


There Is Something Wrong About Our Roommate

by seawhore



Category: My Chemical Romance, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge - My Chemical Romance (Album)
Genre: 2003, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Angst, Blood Drinking, Blood and Injury, College, Death, Dorms, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, I hate Bob Bryar, I'm not including Bob Bryar, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Murder, Murder Mystery, My Chemical Romance References, Partying, Poor Life Choices, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Revenge Era Frank Iero, Revenge Era Gerard Way, Revenge Era Mikey Way, Revenge Era Ray Toro, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smoking, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge Era, Underage Drinking, Vampire Bites
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 09:55:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 62,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27349273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seawhore/pseuds/seawhore
Summary: Gerard moves to Vermont to study, only to find that only one of his two roommates seems to live in their shared apartment. And when he gets curious, he enters a world he had never expected to find in such a small town.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 65
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

Moving to a new city is never easy. Especially not when the only college willing to accept your subpar grades and SAT score is all the way across the country. Gerard had never planned on moving to Vermont, and seeing the rundown college dorm for the first time in real life didn’t make the situation any better. It was August and the sun was shining down on him, but he could feel the cold wind welcoming the beginning of fall. It made him shiver as he pulled with all his might to open the trunk of his car. It much like him wasn’t made for anything but the California sun, and it showed through getting stuck on the long trip up here. Gerard had decided to drive by himself, the thought of bringing his overbearing mother on a two week long road trip not being very appealing to him. She had bad taste in music, and an even worse taste in politics. Looking back at the cracked windows and dark green curtains inside of the building, he at least knew he would be away from them for a while. It wasn’t like he hated his family, not at all, but living under the same roof for 19 years was more than enough. Gerard was ready for some freedom, even if it was in a town of only 3000 people. He didn’t pack heavy for the trip, all of his belongings fitting comfortably in a suitcase and a cardboard box previously used to store bananas at the local grocery store. 

“Shit.” He mumbled to himself as he searched for damages, finding a deep crack in the terracotta pot holding his cactus. The cactus was several years old, or maybe several years dead- he had never been able to see the difference. It never grew, but it was true to all of the other cactus criteria's. The dry soil it had been sitting in had gotten all over the framed pictures and art supplies packed next to it, and Gerard felt forever thankful that he had forgotten to water the plant before he left from home. The supplies were expensive, worth weeks off of his minimum wage. He was not about to show up on his first day, being treated differently from the other students because he couldn’t afford what they had. Instead, he had stopped smoking for the month and it had been torture. 

The front door was impractically heavy, and he had to put down the box to push it open. It smacked him in the back as he leaned over to pick up his belongings, almost forcing him to meet the concrete staircase with his face first. That would certainly hurt in the morning. Inside were a long corridor lined with dark red doors, leading up to a staircase to the second floor. From what the application website had told him, every dorm could fit a total of four people- which seemed like way too many from how small the building seemed from the outside. It was run down and dusty, the dark green wallpaper making it feel like the walls were coming in on him for every step he took. Overhead was a lightbulb hanging for dear life to a coord in the ceiling, with no lampshade in sight. It flickered a bit as he moved towards the staircase and his room on the second floor. At the end of the hallway was a window, lighting up the dust flying around in the air. Lining the dirty carpet was remnants of parties and fun, especially a french fry that was so stale that when he accidentally stepped on it sounded like a twig beneath his boot. His door was the third on the left, overlooking the somewhat busy street outside. He was happy that he had gotten a room on the second floor, dreading the sounds of his sibling as they ran upstairs in his old house. Adamant of not putting down the box for the second time, he balanced it between himself and the door as he fumbled around in his deep pocket. Inside of it was his phone, an old blackberry he had gotten from his dad after he finally got a new job, and a stolen pack of cigarettes he found at a rest stop in Wyoming. It was almost empty now as he had smoked it on the way up, only leaving him with one as a celebration of making it. The dark red door creaked as he unlocked it, he didn’t know a metal door could do that. Inside, all the lights were turned off. Looking around, he finally found the light switch- hidden underneath a heavy leather coat hanging on the wall. The familiar buzzing sound of fluorescents turning on reminded him of working morning shifts and the white lights didn’t make the flat more welcoming. He was standing in the combined living room and kitchen, a well lived in room with clothes thrown over the couch and a pot of stale pasta still on the stove. The walls had posters on them, a mix of bands he knew and ones he had never heard off. By the window stood a television with a deep crack in it, plugged into a game system he could only have dreamed about as a child. There was also a desk in the corner, covered in big stacks of books and loose paper. Gerard let out another heavy sigh as he put the box by the door, locking the door behind him to go and get his suitcase. He had to haul it up the staircase, listening to it bump heavily into every step as he moved upwards. One of the wheels had fallen off long before the move, and it was impossible to move it around without balancing it on the remaining wheel. The whole ordeal didn’t have to take more than 5 minutes tops, but it took 15 minutes before he was back in the apartment. To his surprise, he could hear the shower turn on in the shared bathroom to the left. He felt a sense of relief as he still had some time to settle before meeting his roommate, tugging on the suitcase as he moved towards his room. The apartment had three bedrooms from what he knew, looking at the prospect online. Two smaller single rooms and one bigger double with a second ensuite bathroom. Gerard had made sure to get a single, dreading the thought of sleeping in a bunk bed for three years. 

His room was small, even smaller than the one he had left in Redding. He couldn’t properly open the door as it hit the bed frame, and he had to slide himself in before bringing his suitcase in behind him. It had a tiny desk next to the bed that could probably double as a nightstand if he could keep his work tidy. At the head of the bed was a window looking into a huge tree, the branches gently stroking the window as it got caught in the wind. The room also had a dresser, but if he wanted to open it he had to sit on the bed or stand next to it. He thought to himself for a while as he sat down on the creaking bed, looking around at the sloppily painted brick walls. And the longer he thought about it, the more he wanted to smile. This was freedom. It was small, but it was his. He didn’t have to share this room with anyone. Who cares if he could touch the wall on each side of the room if he stretched out his arms, this was his private little sanctuary. He immediately got to thinking about decorating, wanting to hang up some of the paintings he had traded at the local art scene back home. Out in the living room he could hear the door open, followed by lazy footsteps towards the room next to him. He waited until he heard his roommate's door close before he headed out again for his box that still stood by the entrance. The box was untouched and still as dirty as ever when he picked it up and brought it back to his room. The cactus got center stage on the small desk, next to the crusty laptop he had bought off of a friend before leaving. It looked horrible compared to the one on the desk out in the living room, but it was all he could afford right now. If he managed to get a job up here, which he knew he had to if he wanted to eat, it would be the first thing he would save up for. The soil spilled down on the dark blue carpet lining the floor as Gerard brushed off the art supplies, putting them neatly on top of the drawers so they would be easy to grab in case he got an idea. In the bottom of the box was the paintings, all lively and colorful compared to the eggshell white walls. There were nails already hammered in the wall, and he was eager to put them up. It already felt like home. 

The noises were back in the living room, the lively sounds of the radio playing as someone did the dishes. Sooner or later he had to go out there, but he didn’t know what or who he would meet. The application was random, the only thing you could ask for was the single or double bedroom option. People who lived here all went to the same campus, Johnson, but they didn’t have to be the same year. What if they didn’t like him? He had never had problems making friends back in Redding, but this place was way smaller. What if he made a bad first impression, making bad rumors that stuck with him for the three years he would spend up here? With that few people to pick between, it would make it out to everyone. There was nothing he wanted more than a friend group, a good few people to lean on while he was stuck here. And from the posters in the living room and the radio channel chosen by his roommate, it at least seemed possible. The pop punk slid underneath the gap in his door, lightly playing in his room. It was time. He got up, looking at himself in the small mirror hanging over the drawers. His hair was as messy as always, the black locks framing his face. He tried to smile to himself, only to get rejected by his own reflection. Shaking it off, he turned the doorknob and entered back into the living room. The man in the kitchen was tall, wearing a Metallica shirt as he scrubbed the crusty pot clean. Gerard could spot the curls forming inside of the ponytail he had put his hair up in, probably to get it out of his face. The roommate hadn’t heard him enter under the music, that was a lot louder out here than what it had been in Gerard's room. 

“Hey!” Gerard dared to say after a while. 

The man flung himself around, holding the dish brush like you would hold a knife to protect yourself. Gerard had not expected the fear in his eyes as he turned around, but the fear quickly turned into a laugh and a smile as the roommate realized that he wasn’t an intruder. 

“Oh god you scared me!” He laughed, turning to his left to lower the volume on the travel radio. Gerard couldn’t help but laugh either, having held his breath in fear that the roommate would beat him up with the brush he had now put down. 

“I’m so sorry!” He laughed back, leaning on the back of the sofa. The roommate quickly moved over, removing his flannel and jacket that laid there so casually so that he wouldn’t have to sit on them. 

“I didn’t think you would arrive before Friday!” He explained, moving the clothes over to one of the chairs by the tiny kitchen table. Gerard watched him as he did so, realizing that this was the man he had talked with on the phone when his application got accepted. 

“Me neither, but the traffic was great!” He said, covering up for the fact that he couldn’t afford a motel in Chicago, and instead decided to drive for almost 24 hours more instead of stopping. He had planned to stay in Chicago for a few days, but the money situation had left him unmotivated and let down. 

“I’m glad to hear. I’m Ray.” Ray said, coming back over to shake Gerard's hand.

“Gerard.” Gerard replied back, trying to match the firm handshake made by Ray’s big hands. 

“What are you studying?” Ray asked as he turned his attention back to the dish he was scrubbing, leaning his back against the counter so he could look at Gerard while doing so. 

“I’m doing an arts degree.” Gerard answered, feeling the words sit nicely in his mouth. He had dreamed of this for a while, ever since his art teacher in high school had noticed him. He had spoken warmly about his work, encouraging him while the other teachers fought to tear him down. Mr. Gibson was the only teacher not wanting to fail him, and he had appreciated it so much. It was to him he had gone when he started applying for colleges, getting his recommendation. It had gotten him far, but not in the way he wanted. He was far away, instead of far up on the lists of colleges who would want to support his talents. 

“Wow! It’s great to know that I’m going to room with someone cool.” Ray said, sending a fleeting look over at the last door in the room- the one to the double room. Gerard let his own follow Ray’s look, turning around to look at the door. It was nothing out of the ordinary, it was the same wooden door that closed off his and Ray’s. 

“Is there something wrong with the people living there?” Gerard asked in a low voice, scared of them overhearing him. 

“No, it’s not that. I’ve just never met him.” Ray admitted, shrugging as he turned his attention back to the pot he was scrubbing.


	2. Chapter 2

Gerard ended up stayed in the living room for the rest of the night, enjoying the company as he listened to Ray talk about everything under the sun. He was so energetic when he spoke, almost forgetting to breathe as he spoke about his future degree in journalism. Ray was dreaming big of a job in New York after all of this was done, maybe in the New York Times if he was good enough. Gerard was sure of it even if he didn't speak on it. Ray was just beginning his second year and still had a long way to go, but it was clear that he had found his passion. Gerard enjoyed hearing him talk, nodding enthusiastically every time Ray heaved for breath between sentences. He also told him about visiting his father in Iowa before returning to the apartment in the beginning of August, so he could get back to his part time job as a server at the local diner.

“You have to come, we serve great pancakes!” He promised as he put the dishes away, throwing the dish towel over his shoulder in a fluent move Gerard recognized from the few times in his life he had been to a proper restaurant. Gerard caught himself looking at his roommate in awe as he moved about. The story he was telling was only interrupted by him having to bicker with Ray as he plead to be allowed to make him some food. Gerard didn’t want the food, he was scared that he would be asked to pay back later. He didn’t have money to serve a meal for two, not with the small fund he had left from the summer. But Ray asked so nicely, he seemed so genuinely excited to have him there that after the third plead he gave in. The sandwich was delicious and it made him feel warm inside as he sat on the couch next to Ray to eat. 

“So what brings you to Vermont?” Ray asked, probably realizing that he had been speaking for so long without leaving any room for Gerard to speak. Gerard didn't mind it, and bought himself even more time by taking a big bite of his own sandwich. He was unsure if he wanted to tell the truth, not sure if it was time. He didn’t want to be known as the poor kid that left his family to pursue a degree that would leave him as poor as his family was. 

“I’ve heard a lot of great things about the professors.” He answered, trying to play it off as casual. Mr. Gibson had been very positive about the acceptance letter, even if Gerard could read the disappointment in his eyes behind the thick glasses he always wore. 

“Yeah, I know a girl in the second year... I think she's doing performance art..? Never mind, but she’s having a really good time.” 

Gerard let Ray continue to lead the conversation as he took small bites of the sandwich, savouring every moment of the free food. On the trip up to Vermont, he had only had one meal a day to save money- filling up on black coffee and cigarettes instead. The fast food had left his skin feeling greasy and his chest slightly aching, and having fresh lettuce and tomatoes on a sandwich felt like eating at a five star restaurant. They ate in silence for a bit, the low tune of Ray’s radio filling the space between their conversations. 

“Am I the last one to arrive?” Gerard asked, finishing the last piece of his sandwich as he looked back over at the door to the left. Both of the single rooms were on the right side of the room, facing against the small garden patch next to the building. The double was to the left of the living room, their window facing out to the road out front. Before answering, Ray got up to check out in the hallway.

“The black docs are yours, right?” He asked loudly, even though he was only a few steps away. 

“Yeah.” Gerard answered.

“Then I think so.” Ray said as he appeared again, standing behind the couch while still looking over in the hallway.

“You know the people in the double?” Gerard asked, leaning a bit back to see the hallway for himself. His worn down boots had once upon a time been black, but the dust back home had turned them a light shade of brown. He saw what he presumed to be Ray’s sneakers, standing messily underneath the rack of coats hanging on the wall. Next to them stood some higher boots with silver buckles, almost as ragged as his own. He was unsure if they were expensive and purposely looked like that, or if they were just well lived in. They didn’t seem like Ray’s style at all, too goth. 

“The person.” Ray corrected, shaking his head before he sat down again. He didn’t sit down next to Gerard this time, opting to the chair facing the double’s door. 

“But it’s a double..?” Gerard asked, joining Ray’s stare at the door. There was no noise coming from inside of it, there hadn't been a single sign of life all evening.

“They were two when I moved in last year,” Ray said, taking a deep breath before continuing. “But I didn’t see the other guy again after the first week. Nice kid though, I think he studied mathematics.” 

“Dropped out?” Gerard asked, looking back over at Ray. 

“Disappeared.” Ray said somberly. Gerard raised his eyebrow. 

“Like, gone?” He asked.

“Like he was never even here.” Ray finished, looking back at him. His eyes were stern now, making Gerard feel like he had overstepped a boundary he didn't know about. Ray didn’t say anything for a while, so he decided to shut up. The silence was filled with the radio once more, the slow tune eerily fitting to how he was feeling.

“... But he’ll be replaced right?” He asked after a few minutes of thinking.

“Not from what I’ve been told. The RA gives us the phone numbers so we can chat before the new people arrive, that’s how I had your number.” 

Ray smiled as he told Gerard this, but there was still something behind his eyes that Gerard couldn’t place. 

“Oh. Does that affect our rent in any way?” He asked, trying his hardest to not sound penny pinching. 

“Oh no, not at all. The fucker who’s staying in there has to cover both rents if he wants to stay. The RA mentioned something about him requesting the room to himself.” Ray smiled even more as he said this, seeming pleased. It seemed like this roommate situation had been bothering him for a while, and that the rent was his way of getting a little bit of revenge. The mood was back to the light, friendly one he had gotten accustomed to. 

“Well, that’s good.” Gerard answered, letting out a hidden sigh of relief. He didn't have a penny left to spare. 

“Yeah... Hopefully we’ll meet him some day!” Ray said, a little louder now. It seemed like he hoped that the roommate would overhear his request, but not a single sound came through the closed door. 

“Stupid question, but you’ve tried knocking right?” Gerard felt a grin forming on his face as he asked, he already knowing the answer. Ray only rolled his eyes in response, before snickering.

“That room has been locked since the last guy left.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest while watching the door. 

“But he’s in there?” Gerard asked. 

“Oh yeah. I heard him making a ruckus when he got back at 5 iN THE MORNING.” Ray raised his voice again, almost yelling the last part of his sentence at the locked door. It made Gerard laugh, and Ray soon joined in. 

“You’ll get used to it. Maybe invest in a good headset.” Ray warned him, tapping his temple so Gerard wouldn't forget. 

They sat out in the living room until night time, playing games on Ray’s Playstation while enjoying each other's company. Not once did Gerard hear a noise come from the room to the left, not even a footstep or the flickering sound of a light switch. The situation soon left his mind as he focused on the skateboard game, getting crushed by Ray who obviously had put many hours into practicing. And as he got into bed that night, he felt happy. He hated where he was, but his roommate was nice. His room was nice, the apartment was nice. It would all work out somehow, he could feel it. And that was his last thought before his dreams caught up with him, and led him off to destination dreamland.   
And just like Ray had warned him about, came a long bang that ripped him out of his sleep. It was still dark out, the sun hadn’t even made an effort to rise. Feeling disorientated, Gerard sat up in bed to look over at his watch. 4:55 AM. The noises in the hallway was worse than expected. It sounded like the third roommate was dragging a heavy suitcase with him, similar to the one Gerard had. But just as sudden as the noise began, it ended. The grand finale was the loud bang of the wooden door out in the living room, and a furious smack of the lock. He stayed sitting up for a while, listening in case there would be something more. And then the apartment got eerily quiet. Not even the birds outside had awoken, and soon he was back to sleep in his tiny bed. 

Ray was in the kitchen when he awoke the next day, making drip coffee on the kitchen counter. It smelled amazing.   
“Good morning.” He said, holding up a blue mug with a badger on it. It took a few seconds before Gerard realized that he was supposed to take it. The hesitation made Ray laugh, before he poured one for himself. 

“Thanks for the coffee. I’ll pay you back.” Gerard said, smiling as he took the first sip. It scorched his lips, but the sweet aromas made up for it. The gas station coffee was nothing compared to this. 

“I always make too much anyway, don’t worry about it.” Ray answered, rejecting Gerard’s wish to pay him. It made Gerard feel a little self conscious as he didn’t want to mooch off of his new friend. But Ray seemed like this was a gesture he wanted to make, and not a favor he intended to put into his debt. 

“I heard that noise you talked about.” Gerard said, implying to the previous night. Ray only rolled his eyes as he put bread into the old-fashioned toaster on the counter. 

“He’s a piece of shit.” He grumbled, before he stuck his head into the fridge; pulling out things to make breakfast with. 

“Is it like this every night?” Gerard asked, having another sip of the coffee as he settled into his spot leaning towards the back of the couch. Ray’s clothes were still hanging on the chair by the table where he left it the day prior. 

“Not every night. But at least once or twice, often multiple times a week.” Ray answered, looking over at him. Gerard let out a sigh of relief. 

“He didn’t wake you up too badly, did he?” Ray followed up his answer with a concerned as he looked back over at Gerard, but Gerard only shook it off. 

“I’m from a household with 4 younger siblings, I’m used to the noise.”  
It was partially true. The house he grew up in was loud, but usually never at night. His parents had a lot of respect for the peaceful evening, and none of them were allowed to stay up past bedtime. But the noise still had him curious. What made that much noise so many times a week, when there wasn’t a single sound coming out of his room during daytime?


	3. Chapter 3

“You’re coming with me to a party tonight.” 

Gerard had barely made it into the apartment when Ray ambushed him in the tiny hallway. The walk from the car and up the stairs had made him incredibly hot, making his black hair stringy and very sticky against his forehead. His clothes were too heavy and warm for the bright August morning, but he didn't have anything else but the winter coat his father had packed for him. It was perfectly snug in the evenings, but when the sun reached midday it became unbearable. But it wasn't an option to leave without the coat either, none of his other clothes were hot enough either. It was only his second day in Vermont, but Gerard was already missing California to the point where when he closed his eyes; he could almost remember the prickling feeling of the burning summer sun on his skin. He missed the dry, hot summers that turned into perfectly pleasant winters. He had never experienced snow before, it barely even rained in Redding, and he wasn't prepared for it either. The good thing about long lasting summer was that you didn't have to layer, one set of clothing was enough for the day. He hoped there would be free school hoodies like his high school once had, he missed the feeling of being the first owner of a piece of clothing. The purple hoodie with the wolf on it that had been so soft to the touch when he received it was now in the back of the drawers, old and worn out. He couldn't be seen in his college dressed in his old high school hoodie, what would they think of him? For now, he had to stick to the scorching hot coat whenever he walked out the door. 

“What?” He said between heaving for air, slowly realizing that it wasn't just the coat that had made him so sweaty. He had spent his whole summer on his feet, stocking groceries from early morning until nightfall. But the two weeks off in the car had ripped away the newly built stamina, and the fast food on the way up here hadn’t made the situation better. Ray laughed as he turned on his heel, moving back into the living room. The TV was on: blasting music videos and filling the apartment with a comforting level of noise. 

“I’m bringing you with me tonight. A band I like is playing a house show, I think you’ll like them.” 

Gerard leaned down to lace up his boots, feeling a smile form on his face. Ray wanting him to come with him made his chest fill with genuine joy, making small butterflies go haywire in his stomach. He hung his winter coat neatly next to Ray's: a patchy denim jacket. At the end of the rack hung the mysterious leather coat, it looked completely untouched. The boots were there in the exact same spot as when he last saw them too. The last roommate must've been in his room all day. Picking up his groceries, Gerard followed Ray into the main room. Ray was standing between the couch and the tv pointing to one of the posters on the wall, a yellow one with pink and blue lettering.

“They’re local, but they’re great- I promise.” Ray reassured him, waiting eagerly for a response to his invitation. Gerard smiled.

“I would love to see… does that say Generic Horror Trope?” Gerard had to squint as he struggled to read the poster, but wanted to reflect the eagerness Ray was visibly showing. 

“I promise you they’re cool...” Ray said, seeming like he tried to cover up for the silly name. It only made Gerard laugh. 

“I don’t doubt you. I’m down.” Gerard reassured him, watching Ray as he let out a sigh of relief followed by a loud “Yes!” as he ran over to show Gerard the beers he had bought to pregame with. Gerard didn’t doubt him for a second, the other posters he kept on the wall assured him that he had good taste. The TV played a video by Motion City Soundtrack, a band Gerard had the CD to in his car. It seemed like Ray liked them too. 

There were three shelves inside the fridge, Ray had cleaned out one so Gerard had a place to put the few groceries he had.   
“I’ve been using the last guys’ shelf as an alcohol fridge.” Ray grinned as he showed Gerard. It had an impressive selection, at least in Gerard’s opinion. He was used to being handed bottles of hard liquor, having to sip straight from the neck as it went around in a circle. Having a beer all to himself was a rare treat, he never had the money to pay someone to buy him some. Instead he got used to mooching off of whatever was handed to him, taking quick chugs before someone took it away. 

The evening couldn’t have come quicker. Gerard took a quick shower in the small bathroom both he and Ray shared, the light over the sink flickering every few minutes as the water ran down his skin. It felt great having an uninterrupted shower, especially when he didn’t have to be sparse with using the hot water. Back home it got cold quick, and he would get scolded if he got caught using it all up. He caught a glimpse of himself as he wiped the steam off of the mirror, feeling properly clean for the first time in weeks. Rest stop showers only made him feel more filthy and the traces of previous people making him feel nauseous. Normal people would take this tiny bathroom for granted, they would probably be annoyed by the size of it. But to him, this was pure luxury. The sink had a cabinet for storing his things underneath it, and the mirror doubled as a medicine cupboard. The opportunities were endless in his opinion, and he felt very much at home as he placed his toothbrush in the cup next to Ray’s.   
The amazing clean feeling was soon exchanged for the dread of getting dressed. He didn’t have much, most of what he owned was either thrifted or handed down from his older cousins. Nothing he owned was with the style, making him feel out of place in a room full of people. He went for the safe option, no one would complain if you dressed head to toe in black. People who wore black looked effortless and cool. But he knew the truth under the black attire, how he only owned this because the pants and shirt combo only cost him $3 at the local Goodwill. 

Ray was waiting for him on the couch, the noise from the TV was exchanged for a CD playing from a CD-player he must’ve brought from his room. Gerard wondered how much of the furniture was actually Ray’s. On the tiny coffee table was a pizza, the box still steaming from being delivered not long ago. He could smell it the second he stepped out of the room, making his mouth water.

“Just grab something from the fridge, it’s on me.” 

Gerard decided to try letting in for once, not even trying to argue against Ray as he eagerly moved over to the fridge. But deep inside he knew this was a lifestyle he couldn't commit to, and especially not get comfortable with. Soon daily life would catch up with him, and he would have to face that he could barely afford the groceries he had bought earlier that day. He really needed a job if he was going to continue with anything close to this. But he decided to try to enjoy the evening, deciding on starting his diet of toast with store bought pesto, pasta with store bought pesto and cup noodles tomorrow. 

“You need to let me repay you one day.” He said as he sat down in the chair facing the locked door, looking at it so he didn't have to look directly at Ray. He didn't want to meet his gaze in case he could see how the situation affected him, he knew that one day would have to be far into the future. In the side of his eye he could see Ray shake his head, before he lifted his beer in a cheer. 

“Let this be your house warming gift. It's nothing really.” He insisted, and Gerard joined him in the cheer. The bottles made a loud clunk sound as they met, and for a second Gerard was sure he heard something from behind the door in front of him. Was that a tiny moan he heard? Or was that from the music Ray was playing? He stopped in his movement, staring intensely at the door as it felt like time had stopped around him. But there was no more sound. The only thing he could hear was the harmonious mixture of guitars and drums, filling his ears with sweet music. 

“What’s wrong?” Ray asked with his mouth full of his first slice of pepperoni pizza. Gerard only shook his head, running his hand through his wet hair before taking another sip of the beer. 

“I thought I heard something, but my mind must be playing tricks on me...” He said thoughtfully, still watching the door. Ray joined him, looking over at the dark wood and dirty golden doorknob similar to their own. 

“It must be the beer. I’ve never heard him during the day...” Ray said, his voice a bit lower. He didn’t want to be heard this time. 

The house show was loud and grouchy, just like Gerard liked them. It was in the basement of a local punk house, painted wildly in a mixture of purples, red and black. It stood out like a sore thumb in the clean looking neighborhood, and the neighbors themselves didn’t seem very happy as they pulled up. They had gotten a ride from Ray’s friend from college, and they both slid him a couple of dollars as payment. It hurt his wallet, but he felt fortunate not having to drive over there. The house was packed with people as they entered, and he made sure to stick to Ray as they moved through the crowd. The walls were covered with posters, torn stickers and graffiti, and smelled like a mixture of weed and sweaty gym clothes. Gerard felt at home here, even if he had just arrived. It didn’t take long before Ray handed him another beer, popping the cap off for him. 

“Thank you!” He yelled, a bit embarrassed about how dependent he was getting on his older roommate. 

“No problem! Now go and have fun!” Ray yelled back, before he disappeared into the crowd. And finding fun wasn’t hard, as he just let himself become one with the messy crowd around him. It didn’t take long before he found himself in a group of people sitting on the railing of the stairs, trying to get a good view of the stage. Feeling his legs dangling over the heads beneath him shot a rush of adrenaline into his body, and he felt himself laugh even if nobody had said anything funny. There was nothing compared to the feeling of being properly fed, on a rising level of tipsiness while surrounded by likeminded people. The band entered the stage to the cheering crowd, their amps sparkling and cracking as they plugged in their instruments. The vocalist, a shorter blond girl with a dyed black fringe tapped the microphone before yelling into it.

“WE ARE GENERIC HORROR TROPE!”

Her voice was filled with joy as she sang her heart out, filling Gerard’s ears with muddy metal music. It was better than most bands he had seen previously, but it may be because of the great sound system. The vocalist jumped, her flowy dress dancing around her legs as she moved. But no matter how mesmerizing she was, was he not able to take his eyes off of guy on guitar. He was at the same energy level as the vocalist, jumping ferociously around on the stage. His black hair got into his mouth as he sang with her, but he was impossible to hear the instance he got away from the microphone. At one point he got down on his knees besides the vocalist, almost hitting her leg as he played wildly. 

“She’s great right?!” One of the guys yelled, breaking the trance Gerard accidentally had gotten so deeply into. He had to blink a few times, before turning his attention to the guy. 

“For sure!” He yelled back, although he disagreed about who stole the show down there.

Generic Horror Trope continued with their next song, this one even heavier than the first. He deeply wished he could match the energy with that guitarist, he deeply wanted to experience what it was like to feel that kind of euphoria. He looked like he was in heaven, like he was on an entirely different planet. He was the only person in the world and he knew it. The cheer of the crowd seemed to agree. For once was Gerard happy he was here, in Vermont, even if it was only for the night.   
After the show, Gerard found himself smoking the victory cigarette he had saved in the rundown kitchen. And it did feel like a victory, he was genuinely surprised that Johnson could be such a good time. Back at home, his friends had groaned at the news of his move. They had begged him to stay, to try freelancing like they were planning to. But freelancing was only a fancy word for couch surfing and occasional drug dealing before you eventually sold your soul to a corporate business, and started wearing a suit while never speaking to your friends ever again. The scene tore you down, and left you as a shell that never wanted to ever look at art again. Moving out here meant that he would at least have a chance to make it, a small chance to maybe earn a living of what he loved the most. He had always loved to paint ever since he was little, and his grandmother left him a set of watercolors while his mother wasn't watching. He would stay up late at night, watering the paint down to make it last longer while trying to shape his dreams on the thick paper. Mr. Gibson had called them dreamscapes, explaining enthusiastically to the class how colors could speak the true feelings of the artist behind them. At the time, Gerard wanted to creep underneath his desk and sink so deep into the floor that they became one. But now he kept the compliments with him, searching for the memories every time he felt down about his work. 

The kitchen crowd were friendly people, most of them going to the same campus as he would on Monday. Most of them studied arts like Gerard had expected, but among the crowd were also a psych major and a guy who had dropped out of mathematics and now was pursuing a degree in resort management. 

“Seems like a common thing to drop out of maths.” Gerard noted, taking a sip of the half empty whiskey bottle being handed around. He was feeling the whiskey making his forehead and nose numb. It was soon time to stop if he wanted to get home. The resort guy laughed as he looked over.

"No shit Sherlock." A girl sitting on the floor by the fridge yelled out, getting backed up by the annoying laughter from her friend on the left. 

“What do you know about that, you haven’t even had your first day!” He teased. 

“The guy who lived in my flat apparently just disappeared.” Gerard laughed back. No one laughed this time. 

“... Who do you live with?” The resort guy asked, the crowd letting out a sigh of relief not having to be the one who asked. Gerard immediately got embarrassed. 

“Ray? He's a sophomore, doing journalism..?” He answered, feeling a knot forming in his chest. The resort guy looked him up and down before he got up, pointing to a white poster on the wall. Not before now did Gerard realize that it was a missing person’s flyer, and not a band poster. The guy on the poster, a smiling blonde guy with thin glasses looked back at him.

“Mikey didn’t drop out. He’s missing.” 


	4. Chapter 4

The embarrassment came in the feeling of a heavy stone sinking down into the bottom of Gerard's stomach, bringing with it the feeling of the whole kitchen slowly turning around to look at him. He could feel his face getting hot as the cold sweat started to form in the back of his neck. He had developed a bad habit of nervously picking on the skin on the side of his fingernails when he was younger, and he could feel his index finger instinctively start to claw away at the side of his thumb. The skin was hardened after years of abusing it, he could hardly feel the stinging pain shooting down into the palm of his hand when he broke it. It never bled when he did this anymore; his fingers had gotten hardy and scarred since the habit began so long ago. It felt like all the music in the large house was turned off so they all could pay their full attention to him, shining the spotlight at him for what felt like years. The spotlight was blinding him, he almost couldn't see their faces. But he knew that they were staring, he was sure of it. 

“Dude, it’s totally fine if you haven’t heard. It has almost been a year.” 

Gerard could hear the resort guy's voice so far away, coming closer and closer as he brought Gerard with him back to reality, restarting the world around them like pressing play on the remote control. Not even a second later was the whole kitchen back to chatting with each other as the music blared in the background, seeming like nothing had even happened. The guy had taken the poster off of the wall, handing it to Gerard. He held the crumpled paper in his hands as he looked at the boy in the picture for a while, looking into the cheerful eyes he now knew belonged to his former fourth roommate. Looking at him, he didn't recognize Michael Walters, his full name, like the kind of guy to run away. He looked like that type of guy that breezed through school, the opposite of himself. But what could he know, a pair of glasses and a bright smile had fooled him before.

“They haven't found him?” Gerard asked, even though he knew the answer. The resort guy shook his head as he sat down next to him on the counter, taking another big chug of the bottle before handing it to him. Gerard raised his hand to reject it, and the bottle quickly moved into the eager hands to the girl to his right. She was strong looking, with a contagious laugh and long, black hair. 

"Not a trace. The rumors are saying that he did it on purpose, you know- changed his name and that whole ordeal..? But I don't like believing in rumors." Resort guy came off as kinda poetic when he spoke, but it was probably the alcohol speaking for him.

"What do you believe then?" Gerard asked as he folded the poster and pocketed it. No one seemed to mind. 

"I don't know man. You've heard those horror stories right, where the neighbor has a victim almost in plain sight? I hate those, the ones where the victim is just like locked up in another room?" The grotesque imagery made Gerard shiver.

"... You think he's been kidnapped?" He wondered. Resort guy nodded.

"I'm almost 100% sure he's still in Johnson," He answered. "But it's been a year, so I kinda wish he's dead? Is that a horrible thing to say?" 

Gerard thought about it a bit before he answered. 

"Not if it's out of mercy I guess..." 

The resort guy raised his hand in a high five, confirming that he meant what Gerard had said. Gerard didn't high five him back, but instead left him hanging until he put his hand down. The topic of conversation was not something to high five over, even if they agreed to the same conspiracies. The resort guy seemed like he searched through his mind before continuing, seeming to understand that Gerard wasn't in the right headspace to continue the conversation.

“The police are still looking from what I've heard, but most people around here just want him pronounced dead. They think it would be better that way.” 

The sinking feeling stuck with him for the rest of the night, even when he left the crowd in the kitchen to explore the house more. There were people everywhere, sitting wherever there were a surface. The stage downstairs had gotten hijacked by another band not announced to anyone, blaring a weird mix for the ones that would listen. Gerard stuck around long enough to gather that they kinda sounded like if you played all of Nirvana's songs at once. Only one of the members from Generic Horror Trope had stuck around, the weirdly normal guy on the drums. He stuck out as a sore thumb in the crowd as he seemed like he had gotten dressed for a corporate office meeting rather than a party. Gerard did for a second consider talking to him, maybe he could ask about where the guitarist had headed. But then he remembered that his car was back at the dorm parking lot, and he didn't know the area well enough to simply walk off.   
The clock was getting close to 4am, the time he and Ray had agreed to walk together back to their dorm. It was a hassle trying to get Ray out of the grips of the girl he was making out with, even when he made clear signs of not wanting her to join them on the walk back home.   
“Help me!” He snarled over her shoulder from across the busy living room, the girl sitting on his lap tangling her fingers into his hair as she kissed his neck. Gerard had first tried politely by tapping her shoulder, but she didn't even respond. Ray ended up escaping to the bathroom when she followed them to the door, leaving him to escape through the bathroom window. Gerard met Ray at the back lawn after getting her off his trail, Ray only wearing one shoe as he stood there waiting in the wet grass. Gerard gave him his thin denim jacket, before zipping his coat all the way up to his neck. 

“So... What do you think about the band?” Ray asked, digging his hands deeply into his pockets to shield them from the cold Vermont night. 

"They were awesome. Thank you for bringing me." Gerard answered, making Ray smile. 

"And about the venue?" Ray asked, nodding back to the noisy punk house behind them. 

“I didn’t think Vermont was allowed to have places like this.” Gerard admitted, looking back in the direction they came from. The lights were blinking between red, blue and green inside of the windows of the punk house and he could still hear the music playing clearly. Looking back, he also spotted the elderly owner of the pristine house on the left standing on her balcony dressed in a lavender colored bathrobe and hair in tight rollers; screaming into a cordless phone while stomping her feet. It didn’t take long before they heard the yell of sirens, followed by what looked like all the doors and windows of the house opening at once. The house looked like it was vomiting people as they threw themselves out of the windows, some of them even ended up on the roof. It was chaos as people ran in all directions, some still singing their lungs out to music that got shut down behind them.

“In here!” Ray grabbed hold of Gerard’s arm, pulling him with him into a garden. The loud screams of sirens grew louder and louder, it was obvious where they were headed. Ray pulled him into a hiding spot between a short tree and an unkempt bush, making Gerard crouch down next to him. There they sat shoulder to shoulder in the wet grass, leaning up against the cold wall behind them. Gerard felt his pulse rise as he heard the doors of the police cars being thrown open, the sirens waking up the entire neighborhood. He felt like he had to sit completely still, trying his hardest to emulate a statue. It seemed like Ray had noticed, as he gave him a sharp push in his side with his elbow. The push startled Gerard, and he heaved for breath. He had taken the statue simulation too seriously and it made Ray laugh loudly. Gerard could only look over at him in confusion.

“Dude, is this your first time running from the cops?” Ray laughed, talking about it like it was something casual that everybody did semi-weekly. Gerard only shook his head in response, feeling embarrassed. He had never gotten in trouble with the law, but he had seen what happened to his friend that got caught. They were never the same after juvy.

“It’s a first for everything I guess...” He responded, faking a laugh to make himself seem lowkey. Ray didn’t seem to notice how desperate he was to come off as much cooler than what he really was. 

“Get used to it.” He laughed, patting Gerard’s knee with a hard but friendly hand. 

“... Do you do this often?” Gerard asked, almost praying to the gods above for the answer to be yes. He felt so alive. 

“I try to come around maybe once a week..? We’re responsible for our own fun up here.” Ray answered with a grin, looking longingly out at nothing. Off in the distance they could spot a boy with a blonde mohawk only partially trying to get away from a furious police officer, jumping around and yelling profanities to egg him on. The sight made them both laugh as loud as they dared, knowing that the owner of the house was probably awake and looming in the windows above them. 

The dorm was a 30 minute walk away, and none of them had remembered to charge their phones before leaving. Gerard felt himself shivering as they walked next to each other, the minutes in the grass had left the back of his pants wet and sticking to his skin. The alcohol was starting to wear off too, he could feel it as the numbness in his jaw finally disappeared. It had kept him warm in the beginning, but sobering up combined with the cold Vermont morning made him feel more and more like he had drenched by a cold bucket of water. Ray didn't seem to mind the cold, even if he had the denim jacket wrapped tightly around himself. But with sobering up came the memories, the smile of the boy in the missing poster that now stayed in Gerard's pocket. He could feel the folded paper against his thigh, through the thin pocket in his pants. He looked over at his roommate for a bit, trying to gather the courage to ask about it, letting himself feel frustrated that Ray hadn't told him the first night when they spoke about it. 

"Could I ask you something Ray?" Gerard asking, hearing his voice sounding weak. He dug his face deeper into his coat as he waited for an answer. 

"... Shoot?" Ray answered casually, not knowing what he had coming.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, his voice muffled by the winter coat.

"What was that?" Ray asked, looking over at him. 

"Why didn't you tell me about Mikey?" Gerard asked, a little clearer this time. He felt his hand forming into fists inside of the pocket, tightening as he regretted even asking. 

"Oh." Ray stopped in the middle of the street, but Gerard didn't notice until he had completely crossed the road. Ray seemed like he needed a minute, and Gerard was more than willing to give him that. 

"... You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to!" Gerard halfway yelled back at him, feeling terrible. His intention was never to ruin the good evening they had spent together, but the picture of the boy was glued to the inside of his eyelids. His bright smile overwhelmed his mind a lot more than he wanted to admit to. Ray finally caught up with him, patting him on the shoulder with the familiar hard hand before they started walking again.

"I heard some guy at the house talking about it..." Gerard explained in a low voice, still regretting asking about it. 

"You had to hear it from someone... I apologize that it wasn't from me." Ray admitted, his voice sounding defeated. 

"I should've caught on when you said gone instead of dropped out..." Gerard answered, mirroring the same defeat. The two guys looked at each other for a while, walking slowly. 

"I... I don't like thinking about it. Or talking about it." Ray said. His eyes seemed empty as he looked forward, not meeting Gerard's who was looking right at him. Gerard could see the tears starting to escape his friend, not really knowing what to do about it. 

"I'm sorry." Gerard answered, ready to drop the topic in an instance if Ray gave any more signs of wanting to. He had overstepped, and he recognized that. He should've never asked, and instead let Ray speak when he felt like it was time. But here they were, drunk on the corner of a suburban neighborhood in Vermont, in no shape to have this conversation. 

"I... I kinda feel like it's my fault you know?" Gerard didn't think Ray could sound more defeated, but the soft cry gave him away. Instinctively he flung his arms around him, holding Ray close as he let him weep silently into his shoulder. Ray was a lot taller than him, but he felt so small as they stood there together. 

"It's not your fault." Gerard whispered so only Ray could hear. 

"I should've paid more attention... He wouldn't be gone if I had just..." Ray wept drunkenly.

"It's not your fault Ray." Gerard interrupted, trying to break through the pity party unleashing itself on his shoulder. Ray deserved to talk about this and feel supported, and there was nothing he wanted more than to be that support. But at 5am standing outside on the eerie looking street was not the place to do so. 

"I don't know..." Ray said, finally breaking out of the embrace as he rubbed his eyes. 

"What were you supposed to do, guard the door just in case a new roommate wanted to run away?" Gerard didn't mean for the sentence to sound like a joke, he only caught it as the words left him. Scared, he looked up to see Ray's reaction. He started laughing somberly. 

"I guess not." He laughed, still rubbing his eyes before starting to walk again. 

"We could take shifts." Gerard proposed, trying to lighten the mood. 

"So the last guy doesn't disappear too?" Ray asked, jokingly bumping into Gerard so he almost lost his footing. The jokes were working to Gerard's great surprise. 

"Yeah. We'll catch him in the act if he ever tries something." Gerard laughed. 

"Sounds like a great plan." Ray said, maybe sounding a bit too into the idea. 

They could see their building off in the distance now, it looked even worse at night. The broken windows and cracked layer of paint on the outside made the building seem run down and abandoned, like no one had lived there for years. None of the other buildings in the neighborhood looked like the dorms, as they all had well maintained gardens and fresh coats of paint shining in the moonlight. There were only a few lights turned on inside of the building.

"Looks like someone is home." Ray noted, looking up at the building as they got closer. There it was: a faint glow coming from behind the green curtains on the second floor. Their third roommate seemed to be awake. 


	5. Chapter 5

The boys shared a quick look, instantly reading the other's mind. It became a race as they sprinted through the cold street towards the heavy front door, their shoes splashing in the wet puddles on the pavement. Gerard didn’t have his key on him and had to wait for Ray to ransack his pockets, waiting impatiently for the door to open. Ray had taken the night's key responsibility, promising to take extra care of it but also planning to use it as an excuse for them to leave together when the night inevitably ended. The metal keychains on his lanyard rattled and jingled as they hit each other on their journey to the keyhole, almost certainly waking up the people on the first floor. They both ran through the dark, dingy hallway and up on the second floor, the wooden stairs screaming beneath their feet as they ran upstairs. Gerard barely beat Ray to the door, impatiently holding on to the doorknob as he waited for Ray to unlock it. None of them cared to take their jackets off or turn on any lights, nothing was more important than this. Ray threw himself over the couch while Gerard took the slower route around it, seeing Ray touch the golden doorknob before he could reach it. Without knocking, he turned it. 

Gerard thought their adventure would end there. He was expecting to have a laugh as Ray got rejected by the locked door in front of theme and that would be it. All he wanted now was just to sit down and to eat a cold slice of leftover pizza, before roaming the apartment for a cigarette. He would then open his window so he wouldn't set off the smoke alarm, and watch the first signs of sunset through the tree in the yard as the smoke filled his lungs. Then he would get undressed, he could already start to feel the sensation of his blanket as he pulled it over himself. He would sleep soundly until the sun flowed through his window late in the afternoon, waking him up without an alarm or a loud bang in the hallway.  
He had never dared to dream about a fun night in Vermont, especially not together with someone he enjoyed so much like his new roommate. Before moving he got his skin filled with horror stories: stories about roommates that never sleep, never clean and always blare music at bad hours. They all insisted that their worst stories were the ones about living with couples who broke up and got back together, having to share a roof with a toxic relationship. But Gerard knew deep down that the stories about the roommates that hated your guts was the true nightmare stories. Gerard didn’t like to admit to it, but he never fared well with people who visibly disliked him. He could tackle living under the same roof as screaming, loud sex and making up again; but he would never be able to sleep if he knew the people out in the living room spoke ill of him. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if it wasn’t Ray he had met in the kitchen on the first day. The time they had spent together reassured him that this all would work out just fine, even if he still missed so much about his hometown. This was the cost of freedom, he understood that now. And this was only just the initial blow, as the hospitality towards the newcomer would fade away when their new reality set in. He knew that soon he would have to deal with things he wasn’t prepared for, he had never been away from his friends and family for more than a week. But right now it was all about building the foundation: to mend his friendship with Ray and soon a whole class of people so he would have something to fall back on when things started to suck.   
Back at home he had always searched for reassurance in the local art scene. He had fooled himself into thinking that he did it to get critiqued, to get better at art. But most of the time when he went there he just craved to have a conversation with someone like minded. They were few and hard to come by in Redding, and he had expected it to be even harder when he moved to Vermont. But tonight had shown him that his future here would all turn out fine. And he would’ve settled for the night being perfectly awesome the way it was, hadn’t the door Ray leaned his shoulder against opened up with a loud creak. 

They both stood dead in their tracks together in the dark as the door opened, the crack in the door letting a stream of yellow light into the living room. It blinded Gerard on the right side of his face and he had to blink to get used to it. Ray turned his head to look at Gerard, looking like he was in complete shock that the door actually opened. It was clear that he had expected the same end to the evening as Gerard but here they were. They couldn’t go back now, there was no resetting what they had done. They had to commit. 

“What do I do?!” Ray whispered to Gerard, his mouth was almost unreadable with the bright light turning him into a dark shadow.

“I don’t know?!” Gerard whispered back, absolutely dumbfounded. His mind was completely blank of any good ideas. 

“Should I open it?” Ray whispered back. It was hard to see, but Gerard saw the mischievous grin starting form on his roommate’s lips. 

“Don’t do anything stupid!” Gerard whispered back, taking a small step backwards to get out of the way in case something happened to Ray. They still hadn’t heard a single sound come from inside of the room, not after Ray had cracked the door either. The apartment was eerily quiet, stripped of the warm atmosphere Ray always made sure to upkeep with the sparkling travel radio he kept in out in the main area and his good mood every time he got to make himself something in the kitchen. 

“FUCK!” 

Ray let out a loud yell, making Gerard jump backwards in fear. The yell was the kind of guttural that probably woke the neighbors, and Gerard was sure something had happened. There was no time to be startled, he had to do something! Gathering all his courage, he ran forwards- only barely missing Ray as he ran past him into the double. He didn’t know what he had expected, but this was not it. The dorm’s website had some shoddy preview pictures that took way too long for the library PC to load in. Gerard remembered sitting around waiting for about 25 minutes just to get a feeling of what he was getting himself into. Moving in here he had quickly noticed that theirs did not match the pictures at all, they must’ve belonged to someone on the rooms in the far back of the first floor. 

“What?!” Gerard yelled, looking frantically and partially blinded around the room to find the danger. But to his surprise was there absolutely nothing in particular about the double. And as the wave of disappointment hit him, he could hear the loud laughter belonging to his roommate behind his back. He turned around to see the pure joy on Ray’s face, he was red with laughter. 

“You should’ve seen your face!” He screamed while his laughter filled the almost empty room. 

“Oh shut up.” Gerard growled back at him, but he couldn’t help but grin. Ray’s laughter was too contagious to resist. Gerard had in all honesty thought that something bad had happened, horrible imagery flashing in the front of his mind. Worst case scenario would the discovery of a body inside of there, he could still see the smiling picture of Mikey in the forefront of his brain. He was so thankful that his grotesque prediction didn’t see the light of day. 

The boys couldn’t keep their curiosity to themselves as they explored the room. The first thing Gerard noticed was the bed, made with dark blue sheets brought from home. It looked so comfortable, ten times better than the one he slept in that still had the slightly crusty but complimentary bedding on it. He felt a sting of jealousy in his chest looking at it, and made a mental note that he should save up for some of his own. Looking away from the bed, there wasn’t anything particularly exciting to look at. The roommate kept to his own side of the room, another feature that didn’t show in the bad pictures in the application. The pictures on the website had shown a tinier room with a bunk bed, but this one looked more traditional to what he imagined to be a shared dorm room. Both sides were furnished with a bed like the one Gerard had, and had a bigger desk like the one in the living room. They too had their own dressers, but behind the door was a sliding door opening to a wardrobe. Next to it was the door leading into the ensuite bathroom. Ray was quick to walk over, opening the bathroom door to have a peek inside. The only thing in the room that stood out to Gerard was the gap between the dresser and the bed, where the head of a guitar stuck out. 

“Have you seen this before?” Gerard asked, pulling it out from behind the dresser. Ray stuck his head out of the bathroom to have a look, his eyes wide open as he saw the guitar for what looked like the first time.

“Wait... Is that an Epiphone?!” He asked, his voice filled with a mix of shock and respectful surprise. 

“Looks like it.” Gerard acknowledged, putting it back where he found it. He wasn’t completely comfortable roaming through the unknown roommates stuff without permission. 

“By the sound of it, he doesn’t even know how to play it.” Ray laughed, moving out of the bathroom and into the bedroom again. Gerard caught what he was hinting at. Ray hadn’t heard him a single time except for the semi-nightly ruckus he made after returning from his nightly whatever. 

“Do you play?” Gerard asked, looking over at his roommate who was not at all as careful as he was. Ray turned his attention to the desk, opening the two compartments underneath it. 

“I used to, I had a band back home. But my guitar is too heavy for it to be worth shipping all the way over here.”

“What kind of music?” Gerard felt himself growing curious. He used to be in a band too, but his musical career was short-lived. His guitar skills were not near where he wanted them to be, and if he wanted to practice he had to practically beg the neighbors to borrow theirs. When people asked about it, he usually just told them that he wanted to focus on his art instead: that the band took up too much time for his liking. He would love to do it again sometime, when he had the money for it. 

“Punk mostly. God, I miss those guys.” Ray said reminiscently, his voice full of nostalgia as he closed the compartment he was looking into with a bang. 

“But are you any good?” Gerard asked teasingly. Ray only responded by getting up and placing a playful push at Gerard’s shoulder before leaving the room.

“We’re the best! You’ll be happy one day when you're older and you can point to the TV-screen and say “Hey, I roomed with that extremely famous guy in college!”. Mark my words Gerard!” 

“Can’t wait!” Gerard yelled back, moving over to the window to have a look at the view from the double room. It was a ten times better view than the one he had, but it had to be a lot more noisy. The earliest workers in the town were already getting into their cars and driving off to work, and soon the birds would alert the rest of the world that it was time to get up.

“Gerard?” Ray yelled suddenly, by the sound of his voice Gerard could place that he was standing out in the hallway.

“Yeah?” Gerard yelled back, feeling the slight draft of cold air coming from the window on his hand as he leaned forwards to look out. 

“His shoes and jacket are still here!” Ray yelled back. 

The news made Gerard loose footing for a split second, tumbling a few inches forwards in fright. And by the slightest touch, the window swung open out to the roof: making sure that the adventure was far from over.


	6. Chapter 6

A gust of freezing wind hit Gerard in the face as the glass disappeared in front of him, his coat not able to completely shield him from the sudden temperature drop. It made him move a step back as the green curtains flew past him, unable to resist flying back into the double bedroom. The room would soon be filled with fresh morning air, inviting in the wind who started to playfully ruffle the papers on the desk. Gerard couldn’t enjoy the morning nothingness for long as he instinctively flung himself forwards in a desperate attempt to reach for the silver handle before the wind grabbed hold of anything of interest. Hanging out of the window, he could hear the sounds of birds getting ready to tell the world that it was time to wake up. The cold breeze caught his hair as he stretched as far as he could, but his arm wasn’t long enough. He could barely feel the sensation of cold metal against his fingertips, but it was impossible to reach. His mind raced a thousand miles an hour before changing strategy, using his arms to hoist himself up on the windowsill. He sat halfway out on the roof to get a hold of the handle, feeling the a wave of adrenaline rushing through his body. The building only had two floors, but the windows were old and tall. Stretching out like this, he felt a surge of gravity beneath him. If the wind grew any stronger, it could easily pull him with it. Gerard held on even tighter, feeling his knuckles turning white and cold. Shuffling himself a bit to the side, he got a hold of the window frame.

A sudden loud sound made him freeze, holding onto the frame for dear life. He didn’t dare to move, not even an inch. He had never had to deal with anything like this before, but he knew he wasn’t alone out there. He held his breath as he kept still, expecting another noise to be made by whatever was staying on the roof of their building. His best guess was that the sound was made by some kind of the animal slipping on the wet roof tiles, it must’ve scaled the building by climbing the tree outside of his window. He felt a cold sweat start to form as he imagined a black bear looking right at him, and before he could think- he jumped back into the room, ripping the window with him. It made a loud bang as he shut the window closed, and his cold fingers made it feel like he spent several minutes tinkering with the lock. He didn't even dare to imagine what could happen if it opened back up again. Taking a few steps back, he regained his breath as he watched the green curtains calm down and lay perfectly still against the window frame. 

“Was that you?!” Ray yelled, still out in the hallway. 

“Yeah, his window was open!” Gerard yelled back, still staring at it. How weird was that, that the guy who was usually so silent, so sneaky that he had avoided Ray for a whole year- had forgotten to not only lock his door but his window too? 

“Wait, what?” Ray panted. He must have ran back into the room. 

“He probably forgot to lock it.” Gerard explained, not wanting to create conspiracies. The evening had gone on for way too long.

“Weird…” Said Ray, thinking about it for a second. 

“It’s not the strangest thing he’s done.” Gerard shrugged, moving past Ray and out of the room. 

“I guess not.” Ray concluded, and that was the last word the boys spoke to each other that night, silently agreeing that it was time for bed. 

Laying down, Gerard felt more like he had gotten into a rowboat on a stormy sea than a tiny dorm room bed. The room was spinning and tumbling around him, making him feel both seasick and disoriented. He could feel tingling of nausea starting at the back of his throat, and not even closing his eyes could make it any better. Going to sleep drunk was never his favorite activity, no matter how fun the previous night had been. He had been unsuccessful in finding a cigarette too, leaving him feeling grouchy and ill tempered as soon as he closed his bedroom door. Ray sadly didn’t smoke, and the pack he had brought home with him had been empty. Halfway on the journey to dreamland, he tried to plan out a budget that would allow him to buy more. He would have to make the bread he bought last extra long if he wanted more, but it was worth it. Deep down he hated that cigarettes had taken such a big part of his life. Not necessarily because of the cost or the danger they brought with them, but because they had truly shown him that he didn't have a single speck of willpower. Gerard had tried and failed to quit more times that he could count, the defeat came almost monthly as his bank account ran dry and no one he knew wanted to lend him money. It would be 3 or 4 days until the next paycheck, and he would start swear to himself that now was the time to finally quit the bad habit for good. He would only last 12 hours at most. Those days always start out the same: with him going off about how good the air tasted without the ashy aftertaste. Later he would start making long speeches about things he didn’t really know much about, like lung cancer and the health benefits to anyone who would listen. His facade would start to crumble as the sun started to set, and by nightfall he would ransack his tiny room before he started the desperate calls to all of his friends. He would start to sell his things and say yes to bad offers, but it was always worth it. As the smoke filled his lungs in the evening, he faced himself with his own weakness. He knew he would never be able to quit. It was part of who he was, he knew it as he held the poison that would kill him in his hands. 

What made it even harder to fall asleep was the tree outside continuously hitting his window with its long branches. The leaves made a scratching sound as it rubbed up against the side of the window, and released a loud smacking sound as it got free. It made him want to cover his head with his pillow, and he sorely wished he would've picked up those headphones Ray had suggested. He finally slipped off, feeling the warm feeling of a dream start enveloping his body and dragging him unconsciously into its depth. Opening his eyes, all he could see was the roof of a dark room. But something was different. The wind was replaced by a steady knocking. 

Knock. Knock.

There was a gentle knock on something that sounded like a glass surface. It continued as he explored if he would be able to move, or if it would be that kind of dream that he could only observe. Trying to move his fingers and toes, he soon learned that he would be the main character of his dream. He slowly sat up, feeling a bit sore as he turned his head to look where the sound was coming from. The knocking continued, two gentle knocks at the glass at the time.

Knock. Knock.

Curiosity got the best of him, he had to see what it was. Unafraid he pulled the fabric aside, looking up at something big outside of the window. He couldn't see anything more than the silhouette of a dark figure sitting out there, crouching on the roof outside of the tiny windowsill. Gerard felt himself look at it for a long while, tilting his head in curiosity. He wondered if this was a nightmare, it definitely had all the elements. But looking into himself, he realized that he wasn't scared at all. It didn't frighten him to see this creature looking directly at him. The figure knocked once more.

Knock. Knock.

“Let me in.” It whispered, its voice muffled behind the glass. 

“Why?” Gerard whispered back. 

“I’m locked out.” The shadow answered. 

“Where’s your key?” Gerard wondered sleepily. 

“In my jacket.” The shadow answered. 

“Should I get it for you?” Gerard asked.

“No, there’s no need. Just let me in, pretty please?” 

“Okay.” Gerard did as the shadow asked, unlocking the window so it would swing open. The shadow got out of the way to not get hit by it, barely avoiding slipping on the tiles it was crouching on. 

“You should get out of the way.” It suggested.

“Oh.” Gerard said, he hadn’t even thought about the logistics. Usually in his dreams, these things happened automatically. But it was probably just the alcohol slowing his brain down. He scooted further down what he recognized to be either a bed or a couch, leaving a length for the shadow to land on. It slipped graciously through the open window, landing on its feet on the bed. For some reason, he noticed that the shadow wasn’t wearing shoes. 

“Where are your shoes?” He wondered. 

“With my key.” It answered.

“Should I go and get it?” Gerard asked once more.

“There’s no need, but thank you.” The shadow got down on the floor with a thud before it swiftly moved past him. Gerard followed it with his eyes, but he was unable to get up.

“Where are you going?” He wondered.

“Home.” The shadow said.

“Oh.” He answered.

“What’s your name?” The silhouette asked, standing by what Gerard could barely make out to be a door. 

“Gerard.” Gerard answered, feeling a yawn coming on.

“Thank you for letting me in, Gerard.” The shadow said, and suddenly it was gone- leaving Gerard alone to dream inside of the strange, dark room. 

As the door closed, he woke up to the sound of pots and pans being moved around in the kitchen. He quickly realized that it must be late in the afternoon, seeing streams of bright sunlight flood through the sides of the green curtain above him and lighting up is tiny bedroom. From out in the living room he could hear Ray’s travel radio, the voice of the radio host announcing that they would be playing a song by The Vandals after a short commercial break. His head was beating and pulsating as he got up, begging him to go back to bed. He tried his best to ignore the feeling as he pulled a gray t-shirt over his head. The pants he had worn the previous night laid in a pile on the floor, they were still damp to the touch as he pulled them on.

“Look who’s up!” Ray laughed as Gerard entered the living room, even though he didn’t look much better. His curly hair was pulled back into the ponytail he sported on the first day, and he was wearing something completely out of his normal style. The white button up was tucked into his black pants made him look so strange. From behind, Gerard would've never guessed this was his friend. 

“The man, the myth, the legend,” Gerard responded with a short laugh, leaning down to look into the fridge. Ray had moved the leftovers over on a plate and Gerard pulled them out. "- Are you going to eat these?" 

"Enjoy yourself, I'm bringing lunch to work." Ray smiled, his words explaining his attire. On the stove stood a big pot, still steaming from Ray's cooking.

"How long is your shift?" Gerard asked as he sat down at the tiny kitchen table. Ray's clothes were still hanging on the squeaky chair, doubling as a soft cushion to the otherwise hard wooden back. 

"I'll be home late, so don't sit up waiting." Ray put his dishes into the sink, starting to clean them. On the counter stood a lunchbox, steam soaking through the lid. It smelled amazing.

"I won't." Gerard nodded, taking another piece of his food. They hung out in silence for a while, the radio humming gently as Ray finished up his chores. The pizza was almost better than it was yesterday and since he didn't have to pay for it, Gerard felt that he was one meal closer to being able to buy that long awaited pack of cigarettes. Just thinking about it made his body fill with a warm tingle. Ray picked up the lunchbox, turning on his heel to head into his bedroom. Watching the wooden door on the other side of the living room, he stopped.

"... The door is locked again. Just thought you'd like to know." Ray said, making Gerard turn around in his seat to look too. 

"What?" Gerard felt his chest fill with a slight shock. 

"Must've snuck in while we were asleep." Ray shrugged, leaning down to put his lunch into his backpack.

"Weird..." Gerard said, suddenly remembering his dream from last night.


	7. Chapter 7

Gerard had never learned to enjoy being alone. Ray worked long shifts on the weekends, leaving him to do whatever he wanted in their apartment. Normal people would probably find this endlessly comfortable, being able to throw your legs up on the table and relax in their own company. Being alone was freedom to normal people, but not to him. He had never gotten comfortable being alone with his own thoughts. They just got louder and louder the more time he spent by himself. Not having Ray in the apartment with him made the space feel unnaturally big, like the walls reached all the way up to the skies. It felt like Ray took all the colors with him to work, leaving their space cold and sterile. The apartment lacked the comfortable flare his roommate always gave it and no matter what Gerard did, he couldn’t replace it. He felt like an intruder in his own home.  
The door into the double stayed locked too, emitting a threatening aura every time Gerard walked past it. He would sit on the far end on the couch when he watched TV, not daring to come near it. It felt like it was watching his every move. Just thinking about having to be alone with it made chills run down his back. He wasn't sure why that was; if it was the uncertainty of the person living behind the wooden door or his own guilty conscience for breaking into his room. The feeling only got worse as the weekend progressed, and by Sunday afternoon he had gotten used to run and hide inside of his room until Ray came back.

He tried to drown out the sound his mind tearing itself apart by painting. But they all turned out murky and dark, wasting the few canvases he brought from home. They usually turned out like this when he was feeling down, but there was something new to them now. Whenever he painted, a black shape would lure itself into his artwork- looming over it like a bird of prey. Even when he tried to paint with only pastels, when he would water the colors to its lightest shade it would sneak itself back in. He soon made a habit of turning the paintings to face the wall when he finished them, not bearing to look at them for a second more. Only when he heard Ray unlock the door, he would dare to leave his hiding place. The presence of him would change the whole apartment into an entirely different space, letting the colors back in as he entered the living room. 

“I said that you shouldn’t wait up for me..!” He said, but Gerard knew that the disappointment in his voice was fake. They would share a bite to eat whenever Ray got home, it didn’t matter if it was 2 am or pm. Gerard looked forward to these moments before bed, they were effective distractions from the chaos going on inside of his head. 

“... I was expecting someone entirely different.” Gerard teased, trying to seem casual and unaffected as he sat down in the living room chair. He had purposely turned it around to face the kitchen instead of the door leading into the double. He couldn’t stand to look at it for long amounts of time. 

“Like you’ll ever get a date.” Ray laughed, sticking his head into the fridge to fish out something to eat.

“Your mom enjoys my company!” 

“She’s the only one.” Ray teased, making Gerard blush. Truth be told, he had never been on a real date. His first kiss was with a girl in the seventh grade, but that hardly counted for anything. His second was a dare, he had to kiss one of his friends and was paid with a pack of cigarettes and he didn’t know if that one counted either. The second kiss had felt a lot better than the first one.

“Whatever.” Gerard grinned as he watched Ray sit down on the couch. In his hand was a sandwich like the one he had made for Gerard when he first arrived. It made Gerard’s mouth water just by looking at it. The white bread and pesto sandwiches he made couldn’t stand a chance against Ray’s delicacies. 

“What have you been up to all day?” Ray asked, looking like he knew the answer as he took a big bite of his food. Gerard had noticed over the last few days that Ray did the same thing as he did when he had to sit on the couch. He too sat as far away from the door as he could without them getting uncomfortably close. Their knees were mere inches away from touching each other. 

“Nothing really.” Gerard answered, not wanting to talk about his painting situation. He could hear Mr. Gibson's voice in the back of his head when he painted, giving him imaginary feedback. “Loneliness?” the voice would ask, studying the painting with his glasses slid far down on his nose. “Or perhaps guilt?” There was nothing Gerard wanted less than for Ray to think that he was weak.

“We really need to get you some friends.” Ray shook his head, seemingly tired of getting the same answer every day. But he didn’t seem like he had read much into it either, to Gerard’s great relief. 

“I’m having my first day at school tomorrow. Soon you won’t even see me anymore.” Gerard retorted, still feeling a bit self conscious but making an effort to hide it. 

“I’ll miss you.” Ray said, jokingly but with a hint of truthfulness. He stretched out to pat Gerard on the knee with that familiar, hard pat he had grown to appreciate. It made him feel safe.

“We’ve had a nice run.” Gerard grinned back and he knew that he meant it too. 

“We really did.” Ray laughed. 

“Partners in crime.” Gerard said. Ray shared a quick glance with the door before he looked back. 

“Bonnie and Clyde.” He answered. 

They shared a laugh, before spending a few moments of silence together. The silence was never uncomfortable, it was rather pleasant as it gave Gerard a chance to listen to the music Ray had chosen for the evening. This time it was a slower one by Streetlight Manifesto that Gerard hadn't heard before. 

“Speaking of...” Ray said, and Gerard knew exactly where he was headed.

“I haven’t heard a single thing.” He lied. He had. At least he thought he had? Sometimes when he sat in his room painting, he would hear creaking in the floors. Once he was completely sure he had heard walking through the living room, fast steps against the carpet before returning with a quick smack of the door. It made him stop in his movements as he waited, not wanting to move an inch in case he made a sound. In those few moments, he tried to be invisible- even when he was securely hidden inside of his own room. Hearing the noises evoked that same feeling of panic he had felt in his short time hanging out of the window.

“How long can he survive in there..?” Ray wondered as he took another bite of his sandwich.

“He probably has a stash of food in there.” Gerard suggested. Personally, he was pretty sure the guy came out to eat when he thought no one was home. 

“But we would’ve found it...” Frustration was showing through in Ray's voice as he spoke. Gerard understood why. The roommate mystery must've affected Ray a lot more than he spoke of, it must’ve been horrible living in an apartment like he had for the last year. Not only did one of his roommates genuinely go missing, but the other one was practically missing too. Gerard remembered the cry they had shared over Mikey out on the street, and he suspected there was a lot more of that where that came from. But Ray was so strong, when he didn't speak of it he seemed completely unaffected. Gerard admired him for this. 

“I didn’t look under the bed...” Gerard said, but Ray just shook his head to interrupt him.

“It’s unfair...” He admitted, looking straight at the door. 

“What do you mean?” Gerard asked. 

“That we all have to live by his rules. I feel like I’m an extra in my own home.” 

“I feel the opposite. It's almost like I’m the one locking him in...” Gerard said, still not looking at the door. It gave him the chills just to consider it. 

“Well, that’s what he deserves.” Ray said through gritted teeth, shaking his head even more. 

“It doesn’t make me feel any better...” Gerard admitted.

“It’s impossible for me to feel bad for him to be honest. Not after what he has done...” Ray said, putting his sandwich down. His hands were shaking badly now, making the plate jump as he sat it down on the small coffee table. The porcelain against the wood made a loud rattling noise. 

“I thought all he did was stay in there..?” Gerard asked. 

“Sure, and that’s why I’m the one getting the blame.” Ray answered loudly. There was no sound from inside of the door, not a single sign of life. 

“What do you mean?” Gerard asked again, feeling stupid for not being able to just understand what Ray meant. 

“People around here... They stuck the blame on me Gerard. For what happened to Micha… Mikey.” The hurt in Ray’s voice was one Gerard had never heard before. It was raw, the sound of it felt like it cut in his skin. It hurt him too. 

“... Do they?” He asked, feeling his voice lower in an attempt to calm Ray down. Ray didn't seem to notice as he avoided his gaze, still staring at the door.

“Yeah, for a while… They used to say that I did it.” He said. His voice sounded full of defeat. 

“Ray, I’m so sorry.” Gerard said, feeling awkward. There was nothing he wanted more than to get up and sit down next to Ray on the couch, but the feeling of being too pushy scared him away. He stayed in his seat instead, watching Ray as he wrapped his arms around himself. 

“I wish he knew what he has put me through,” Ray said, still looking at the door like it was a person and not a barrier keeping them both away from the third guy in the apartment. The door symbolized the existence of him and worked like his face outward. “He’s such a coward... Hiding in there so he wouldn’t get the blame”. 

Gerard could only nod in response as he watched the door. It felt like it was smaller now. It was almost like they were tearing away at it, breaking down the barricade their roommate had built up around it. 

“Sometimes, I think he did it.” Ray mumbled. 

Ray didn't say goodnight after they had finished their meal. Instead he shut both Gerard and the double out with his own door, slamming it behind him so hard that it made the picture frames on the walls jiggle dangerously. Gerard considered going after him for a while, but he decided not to. Ray needed his space and he wanted to respect that. If he wanted to talk more, he would've said so. Instead Gerard decided to focus on being ready for whenever that happened, so he could be the best friend possible. The thoughts almost distracted him from his fear of being alone in the main area, not minding the dark shadow still looming over him. But soon he noticed it again, and he cleaned up quickly to get out of the living room. It felt like there were thousands of eyes observing him as he cleaned up before heading into the bedroom. Gerard could feel himself trying to hide from himself as he got undressed, feeling exposed even in his own room. It felt like that shadow in his dream, who now lived in his paintings stayed with him just barely out of sight. He feared having to go back to sleep.

Growing up, Gerard had been a sleepwalker. Not the kind that roamed the house before going back to bed, but rather the type where your dreams makes you unlock doors and walk aimlessly around in neighborhoods. Once he had woken up close to the city border, walking next to the highway only wearing his pajamas. It had started when he was young, he was maybe six or seven years old when he first woke up on the street. And from that day on it didn’t matter how many outer locks his parents installed on his door: he could always find a way out. It had gotten so bad that his father had started walking with him too, using the sleepwalking as a form for nightly exercise. His mother did not share the same perspective, getting furious with them both when she found out. She would much rather pick up more shifts at her shitty job to cover his trips to a counselor. Gerard hated being there, sitting on the dusty couch as a social worker tried to dig a way into his brain. Gerard didn’t have an explanation for why he would walk, he had no memories of why he had woken up on the front lawn of his school or on the top floor of a strange apartment building. But what he could remember was the vivid dreams. They felt so real that he struggled with remembering what was real and what was not. It got harder and harder to differentiate the dreams from his memories as they slowly filled up his brain, confusing him. He hated to dream. He never received a diagnosis as he slowly started to grow out of it. Every birthday he felt a little safer, it became his way of measurement. The walks would become less and less frequent, but the dreams never stopped. He really thought that he had grown out of it, that he wouldn’t do it anymore. He felt shameful for what he had done, even when it was out of his control. Sometimes he would paint in his sleep, waking up with paint smudged all over his pillow and comforter. The paintings were better than what he could do when he was awake, almost to the point where it felt wrong to take credit for them. He had packed them in the bottom of his suitcase, and they still lived there. He didn’t even want to look at them. He was unsure if the black silhouette was real or not. The dark footprints staining his sheets certainly made it feel real.


	8. Chapter 8

Ray caught a ride with Gerard to school Monday morning, not showing any visible signs of what had happened the night prior. None of their alarm clocks seemed like they had done a good job that morning as panic flooded their apartment. The boys met in the bathroom: equally tired, disoriented and with only 20 minutes to spare. 

“What would I do without you?” Ray let out a relieved sigh as he leaned back into the passenger seat.

“Just fine I’m sure.” Gerard laughed as he pulled out of the parking lot in his scratched and bumped car. The floor was covered with cigarette buds, fast food bags and half empty soda bottles, making a crunching sound when they got in on either side. Gerard had never been the best driver, but he trusted himself enough that they would make the ten minute drive to campus alive. On his trip up to Vermont he had been a lot less conscious of his own safety. 

“I won’t make a habit out of it.” Ray promised, watching the road fly by past them. 

“I don’t mind.” Gerard admitted. He enjoyed having some company, especially in the car he had spent so much time by himself in. 

“... So you won't mind driving me around when winter comes?” Ray laughed, and Gerard only shook his head in response. Vermont was still in late summer bloom, the tall trees lined the sky with its bright green foliage. Just imagining the trees naked and bare, surrounded by piles of snow made him shudder. He hoped for the days to drag on as slowly as possible so he could postpone the seasons inevitably changing. 

“Is it alright if I jump off here?” Ray asked as they pulled up to campus, and before Gerard could answer he had closed the door behind him. He watched Ray run up the stone staircase from the parking lot, with his messy hair and untied shoes. The welcoming ceremony for the freshmen wouldn’t be starting in another ten minutes, giving him just enough time to park without hitting anybody. Getting out, he felt the morning air grab a hold of his hair. He wondered if he would ever get used to it, or if the longing for California sun permanently lived within him. 

The campus was a lot bigger than what Gerard had expected it to be. He couldn’t afford to go across the country to attend the freshman orientation, and had to make due with the brochure Mr. Gibson had handed him when they had discussed his future. The black and gray pictures didn’t do the area justice at all. Seeing the perfectly cut lawn with the diagonal pathways hidden between the brown buildings felt surreal compared to what he had imagined. Only looking at black and white pictures had painted his perception of Vermont gray, and now he got to color in his new reality. The party Ray had brought him to had proved his previous expectations to be wrong, and the lively campus did the same. He could recognize some people he had seen before at the punk house, but most of the people surrounding the podium were new to him. He easily merged with the growing crowd, trying his best to get lost in it. Looking around, a wave of relief came over him. He didn’t stand out as much as he had previously feared. Rushing to get dressed that morning, he had no time to put any thought into his outfit. He was dressed his usual black as he stood with his peers in the harsh morning sunlight, picking up on casual small talk as he waited for the dean to speak. She spoke of community: about how they had to include everyone academically but also socially. She told them stories of how the friendships gained at college could last a lifetime, but only if they properly tended to them. She sounded strict as she talked of the importance of checking in on your friends once in a while, just to check if everything is okay. It made Gerard think of Ray, wondering if the stories were actually about him and Mikey.   
A friendly laughter that broke out in the crowd, making him snap back to reality. The dean had moved on to speaking of long nights in study hall and the even longer nights at midweek parties, and about how she was advised not to say this; but they should give in sometimes and live a little.

"In moderation, of course!" She added, to a roaring crowd. Gerard joined in with them, and it didn’t take long before he found someone to hang out with. Soon he was invited to a party at the on campus dorm, it was apparently a tradition. 

“She’s the dean, so her word is law.” A girl with short, green hair referenced the speech as she invited him. He couldn’t say no as they roped him in, telling him stories of their first days living there. He had thought he would be the only one here not born and raised in Vermont, but there were people from all of the country gathered at the big lawn. He heard stories from Michigan and New York, South Dakota and Florida. It made him feel a bit less out of place.   
He had almost forgotten about the footprints and locked door and the open window as Ray opened the car door at the end of the day. It had all been a lot easier than he had expected, and the hours had flown by. Ray wanted to hear everything.   
“Look at you, all grown up and going to your first dorm party!” Ray did his best impression of a proud mother, making Gerard laugh so much that he almost swerved off the main road. 

“You told me to get some friends.” He laughed.

“Yeah, but I didn’t expect it to happen this fast!” Ray retorted, leaning his head against the headrest. Gerard could see that he was looking at him in his peripheral vision.

“You wanna come?” Gerard asked, quickly looking over before focusing on the road.

“How are the girls?” Ray asked, but Gerard could hear that he was going to say yes anyway. He had this way of getting excited that slipped through in his voice in the form of voice cracks and short laughs.

“I would say that you got an acquired taste.” Gerard teased, sure that Ray would've punched him if he wasn’t driving. Ray laughed through gritted teeth, emitting the feeling of hungover angst for the girl he had hooked up with. She was apparently getting a creative writing major too. They had even made eye contact as he walked into their shared communications class that morning.

“Don’t make me think about it.” He groaned, covering his face with his hands. 

“I think she was pretty cute.” Gerard teased.

“You can have her.” Ray cringed, seeming thankful that they pulled up to the parking lot at that exact time. He almost flung himself out of the car, walking a little bit too fast through the dark hallway so he didn’t have to talk about it anymore. 

The party was okay. It was better than being home, that’s for sure. Gerard noticed that the jacket and shoes were gone, but when he spoke of it to Ray he had only received a nonchalant shrug.   
“Not my problem.” He said while shaking his head. The door to the double seemed locked as always when the boys entered the living room. They shared a quick meal in each other's company, Gerard indulged himself in another cup of noodles as he looked jealously over at Ray’s pasta and garlic bread. They planned to pregame together, but there were still a few hours until it was time to leave. They went their separate ways as they opened their bedroom doors, Ray intent on sneaking in a short nap before they had to get ready. As Gerard opened his bedroom door, something white flew down from his drawer. He watched it as it got caught in the wind coming from his cracked window and sliding right beneath his bed. He was met by the herd of dust bunnies living under there as he stuck his head in, making his nose itchy as he reached his arm out to fetch the paper. He finally got a hold of it, rolling out on the floor to heave for fresh air. The note was folded in two, and what he presumed to be the cover page was gray with dirt. It wasn’t anything that belonged to him, he could not remember keeping a piece of paper like this around. He tried hard to remember if the note had been there when he woke up, but it didn't fit into his memories. He flipped it over in his hands, but the other side was like the front- dirty and bare of any text. 

“Don’t worry about me. I come and go as I please.” It told him as he folded it open, written in stark black cursive. Again was he unsure if he was dreaming or not. 

“Should we just walk up there?” Gerard busted out of his room as soon as he heard the creaking sound of Ray's door opening. He was almost out of breath as he asked, desperate to escape the apartment as soon as possible. Ray had shrugged before agreeing, asking if they should pregame on the way up to campus. Soon they were on their way, enjoying the sunset and the fresh evening breeze that rustled the leaves ever so gently. Seeing the beauty of a late August made Gerard’s head clear up a little, and he managed to down two beers on their walk up while saying as little as possible. He could feel the note rub up against his thigh through the thin pocket in his jeans, a sharp corner reminding him of it as it gently scratched his leg every time he put his left foot forwards. He wanted to talk about it with Ray, but he didn’t know where to start. How do you start a conversation like that anyway, about how you suspect that your creepy, third roommate seemed like they had gone into your room to leave you a cryptic note? He played with the thought of it for a while before inevitably killing off the idea. He didn’t want to worry him, but he made a silent promise to himself that if it continued to happen he would tell Ray about it. The message wasn’t threatening in any way, there was nothing to fear.

The dorm windows were filled with blinking, colorful lights like the ones at the punk house, but the mood was entirely different. Easy pop songs blared from the open windows, different tunes coming from different rooms. There were people out on the lawn drinking from a keg while others cheered them on, and by the stairwell was a girl crying as her friend tried to comfort her. It was like stepping straight onto the set of a college movie. 

“This is exactly like I remember it.” Ray reminisced as they walked through the crowd gathering out in the hallway. The dorms reeked of cheap perfume and even cheaper beer. 

“You’re welcome grandpa.” Gerard teased, receiving a sharp shove to his shoulder as a response. It made his red solo cup spill on the shirt of a blonde girl. If looks could kill, Gerard would be dead on the spot. 

“I’m sorry!” Gerard yelled after her as she stormed off, quickly followed by her cohort of similar looking friends. As he looked after them, he spotted Ray laughing so hard that his face had turned a bright pink. 

“Smooth!” He yelled, and Gerard just scoffed in response.

“Are those girls your type too?” He teased, taking a step back in case Ray wanted to push him again. 

“We need to get you some glasses.” He halfway threatened as he pulled Gerard with him down the hallway and up the stairs leading to the third floor.

“I thought we were here to get you a girlf....”

Gerard stopped abruptly in his steps mid conversation. He hadn’t noticed anyone he knew as they walked through the crowded hallways, sticking their heads into the rooms in the hunt for something exciting going on. Gerard couldn’t say that he personally knew any of the people in Generic Horror Trope. He had seen them once, and he had been pretty drunk while doing so. But there they were, surrounded by people standing in a shared kitchen. The air was heavy with smoke even when all the windows were wide open. The short vocalist seemed like she was telling a particularly exciting story to someone Gerard didn’t recognize. Accompanying her in the semi circle stood the business casual drummer and the energetic guitarist, not looking in their direction.

“….riend.” Gerard caught himself staring and quickly continued his sentence. Ray seemed confused.

“What’s up?” He asked, looking directly at him. But Gerard couldn’t take his eyes off of them.


	9. Chapter 9

The mood inside of the shared kitchen was completely different from the rest of the building. Someone had brought their own cd-player, replacing the easy tunes from the hallway with the newest Blink-182 album. “Obvious” played loudly as Ray closed the door behind them, shutting out the loud voices of girls screaming at the top of their lungs to some Top 40 song none of them had ever heard before. Shutting the door let the music fill the room together with the layer of smoke, making the space feel like its own little universe. Walking in you would never have guessed that they were in the middle of something resembling a frat house. When Gerard was invited to this party he had expected to awkwardly force himself to dance to Britney Spears and have to spin the bottle with complete strangers. What he did not expect was to see a crowd he fitted so well into, especially one that included someone he had hoped to see. The other people in the room seemed indifferent to whose presence they were in, their conversations blissfully unaware and floating in the heavy air. 

Gerard stumbled in his own words as he tried to speak but he never came around to answering Ray’s question. He didn’t know why, but seeing the guitarist again had made him feel that same tingly feeling he had felt when he saw Generic Horror Trope play for the first time. The tingling started deep in his stomach and slowly but steadily worked itself up into his chest. It made his heart beat fast, so fast that it felt like it was showing through his shirt. The feeling should’ve probably made him feel good, but the only feeling Gerard felt was nervousness. He had never felt something like this before and it made his palms feel sweaty. It had to be the admiration for the band that made him feel like this, the wish to feel what the guitarist felt as he jumped around on stage. It was the longing for euphoria he was feeling. It had to be... The tingling feeling became a knot in the bottom of his stomach as he hoped it wasn’t something else. 

Ray seemed like he had given up on what Gerard was trying to say too. Instead he walked past him to join in with the crowd, seeming like he had gotten eye contact with the business casual guy. Gerard waited for a moment, considering if he should walk after him or not. At the show, Ray had sent him out to find his own way around in the big house but this time he said nothing. But this time it was Gerard who brought Ray with him, and after taking a deep breath he regained his confidence. Ray and the drummer had both stepped a few steps away from the crowd, casually greeting each other with a quick handshake. The drummer looked out of place just like last time. It looked like he had looked up the definition for nerd before getting dressed that morning, wearing a white button up with a dark blue sweater vest. 

“Gerard, this is Lance.” Ray introduced him, and Lance stretched out his hand. Gerard took it, instantly regretting it. Lance’s hand felt like it was pulled freshly out from soaking in an ice bath. And the firm handshake made him feel like his fingers were going to die from sudden hypothermia and fall off. Lance finally let go, and he could feel his blood rush back into his hand: saving itself while making his skin sting and tingle. 

“Nice to meet you Lance.” Gerard said, trying to hide the discomfort behind flattery. 

“The pleasure is all mine.” Lace answered, his voice as cold as his skin. His head was tilted a bit to the side as he studied him, his deep brown eyes taking in all the impressions and making Gerard feel extremely uncomfortable in the process. 

“Gerard is my new roommate.” Ray explained, and Lance nodded.

“Cool. You should come see our show sometime.” He said coldly. He didn’t take his eyes off of him, even when Ray was talking. 

“Already have.” Gerard answered nervously and Ray laid a warm hand on his shoulder. It made a new wave of shivers run through his body, but these were a lot better than the one Lance made him feel. 

“I brought him with me on Thursday.” He explained and Lance nodded thoughtfully.

“I thought I had seen you before...” He said, his voice sounding one degree warmer. But that didn’t stop him from studying Gerard with his inspecting gaze. Was it something on his shirt? Gerard stole a quick look at himself as he pretended like he was looking into his cup. He was dressed in the same outfit as he wore for the ceremony. His clothes hadn’t gotten particularly dirty from sitting in the grass for a few hours, not from what he had seen. He had made sure of that in the mirror before they walked up here, inspecting every inch of himself before walking out the door. Lance made Gerard feel self conscious and he wanted nothing more but to sink down into the floor and disappear. 

“You guys were great!” Gerard added quickly, trying to cover up his nervousness. It made Lance smile again, allowing Gerard to let out a short sigh of relief. He was so hard to read. 

“Your friend has good taste.” Lance said to Ray, who nodded his head enthusiastically. Soon they all merged into the crowd the short vocalist was entertaining, standing around her in a semi circle as she spoke of concepts Gerard had never heard about before. He later learned that name was Agnes, and just like on stage she took the crowd by storm. They were all watching her like she was otherworldly. One of the guys was standing there with his mouth slightly gaping and Gerard could understand why. She reminded him on an elf as she twirled around. 

His nervousness soon transformed into excitement as he got to know the people surrounding him. Most of them were upperclassmen living in the building, who only joined the festivities to scope out the new blood entering campus. They weren’t a hard crowd to impress like Gerard had feared when he walked in, and he soon found himself speaking without holding back. It was that same sense of freedom that he had enjoyed so much back at the show.  
Back home, he was used to always having to fight to stay relevant. People don’t care about you unless you have something big and exciting going on, preferably something they could use for their benefit too. They didn’t have time for casual conversations as it always boiled down to who was on top and who was left at the bottom. Gerard was never able to climb the social ladder, being left behind as soon as his friends got discovered. His art was too tame, and he was scrutinized for being too soft. When an opportunity finally got to him, he could easily see through them. Most of the people in the art scene wanted to get you hooked on what they were selling so they themselves could crawl out of the drug dealing and into their success stories. It was a hard reality, and he felt fortunate that he was able to leave it behind. He was excited to finally make something out of himself, or at least to die trying. He wanted to create a future far brighter than the past he had left back home in Redding. The only thing he asked for was to one day wake up happy and with a guarantee of food and shelter. He hoped that future would help him out of his sleeping troubles, popping the bubble and showing him the world he was actually living in. Moments like these where he was surrounded by people he enjoyed the company of, always felt like a dream. He pretended to scratch his arm to pinch himself, just in case.

“Want one?” 

Gerard broke out of his thoughts as he heard the words he had desperately wanted to hear all evening. He hadn’t had a cigarette since Thursday, unless you counted the half finished one he had found in an ashtray outside of the building a few days ago. He had decided to ignore the red marks of the previous owner's lipstick when he stole it, it tasted waxy and turned the inside of his lips red when he finished it off. It had given him a break from his thoughts for a minute, and he enjoyed every second off it. There had been few times he had been able to forget about the dark silhouette outside of his window, and that had been one of those times. He was aching to have that feeling again, so much that he almost lost his breath when he saw the newly opened pack of reds. 

“Thank you.” He answered as he tried to control his fingers from greedily pulling the cigarette out of the pack. He was almost shaking as he held it between his fingers, putting it between his lips as he patted his pockets for a lighter. The only thing he could feel was the folded note in his front pocket. He must’ve forgotten it in his jacket. He didn’t want to bring it to the party in fear of it making him look too out of place. No one else prepared as heavily as him for the cold nights and he desperately wanted to fit in. 

“Allow me.”

Gerard looked up and the sight made his eyes open widely. There he was. He hadn’t noticed that the guitarist had switched places with Ray, but there he stood- leaning up against the kitchen counter next to him. Between his lips was a lit cigarette, and without any warning he gently leaned forward so Gerard could use it to light his own. There was no way of getting out of it. He had to go through with it. Their faces were close enough that he could smell him, he smelled of dark roast coffee, red wine and newly opened books. “Here’s Your Letter” blasted in his ears as they got closer, but all he could focus on was him. His cigarette met the guitarist’s, pushing up against each other as the one lit the other. Gerard didn’t know where to look, he could feel his gaze race around the room in a desperate attempt to find something to rest on. He could feel his heart racing too as he waited for the right moment to pull away. It almost felt like it was trying to escape out of his chest. But the guitarist wasn’t looking at him either. His eyes were slightly unfocused, watching the tiny flame transfer between them. The guitarist finally pulled away, gently blowing smoke into his face as a big grin formed on his face. It tickled Gerard’s skin, and he tried to not enjoy it too much. 

“... Thanks.” Gerard’s voice cracked as he spoke. He hadn’t realized before now that he had held his breath. 

“No problem.” The guitarist grinned, looking away again. His eyes like all the others rested on Agnes, who spoke enthusiastically about pre-industrial surgeries with the guy who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Gerard had thought that pulling away would make his heart calm down, but it had done the opposite. His hands were shaking badly, and his palms were cold with sweat. This had to be a dream.


	10. Chapter 10

For the second time since Gerard arrived in Vermont was his body filled with the overwhelming feeling of never wanting to leave. He wanted to stay in those moments they shared together for as long as possible, savoring every second and living within them forever. There was something special about the conversations they shared in the smoke filled kitchen. It felt like they were all brought together for a reason, like they had all known each other in a previous life and now got to meet again as complete strangers. Their voices filled the room like sweet songs as the evening turned to dusk, their laughter lingering in the air as the people out in the hallway started emptying out of the big campus dorm. Having to leave made Gerard feel like he was being pulled by the neck: like a child being dragged out of a candy store. They had overstayed, the time ran away far quicker than they had expected and soon it was much later than what Gerard and Ray had agreed on. Ray couldn’t stop apologizing as he took Gerard with him, reminding him that they had to go back to school in only a few hours. Gerard left willingly. Or rather; he had made sure it looked like that on the outside. Something in his chest screamed and ached as he walked out the door, wanting nothing more but to stay until the early morning sunshine blinded them through the big kitchen windows. 

“Could you please stop apologizing..?” He groaned as Ray started back up again for the third time since walking out of the main entrance. They walked next to each other out on the grass outside of the campus dorm past the corpse of the empty keg. It was a sad sight as it laid there empty and discarded on the ground. There were people everywhere, though there was a lot less than there had been when they arrived. Some of them looked to be sleeping out on the big lawn, legs tangled in each other as they sunk into the thin layer of mist. Just thinking about it made Gerard shudder. He would’ve frozen to death if he was one of them. The refreshing evening breeze was replaced by the harsh cold that seemed to set in as soon as the sun went down, and he regretted not bringing his jacket.

“Sorry… No, fuck..! I mean…” Ray was the one stumbling in his words now, not able to finish a single sentence without giggling uncontrollably. The fumbling made Gerard laugh as they waded through the grass filled with discarded solo cups, having to jump out of the way as another one got thrown out from a window on the third floor. It landed with a splash in between them, spraying their shoes with a red, mysterious liquid. 

“Dude, it’s fine.” Gerard said, shaking his foot to get the worst of it off before he ran back over to Ray. He shot a glance back at the building, just to make sure it didn’t come from their crowd. All signs showed that it used to belong to a blonde guy, hanging halfway out of the window three rooms down from the kitchen while puking. “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera blared from inside of the room he was standing in.

“... Did I ruin it for you?” Ray asked drunkenly, putting his arm around Gerard’s shoulder while not seeming to notice what had just happened. The embrace was the closests the boys had been since the night at the punk house, and made Gerard feel what felt about sixteen emotions at once. The memories of Ray opening up for the first time were slightly uncomfortable to think of, but the heat emitting from his roommate’s body kept him warm in the early morning wind. Ray was a head taller than Gerard, and standing this close to him like this made him feel small. 

“... Ruin what?” Gerard asked, not understanding the question. The world around him was turning into one big distraction and he was slowly realizing that he too struggled with holding the conversation going. The road from school and back to their dorm was shorter than he expected to be as Ray led them through several shortcuts, cutting through a tiny patch of woods and through a garden that didn’t seem like it was open for trespassing.

“You guys seemed like you had a good time.” Ray said, gesturing wildly with his other hand as he insinuated to the conversation Gerard had with the guitarist. Thinking about it made Gerard want to smile, but he decided not to. 

They had continued to talk for the duration of the night, Gerard and the guitarist. He was a sophomore just like Ray, but he was an English major. Gerard wondered why Ray hadn’t spoken of him before, why he had kept his friendship with the band a secret. It was a flattering introduction of course, to see them play before he got to meet them face to face but it made him nervous. He felt like he knew so much about them and they knew nothing about him. 

“Just in case this whole... thing doesn’t work out.” The guitarist explained as they talked about his English major. His hand was gesticulating loosely in Lance’ and Agnes’s direction while he spoke. Gerard caught himself staring at them for a moment, before looking back at the guitarist. He didn’t seem to mind. 

“Why wouldn’t it?” Gerard asked, trying to not sound too curious. He wanted so badly to seem cool, but his brain was starting to get fuzzy. Gerard could barely feel his jaw as he talked, and he made the decision of not drinking any more that night. The guitarist shrugged, leaning back against the counter while he looked up into the ceiling. They both watched the fluorescents as the guitarist thought of the question, taking another deep drag of his cigarette before answering.

“Nothing seems to go my way these days I guess...” He answered, drowning his answer in an equally big sip of beer. 

“I think you’re pretty great.” Gerard said, immediately regretting letting the beer speak for him. He had come on too strong, he was sure of it. 

“You don’t know me.” The guitarist scoffed.

“Do you want me to know you?” Gerard asked. He tried to hold back, but the beers and the nicotine were making him feel untouchable. The voices inside of his mind were slowly being drowned out, but he could still hear them as they begged him not to say something foolish. This was his one chance to talk to him, and he had to stop being so bold before he fucked it all up. The guitarist raised an eyebrow, slowly looking over at him. Gerard could feel his brown eyes on his skin, and he quickly looked away to pretend like he didn't notice.

“Do you want to know me?” He asked, a mischievous grin starting to form on his lips.

“... I’m Gerard?” Gerard said as he dared to look back up. The guitarist raised an eyebrow as their eyes met, before looking him up and down in the same way Lance had done. Then he stretched out his hand. Gerard was sure he would receive an electrical shock as their palms met, the guitarist’s cold hand touching his own. He couldn’t help but feel a sudden surge of embarrassment, scared that the guitarist could feel how sweaty his hands had gotten. It was already almost impossible to hold his cup with his other hand.

“Frank.” Frank said, allowing himself to look at Gerard for a bit longer before looking away. Their handshake was brief, compared to the one Gerard shared with Lance. Lance almost held him captive in his cold grip, but Frank let him go easily. 

“It’s always nice meeting new people...” Gerard explained to Ray as they continued to walk next to each other, desperately trying to get out of the conversation. He didn’t want to talk about Frank, it was too embarrassing. He still remembered the feeling of Frank's cold hand against his thigh when he had to leave. He had snatched the note out from Gerard's front pocket, and before Gerard could say anything he had sloppily written down his phone number on it. Gerard didn’t get to say goodbye to Frank before he quickly merged back with the crowd they left behind. The note rested against his leg as they walked next to each other, almost burning his thigh when he thought of it. He had almost forgotten about the black cursive whispering the ominous message hidden on the inside. 

“When I first saw you, I would’ve never expected you to be such a social butterfly.” Ray laughed, ruffling Gerard’s hair before letting go off his shoulders. The surge of cold air made Gerard shiver immediately.

“What did you expect?” Gerard asked curiously, looking over at Ray. If he was sober, he would’ve never dared to ask what people thought of him. He was too afraid of what they would say. Every time he looked in a mirror, he couldn’t help but judge himself. He didn’t look like anyone he would want to talk to, with the reddish purple eye bags and black, greasy hair. The mirror reminded him of where he came from and what he could never change. 

“You kinda looked like a rat on the first day...” Ray said. The boys stopped in their tracks, not able to contain the laughter. Their laughs combined into a loud roar filling the empty streets around them with noise, making their chests ache. They made the Tuesday morning air feel full of life as they walked back home together. Ray was becoming such an important friend, and Gerard couldn’t be more thankful. He had rarely felt the safety he felt in the presence of Ray. He never once made him feel judged and he never had to hide. Ray saw the best in him and Gerard wanted to be more like him. 

To Gerard’s great delight was their nightly tradition of eating together still going strong. Ray stopped him from delving into his own part of the fridge, loudly insisting that Gerard should sit down while he cooked for the both of them. Gerard didn’t understand how he could make such delicious food in such a short amount of time. If he ever wanted and could afford to make food like Ray did, it would easily take him a few hours. Ray effortlessly flipped the pancakes he was whipping up for them.

“Does this count as breakfast?” He asked, glancing at the clock on the microwave. It was getting close to 4am again. They both had classes at 8. 

“Only if we don’t go to bed..?” Gerard answered, actively fighting a yawn he had coming on. He was nowhere ready to have a 3 hour lecture about art history, but he doubted that his class was either.

“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” Ray laughed, putting a plate of pancakes in front of Gerard. 

“We should’ve stayed up there, we would’ve been first to class.” Gerard joked as Ray sat down at the other chair by their tiny kitchen table. The pancakes tasted like heaven. 

“That’s an even worse idea.” Ray noted.

“You didn’t struggle with finding someone to stay the night with last time.” 

“You would’ve fitted right in with the people sleeping in the grass.” Ray teased back.

“I would’ve frozen to death.” Gerard laughed, taking a big bite of his food. 

“I keep forgetting that you're from California.” Ray said with his mouth full.

“I thought I was going to die when I shook Lance’s hand.” Gerard laughed shortly, making Ray choke before he laughed loudly. Ray’s laughter validated Gerard’s thoughts of the experience, and explained why Ray had gone in for a fist bump rather than a real handshake. 

“Yeah, he’s something else... You’ll get used to it.” 

“Do you know them well?” Gerard asked before taking another bite. Ray had to think before he answered the question. 

“Lance and I are doing the same major. And I think I’ve spoken to Agnes like twice?” 

“You don’t know Frank?” Gerard asked.

“No, not at all. He’s rarely at school, so I’ve never gotten around to talking to him.” Ray shook his head as he finished the last of his pancakes. Gerard felt his little secret burn in the front pocket of his pants. He dug for the note, pulling it out to show Ray. It made him choke once more, but this time on air.

“... He gave you his number?!” He yelled, his voice full of a pleasant shock. Gerard was just about to answer, feeling the warm sensation of blood rushing to his face as he started to blush. But he was interrupted by the loud rattling of keys out in the hallway. Both of the boys froze in their tracks, unable to move as they listened to the sound of the doorknob being turned. They could hear the sound of someone stepping in, who also seemed like they had frozen.

"Hello?" Ray yelled loudly, even though the hallway was only a few feet away. The only response he got was the noise of rushed footsteps followed up by their third roommate slamming the door closed behind them.


	11. Chapter 11

“ _hey. it’s Gerard. cool meeting u last night!_ ” 

His message stood lonely in his inbox as he waited for Frank to answer. Gerard had typed it out, hated it, deleted it and then rewritten it so many times that he couldn’t remember what it looked like when he first started. He wouldn’t normally carry his phone with him. It was too expensive using it day to day anyway. Feeling the weight of it in his pocket just reminded him of how he needed to get a job sooner than later if he wanted to keep living like this. Waiting for his phone to vibrate was one of the only things that kept him awake as he struggled his way through his 8am lecture. Professor Clarke took to the stage in the big auditorium, not seeming like she read the room before she started speaking. The sound of contagious yawns filled the air as his peers got comfortable in their seats, ruffling sleepily in their notebooks as they tried their best to listen. The early Tuesday morning hung over them as a heavy blanket and the normally bustling crowd silently shared the same goal of surviving the three hours before they could reap the reward of getting back into bed. 

He didn’t get any sleep last night. The boys shared a quick look as the door slammed shut. It didn’t look like any of them were fully able to process what had just happened. Ray held his breath as he quietly got up, walking slowly to look into their empty hallway. The hesitation in his step made it feel like he expected their roommate to still be standing there, even though they both had heard him run. 

“Should we follow him?!” Ray whispered loudly as he looked back at Gerard who still hadn’t moved from his chair. He sat completely still as he looked back at Ray, bewildered of what they should do next. 

“... Do you want to?” He whispered back. His mind couldn’t comprehend what had just happened and the whole situation was making him feel dizzy and nauseous. Just being alone in the apartment when he knew their roommate was home made him feel horrible, and getting another confirmation that he actually existed made him feel worse. If Gerard could have it his way- the roommate would disappear from their collective memory for good. He wished he could just forget about him. The heavy feeling of despise grew in his chest as he thought about it.

“Do you think he’s still out there..?” Ray asked, moving quickly but warily down the hallway until he reached the door. Gerard didn’t follow him. As Ray moved further and further away, he started to feel the slight draft of the living room window caress his skin. It was like the universe was guiding him, telling him the answer to the riddle as he got up from his chair. Gerard walked on his tiptoes past the couch and over to the big windows facing the road and the white suburban on the other side of the street. He almost tripped in the tangled wires connecting their game system to the broken TV as he pulled the green curtain away to get the full view. He was right. In the middle of the street stood the silhouette of a man just out of reach from the dim street lights, wearing a long jacket. His hair got caught in the wind as he looked up at the window, but Gerard couldn’t make out the person's face. He raised his hand in a wave as he looked up at Gerard, waving it slowly.

“Ray..?” He said, looking back into the kitchen. Ray didn’t hear him.

“... Ray!” He yelled louder, and it was a matter of seconds before Ray made it over. He nearly slipped on the wooden floors as he made the turn around the couch. 

“What?!” He asked loudly as he grabbed hold of the windowsill to keep his balance, almost toppling over the dry potted plant in the corner as he looked frantically out of the window. But when Gerard turned back to point him out, the shadow had disappeared. All that was left was the wind playing with the trees lining the road and the low hanging mist lit up by the street lights. Looking to his left, he could see Ray’s eyes scan every inch of their view as he tried his best to find whatever Gerard had spoken about. 

“He… I’m sure he was out there!” Gerard stuttered as a wave of self doubt washed over him. He was sure he had seen him. He was 100% sure! He immediately started to feel sick, like the walls were coming in on him. In a desperate attempt to calm himself down he looked down at his hands. They were his safety when he didn’t know if he was dreaming or not. They didn't look like hands when he was at his worst. He fought to count his fingers as he tried to bring himself out of the nightmare, breathing slowly to regain his consciousness. 

“... But you saw him?” Ray asked. Gerard could almost hear Ray’s heartbeat through his chest.

“I think so...” Gerard mumbled, still staring down at his hands. The only response he got was the sound of Ray hitting his fist into the window, producing a bang loud enough for Gerard to fear for the state of their window. Ray let out a loud yelp as he gripped his hand with his other in pain, turning his back towards the empty street. The sound brought Gerard right out of his trance.

“Ray, are you okay?!” He gasped, watching Ray as he sunk down into a sitting position against the wall. When he didn’t answer, Gerard could think of nothing but to sit down next to him. There they sat for something that felt like an hour, shoulder to shoulder in the silent apartment. Ray had his knees pulled up to his chest, leaning forwards to hide his face. As the hour went by, the early morning sunset started peaking through the window is it awoke the birds. It lit up their apartment with soft beams of light as the sun tried her best to show them a sneak peak of what would later turn out to be a very beautiful day. But right now it didn’t make any of them feel any better. 

“That’s the closest I’ve ever been to seeing him...” Ray whispered after a while. His words were muffled, but Gerard could clearly hear the disappointment in his voice. It made Gerard have to think a bit before answering. He had seen the silhouette before, in his dream. It made him unsure if he was asleep or not, but he wasn't ready to speak about it just yet.

“Did you want to see him?” Gerard asked. He certainly didn’t want to, not ever again. 

“Not really...” Ray sighed. 

“I don’t blame you.” Gerard whispered as he leaned his head against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. 

“... You understand why I feel like this right? This isn’t just something happening inside of my head?” Ray asked suddenly, his fast movement pulling Gerard right out of his thoughts. His face was colored with concern as his wild eyes looked for validation in Gerard’s. It scared him to see Ray like this. He was so used to being the one who saw things that wasn't there, and seeing someone else struggling with the same thing was terrifying. Ray was usually so cool, calm and collected. The whole situations scared him deep into his core. Gerard had seen Ray in weakness, but never in fear. 

“I understand... It has started to tear on me too...” 

Ray looked like he calmed down a bit as he loosened up the hard grip around his knees. It looked like he was freezing. 

“Thank you for being here.” He said earnestly, as he gently leaned his head on Gerard’s shoulder. 

The lecture dragged on at a snail pace, making the first 45 minutes feel like it had been 45 years. Gerard was sure that whatever Ms Clarke was talking about was very exciting stuff, but his brain couldn’t comprehend a single word of her lecture. The sun shined down on them as he joined his group out for some fresh air during their first break, blinding him as he tried to passively smoke whatever the others had. Gerard felt gross as he stood there in the clothes he wore yesterday. Thankfully they all looked a mess as they stood around the ashtray, sharing experiences from the night prior. He struggled as much in the classroom as he did outside with taking in words and conversations. Most of it just melted together into a big mush of words he couldn’t grasp.

“I didn’t even see you last night!” The green haired girl named Leah said loudly, pulling him with her out of his daze. 

“... Oh, uhm... I was on the third floor?” Gerard answered as he rubbed his eyes- desperately trying to fight back another yawn. He could almost hear his bed speak to him from all the way back in their apartment, whispering sweet nothing to him as it wanted him to finally get some sleep. He couldn’t wait for the day to be over.

“I was too!” She yelled, almost stomping her foot as she spoke. Leah had woken up in the same room she lived in, just one one floor beneath her own. Another guy in their group, Andrew, had gotten the bright idea Gerard also toyed with- and slept by the school entrance. Gerard could only shrug in response as they walked back in, enduring another two hours in the dark auditorium. 

“ _FUCK, I didn’t see your message! hey!_ ”

It was late in the evening when Gerard’s phone finally buzzed, making him fling himself out of the couch to get to it. It shook Ray awake, who sat halfway asleep by the desk in the living room with an impressive stack of paper in front of him. They had silently agreed to not talk about last night when they met up in the apartment at the end of the day, both going to their separate rooms to catch up on some long needed sleep. They met up as the sun started to set, eating dinner together before they dove head first into their coursework.   
Gerard slipped just like Ray had earlier that morning on the hardwood floor between the living room and the kitchen, having to grab a hold of the edge of the counter to catch himself from falling. He hit his knee against the wooden cabinet, making him howl loudly. 

“Slow down there bud!” Ray laughed loudly as he watched Gerard jump around on one foot from the shooting pain. It took him a moment before he could put it down again, almost long enough for him to forget why he was over there in the first place. He picked up his phone and quickly started typing, before deleting it all again.

“What’s up?” Ray asked as Gerard made his way back to the couch with his head still buried in his phone. The book Gerard had been reading before flinging it across the room laid sadly by the TV, but there was no time to go and pick it back up. Instead he sat down, trying hard to formulate a sentence that didn’t make him look like a total loser. 

“Frank texted...” Gerard mumbled. Ray almost did the same move as Gerard as he jumped out of his chair to see what was happening. It seemed like he needed a pick-me-up too: that he, like Gerard, had wished for something nice to happen to get their thoughts off of things. He supported his weight on his arms as he leaned over to see the message with his own eyes.

“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously, leaning forwards to see the phone better.

“Nothing yet...” Gerard answered, raising his phone to show Ray the blue screen with their short collection of two text messages on it. 

“... Then what are you going to talk about?” Ray reiterated, looking back over at Gerard as he finished reading it. 

“I don’t know...” Gerard said, leaning his head back on the back of the couch. He stared up at the ceiling as he realized that he had no idea where he should go from here. He had sent the first text without any prior thoughts or plans and now he had to suffer for it.

“Are you going to invite him out?” Ray asked, turning his chair around before sitting back down again. The question made Gerard choke on air. He could only heave for breath as a response. 

“I thought you guys..,” Ray said, quickly stopping as Gerard shot him a look.

“Did we?” Gerard asked, feeling his heart beat fast in his chest.

“... Had a good time I mean.” Ray continued, lifting his hands in the air to avert the situation from escalating. It made Gerard’s pulse lower again. For a second he had thought that he had forgotten something important from last night and the angst had shot through him like a bullet. Gerard looked back up at the ceiling as he calmed down, breathing slower as he looked straight into one of the fluorescents hanging above them. 

“We did. He’s cool.” He confirmed. 

“Meet up with him then!” Ray encouraged. 

“How?” Gerard asked, tilting his head back to look at him. They both sat in silence for a while, trying to find a good answer. It quickly became clear that none of them had any experience with these kinds of things. 

“What about getting coffee?” Ray asked after a while, looking out of the window at the sun setting over the house on the other side of the street. 

“Isn’t that lame?” Gerard asked, looking back over at him. 

“Would you think it was lame?” Ray asked, making Gerard think. He wouldn’t say no if Frank had asked him, but when it came from himself he felt like it sounded absurd amounts of lame. Why would Frank, a punk rocker in an awesome up-and-coming band go out with him; a broke student without any redeeming qualities, for coffee? 

“What do I say?” Gerard asked after considering his options, looking to his roommate for advice. The phone felt like it was burning in his hands, like it was a bomb he had to detonate before it exploded. 

“... That you want him to grab a coffee with you?” Ray asked, completely oblivious to huge amount of emotions rushing through Gerard’s body. 

“Just that?” Gerard asked as he fumbled with the phone. 

“It doesn’t need to be a declaration of your everlasting love if that's what you're thinking.” Ray laughed as he turned around to focus on his ungodly amount of coursework. 

“I’m not in love with him!” Gerard yelled back.

“Sure, Romeo.” Ray laughed. 

“I just think he’s cool.” Gerard continued to explain.

“You can’t talk your way out of this one.” Ray said as he opened his textbook. 

“Can we please not make this a thing?” Gerard begged.

“Can’t help you.” Ray laughed. Gerard fumbled with his phone for another 10 minutes before he answered.

“ _don’t worry haha. do you want to grab a coffee sometime? :)_ ”

Now all he had to do was to wait.


	12. Chapter 12

A week went by without an answer. Gerard had almost given up hope as another Monday evening rolled around. In the beginning, he had been eager to check his phone every 10 minutes in the hope of an answer. He had even changed his ringtone from the default one in expectation of an answer. He felt it phantom ring multiple times, especially if he kept it in his pocket. But by Thursday afternoon, the whole routine of looking at a lifeless phone felt less and less exciting. Slowly he stopped carrying his phone on him, and instead he put it on silent in its usual spot by the fruit bowl in the kitchen. He hadn’t even looked at it at all that day, not wanting to be disappointed once more. Ray was standing right next to it, stirring around in a big pot as the energetic sound of MTV filled the apartment. He wished the upbeat music could’ve done something about his mood, but it wasn’t helping in the slightest as he continued feeling extremely unmotivated to do anything. On the kitchen table laid a half finished canvas, assigned to him by Ms Clarke. Gerard couldn’t bear to look at it anymore. Instead he sat by the table while staring in another direction, pretending like it didn’t exist. His only distraction was the sad excuse for dinner he had made and Avril Lavigne asking him why he had to go and make things so complicated.  
“Find a painting that inspires you, and paint it your way. We’ll be discussing them all on Friday.” Ms Clarke had announced to class, only to receive a choir of loud complaints as an answer. Gerard hadn’t expected the whole auditorium to reject their first assignment of the year, but he had quickly understood why as he realized how big of a task it actually was. After spending a few hours in the library browsing some books, he decided to paint “The Kiss” by Edvard Munch- feeling like he could recreate it easily enough. It wasn’t his favorite, but looking at it had at least made him feel something. Bringing the book from the car and up the stairs had been a struggle. Of course did he have to borrow the biggest book they had. It made a loud thump as he let go of it above their tiny coffee table, making the wooden legs creak loudly. He had felt a sweat come on for a hot second as he grew unsure if it could handle the weight of it or not.

“How’s all of that going?” Ray pointed his fork in the direction of the painting as he sat down in the chair by the messy desk. Gerard couldn’t resist but to let out a loud sigh.

“Not too good huh?” He laughed. 

“I don’t want to think about it.” Gerard whined, scratching his under eye. 

“I think it looks good! Like... I can see what it is supposed to be.” Ray complimented as he continued to look at it. Gerard felt a sudden urge to get out of the chair and in the way of Ray’s line of sight, but he didn’t act upon it. Instead he felt his index finger nervously start to claw away at his thumb.

“And that’s why you’re studying journalism...” Gerard mumbled, desperately wanting to get the attention off of his work. It made Ray choke on his food, before he let out a roar of laughter. 

“I still have working eyes!” He retorted as he wiped the side of his mouth with his sleeve, still laughing. 

“I’m not so sure about that.” Gerard snickered as he slowly dared to look back at his work. He was used to painting scenes like the one he chose, but he quickly learned that it would be a lot harder than what he had expected. The dark shadow he saw in his other paintings had now taken permanent residence in his art. And like in all of the other ones, it had made a visit. This time it took the form of the man, drowning his silhouette and transforming him into a dark hole who ate the woman alive. There was something off about the aura of it, like there was something bigger living within it. Just looking at it made him feel a slight nausea that he couldn’t explain. It looked like the reference, he could see that too. But it was something off about it all. 

Thinking about dark silhouettes, his mind fled to the third person sharing their apartment. They hadn’t heard a single noise from the double since the roommate walked in on them last Monday. The shoes and coat were gone, and nothing moved in the apartment during the hours they spent outside. Ray had thought his books had moved once earlier that week, but the theory was quickly debunked when Gerard reminded him that he had torn them down when they both rushed to class earlier that morning. He hated how much their third roommate got to dictate their lives. No matter how much fun they had or what they did in the apartment to make it their own; the looming feeling of being watched weighed heavily on them. Gerard could see it tear on Ray too, but none of them ever acknowledged it unless it was absolutely necessary. 

“Did he answer by the way?” Ray asked after a while. He wasn't looking at Gerard now, he was too busy with scraping the bottom of his bowl to get the last of his dinner out. Gerard had almost completely forgotten about the text messages as he opened his case of paint, trying to figure out how to lighten up the dark hole domineering his painting.

“Who?” He asked, not paying attention anymore. 

“Frank?” 

“Oh…" Gerard said, feeling a bit out of it as he wetted his brush before dipping it in a lighter shade of blue. "... I haven’t checked.”

“... Who are you and what have you done to my favorite roommate?” Ray laughed as he walked past Gerard, giving him a little push to the right shoulder on his way back to the kitchen. It was perfectly timed with Gerard letting go of his first brush stroke, but it still made his heart skip a beat in fear of ruining the painting. He could only roll his eyes in response as he caught his breath, letting his gaze follow Ray over to the sink. 

“It’s been a week.” He sighed, putting down the brush again. He already wanted to quit.

“Yeah, but that’s no reason to give up!” Ray retorted, turning on the water to wash his dishes. 

“I probably came off too strong...” Gerard mumbled, putting the wrong end of the brush in his mouth to chew on it. He had thought about it all for a while now, before he decided to let it all go. He couldn't afford to let not getting an answer to a text message tear him down. There would be more opportunities, at least he hoped so. 

“Oh come on!” Ray objected, pointing at him with the soapy dish brush. “It was literally the most vanilla message you could've sent!” 

“Maybe he’s more of a pistachio guy?” Gerard grinned. 

“You’re nuts..” Ray retorted once more, struggling with containing his own laughter. And soon Gerard had to give in. He felt lighter as the laughter flowed out of them, filling the room with warmth as they scared the shadows away. There was no room to even think of their third roommate when they allowed themselves to laugh like this, feeling the tears push on as Ray's contagious laughter made his chest ache. 

“...He totally answered by the way.” Gerard couldn't believe what Ray was saying as the laughter settled. He hadn’t even noticed that Ray had checked his phone, and he almost jumped out of his chair to get to it. The phone was slightly wet as it flew through the air, almost plummeting right into the painting before Gerard could catch it. 

_“Sure! i’m off friday if that works for u?”_

The painting could wait. The world could wait. The shadows could fuck off. Gerard felt the eagerness in his hands as he looked at his phone. He was nearly shaking as his fingers tapped away at the tiny keys. In that moment, he had completely forgotten how long it had taken Frank to respond. 

_“Works 4 me! I’m kinda new around here, do u have a place?”_

Gerard stared at the screen, rereading the message over and over again before he decided to send it off. He had nothing to lose at that point. 

_“meet me at new day.”_ It took Frank about ten minutes to respond this time, but Gerard didn’t care. “Ray?” He asked as his fingers flew over the tiny keyboard once more.

“Yeah?” Ray turned off the sink, shaking off his hands before he dried them on the kitchen towel.

“Where is New Day?” Gerard asked, still not looking away from the blue screen. 

“Oh, it’s like 15 minutes away.” Ray explained. New Day was a bar and concert venue a little bit off of the beaten path, built on the inside of an old church that was abandoned long ago. “Are you meeting him there?” 

“Looks like it.” Gerard smiled as he answered the text. He could hear Ray whisper a compliment about the location underneath his breath as he started putting the dishes back in the cupboards. It made Gerard smile even more.

 _“Ok. when?”_ He typed, trying to pass as casual even though his heart was racing in his chest. 

_“7pm. be there!”_ Frank answered almost immediately. 

Gerard usually struggled with going to bed. He would stare up at the empty ceiling for hours, letting his thoughts drag him to unspeakable places. But for the first time since he moved he got a good night of sleep. There were no dreams or intrusive thoughts, only peace as his head met with his pillow and he was carefully shown the way into a dreamless sleep. He didn’t think of their third roommate for a second after the last text was sent, he had more important things to focus on. He awoke before his alarm broke the silence in his tiny bedroom, looking up at the streams of light peeking through from the sides of the green curtain hanging above him. He stretched his arms over his head, listening to his joints release a loud cracking noise and loosening the tension between his shoulders. The alarm clock to his left read 06:44 and his classes didn’t start until 10. Normally he would've gone back to sleep, but instead he decided to enjoy the entirely silent apartment as Ray had yet to awaken. The only sound he heard was the gentle chirping from the birds residing in the tree outside of his window. A nest belonging to something that looked like a shrike was his closest neighbor, and when he was lucky- he got a glimpse of its life between hunts. He enjoyed his time in bed for a while before he got up to ransack his drawer for something to wear. The dirty pile by the door was starting to get near breaking point, swaying dangerously every time he had to jump over it to get into his room. But it was all after plan. He had waited on purpose until he didn’t have anything to wear before going down to the laundromat. It looked like that day would be today. He let out a relieved sigh, feeling thankful that Frank hadn’t asked to meet that day. He couldn't let him see him like this, wearing his old high school hoodie. He pulled out the suitcase from underneath his bed, filling it with the dirty laundry. It would be the easiest way to get it with him, he could just store it in his car.   
  


“It’s so unfair!” Leah yelled from on top of the washing machine. Ray had put a calendar out in the hallway that previous weekend, and Gerard had watched him cross out the days he would be working night shifts. He often found himself staring at it- dreadingly counting down the days until he had to be alone again. This would be one of those nights, and the group text during class from Leah about them all meeting at the laundromat had been his saving grace. He had planned to go anyway, but it was even better when he got to spend time with his friends. She was waving at him from her spot when he arrived, only wearing an old t-shirt that hit her at the mid thigh. 

“... We’ve been here for less than two weeks and you’re already struggling?” Andrew teased as he pulled his Alkaline Trio shirt over his head to throw it in with the rest of his laundry. 

“Only with having to show it off in front of the whole class!” She whined. Gerard had never expected Leah to be anything other than confident as she sat there looking so effortlessly cool in front of them. He didn’t dare to get undressed like they did, not even if they paid him. 

“It’s only to see where we’re at, like technique wise...” Gerard chimed in, trying to hide that he shared the same dread Leah was feeling. He couldn't even try to explain why his painting was turning out the way it was, and he didn't want to show it off. He knew he wouldn't be able to answer a single of their questions about intent or about the meaning behind it all. 

“Yeah, but I don’t want to show off that my technique is shit!” Leah whined, nervously clawing away at her nail beds. 

“You could always drop out.” Andrew shrugged as he emptied his pocket of a handful of loose quarters. 

“As if!” Leah laughed as she shook her head. They all shared the same dream of pursuing art, although they all came from entirely different walks of life. Leah had raved about how she could paint a David Hockney in her sleep, and Gerard didn't doubt it; based on the pictures she had shown him. Her parents owned a gallery in Montpelier, and she was already well established as a child prodigy. But here she was, studying at the same level as him and Andrew- who barely had their paintings stuck on the fridge when they were younger. Andrew was more of a pencil artist and already before class was over, he had whipped up an anatomical sketch Leonardo DaVinci would've been proud of. Gerard felt a slight tingling of jealousy as he saw them work, feeling like he would never reach that level.

“How are you holding up Gerard?” Andrew asked after a while as he sat down next to him on the black couch. He was a great deal taller than Gerard, towering over him at an impressive 6’3. 

“Fine I guess...” Gerard lied as his thoughts fled back to the painting on the kitchen table. 

“You should move into the dorm with us!” Leah interrupted. She proposed the move to him every time they met up, and every time Gerard would pretend not to hear her. Although it was tempting, he didn’t want to leave Ray behind. Their building was a lot different from the one he lived in anyway. The school owned dorms were a lot cheaper than the one he lived in now, but he would have to share a double if he wanted to move. And he couldn’t bear the thought of having to share the kitchen and showers with the whole floor. Gerard could barely look at himself in a mirror without feeling disgust, and he would never survive in a place like that. Although their roommate situation sucked, they at least had their own bedrooms and bathroom. They just needed to get the last guy out for good. That would be the last piece in the otherwise perfect life he was starting to puzzle together in Vermont.

“I love where I live...” Gerard said, knowing there was a speck of lie in his answer. 

“You live with that Ray guy right? The sophomore?” Leah asked curiously after thinking about it. The question seemed to peak Andrew’s attention as he leaned forward, looking back and forth between Leah and Gerard. He seemed like he knew where this was going. 

“Yeah..?” Gerard asked, scared of what she was going to ask about. 

“... Do you think he did it?” She asked in a low voice so the old lady tending to the register didn’t hear her. The laundromat was almost vacant, and their voices could easily be hidden under the tunes coming from radio playing by the entrance. There was one other person in there except for the older lady, sitting across the room from them- hidden behind a big newspaper. 

“Did what?” Gerard asked, deciding to play dumb. He knew exactly what Leah was talking about and there was nothing he wanted more but to drop the conversation. She had asked about it before, and like with the move- Gerard would pretend not to hear it. The pain Ray went through wasn't something to be discussed by complete strangers, and he detested that she had even brought it up. 

“You know… That missing guy?” Leah continued. 

“Leah..!” Andrew said loudly in an attempt to stop her. He seemed like he had read Gerard’s mind. 

“Dude, we all know he did it!” Leah snapped back, seeming a bit offended. 

“Leah!” Andrew said again, his voice strict as he tried to shut her up. 

“I don’t believe it, and you shouldn’t either.” Gerard mumbled as he leaned back, rubbing his under eye with his hand. He had hoped their excursion was going to be a fun time but this was turning into anything but that. 

“Don’t tell me you believe in the whole changing his name and running away theory...” Leah rolled her eyes as she asked, supporting her weight on her arms as she leaned back. 

“Ray would never!” Gerard shot back through gritted teeth. 

Leah jumped gracefully off of the washing machine to grab her purse. She rummaged in it for a while, looking for something.

“Don’t worry about her…” Andrew said in a low voice so she wouldn’t hear it. 

“I don’t.” Gerard whispered back. 

“Found it!” She yelled as she made her way back to them. In her hand was a folded piece of paper. She handed it to Gerard, who hesitated a bit before taking it. As he unfolded it, it felt like he was going to throw up. He recognized the person in the picture and the realization made him lose his breath for a short second. The resort-guy he had been talking to on this second night in Vermont, who’s name was Marco Ramirez, was smiling up at him from his missing poster. 

“...Why are you showing me this?” Gerard sighed as he tried to give the paper back to Leah, but she wouldn't take it. 

“Don’t you think it’s suspicious?” She wondered as she leaned against the machine she had been sitting on. 

“Wouldn’t it make more sense if he had killed me then?” Gerard shot back, feeling agitated as his hands turned into fists. 

“... What do you mean?” Leah asked, tilting her head in wonder. 

“Michael was Ray’s roommate, just like I am. Marco had nothing to do with Ray as far as I know.” Gerard said through gritted teeth, shaking the poster so Leah would take it back. She did so reluctantly. He remembered their conversation back at the party, about how Marco didn't believe in the conspiracy theories either. Gerard felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he hoped he hadn't stumbled upon something he shouldn't have, and was now paying the consequences. It had to be a coincidence. It had to. 

“I guess so…” She said in a low voice, clearly feeling bad as she folded the piece of paper back together.

“Just give it a break,” Andrew chimed in, shaking his head. “The guy literally went missing like yesterday. And none of us are smart enough to be detectives. We're literally going to art school.” Gerard felt thankful for how Andrew handled the situation, sharing a short laugh with the rest of them. 

“I would sleep with one eye open if I were you...” Leah blinked at him as the discussion ended, unknowingly hitting a nerve within Gerard. The reminder sunk from his chest and into his stomach like a heavy stone. He didn't like to be reminded of it, he had started to hate thinking about it. He couldn't be more thankful for Andrew asking loudly about where they were going to eat later, interrupting Leah once more. 


	13. Chapter 13

“I see that you too are enthralled with the works of Munch. Very well.” Ms. Clarke winked at Gerard as they moved around the classroom that Friday afternoon. The desks and chairs were pushed up against the walls, effectively transforming the classroom into an amateur gallery. A sudden gust of cold September wind howled through trees on campus, making them fight to stay up while throwing shadows on top of the paintings of all shapes and sizes through the big windows. The works of art revealed their owners long before they could walk up and explain why they chose them. There was no question what painting Leah had brought with her as she stood in front of it, her green hair was the exact same shade as the trees and her pink lipstick matched the dress the woman was wearing in her Edward Hopper replica. If Gerard hadn’t known she had painted it, he would’ve guessed it was the original he was looking at. It was impressive. 

“$5 that she dyed her hair to match it.” Gerard whispered in passing to Andrew as they walked over to have a closer look.

“Deal.” Andrew whispered into his ear, before leaning back up to clap politely. Leah was a natural as she spoke in front of the class and it was clear to them all that this was what she had grown up doing. Gerard had not expected to actually receive the 5 dollars by the end of the class, but Andrew delivered it together with a tiny threat for revenge. The money burned in his pocket as he knew he would finally be able to buy a new pack of cigarettes, making him look even more forward to the afternoon. 

“Yeah... I enjoy him very much...” Gerard stuttered as he answered ms. Clarke’s statement, trying to figure out how to please her. She was hard to read as she stood in front of him, she was head shorter than him and displayed a friendly smile while still looking strict. Ms. Clarke wore her graying hair in a messy bun while a knitted cardigan so long that it almost turned into a cape hung over her shoulders. It was hard to place what kind of person she was, as she looked like she came from multiple walks of life all at once.

“... But what made you choose him? Seeing that your chosen medium is mainly watercolors, I would’ve expected you to pick something by Francis Towne or John Marin.” She noted, leaning forwards to study the canvas through her thin glasses. It was the one comment Gerard had dreaded the most. Having to explain the shadow eating away at his painting from the inside was impossible. But the embarrassment of having to explain that the reason why he used old water colors and shitty acrylics was because there was no other way for him to afford buying food was worse.

“I wanted to see if it was possible...” Gerard nodded, trying to crawl his way out of the mess he had made for himself by coming off as experimental. This was what he had always done when he was questioned. He would lie and pretend until there was nothing else left of him to distract them from who he really was. No one was allowed to come close enough to see the real him. 

“Very well. It's a bold move..,” She mumbled, quickly scribbling something down in the notebook she was carrying. “But I’m impressed by the courage. Keep it up.” 

And then she turned on her heel, walking over to Andrew's beautiful recreation of a sketch made by Michelangelo, drawn in multiple colors with a fine ballpoint pen. He looked just as nervous as Gerard felt as he twiddled his thumbs and rocked on his heels, answering the questions to the best of his ability. But as the room moved on, Gerard found himself lingering between his friend's paintings. His own looked so dark and lifeless compared to theirs. Hanging together like this, his painting looked like a sudden thunderstorm interrupting an otherwise beautiful day. It was like he was trying to inspire his onlookers to run away in fear, and it made a knot tighten within his chest. He needed to do better, and quickly. 

“Leah, could you please remind me again why you didn’t want to show off your painting today?” Andrew asked Leah from the other side of the local gas station. They had all gone there together, Leah and Andrew caught a ride with Gerard into town. Together they browsed through the candy aisles, trying to figure out what they should eat to celebrate turning in their first real college assignment. Doing some quick math in his head, Gerard would be able to treat himself a soda next to the cigarettes he craved so badly. 

“She hated me, you could see it on her face!” Leah laughed, even though the look she shot at Andrew was close to deadly. 

“Bullshit!” Andrew and Gerard yelled in unison before quickly looking in each other's direction, both equally impressed that they had thought the exact same thing. 

“You’re one to talk, she ate yours up Gee!” Leah scoffed as she made sure the cashier wasn’t looking directly at them. The packets of M&M’s barely made any sound as she stuffed them in the deep pockets of her jean jacket. Gerard couldn’t disagree more. 

“I got lucky...” He shrugged.

“I got lucky..!” Leah retorted in a bad impression of his voice. “She literally called you brave!” 

“Brave for fooling myself into believing that I could do that painting justice.” Gerard mumbled loudly on his way to the register, making Andrew giggle. They had both agreed that what made the two of them brave was the fact that they even dared to show up. Most of the people in their class had some form of formal training. They either came from high schools of performing arts- or they were like Leah and were born into it. Gerard and Andrew found themselves in the third and more niche category: the ones who had fooled their way in. The reason for Andrew’s talent was apparently the anatomical charts his father kept in his office in an effort to make Andrew follow in his footsteps and become a surgeon. Gerard couldn’t even start to imagine the bravery of trashing a stack full of admission letters to medical school before moving away without saying goodbye. He could at least call his family if he wanted to. Andrew was told that he wasn’t to come back before he changed his mind, and he was fine with that. 

“When are you leaving?” Ray asked from his usual spot in the living room as Gerard paced around their apartment while trying to get ready. He had lost count of how many times he had brushed his hair or changed his clothes as he stood in front of the mirror, feeling extremely self conscious. He had ended up wearing one of Ray’s jackets, the black one he normally didn’t wear. He stood there staring at himself, cuffing his sleeves while trying to figure out if he looked good enough or not. The jacket was too big if he kept the sleeves down, but his scrawny arms wasn't something he wanted to show off either.

“In an hour...” Gerard mumbled as he stared at himself in the full body mirror hanging by the bathroom door. He could hear the creaking of Ray’s chair loudly as he leaned back to look at him, only to laugh out loud. 

“... And you’re planning to wait by the door like a dog until you have to leave?” He asked, grinning from ear to ear. Gerard flipped him off as a response, before turning his attention back to his hair. He sorely needed a haircut. Maybe Leah could help him? It was too late for that now, but he remembered in passing that she never let anybody but herself touch her hair. He should ask her on Monday.

“How do I look?” Gerard asked as he slowly made his way back into the main room. Ray turned around again, measured him up and down with his eyes. Then he shrugged. 

“... Like normal?” Ray asked.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gerard hesitated, looking down at himself. He was wearing a band shirt he thrifted in Colorado on his way up to Vermont. He didn’t know the band, Neutral Milk Hotel, but it looked cooler than most of the other shirts he owned. It didn’t have any holes in it either. 

“You look like you.” Ray reassured.

“Oh no...” Gerard mumbled, pacing back to the mirror to check himself out. 

“... That’s not a bad thing!” Ray yelled after him, making Gerard turn on his heel. “You look good Gerard.” He continued to reassure him. 

“... It’s not too much”? Gerard asked, putting his hands in his pockets to pull the jacket away from his body and give Ray a better look. 

“When did a t-shirt and jeans become too much?” Ray laughed as he turned around, leaning forwards to turn his attention back to his coursework. 

“I don’t know…” Gerard said as he scratched the back of his head. 

“You’re making a very big deal out of something that is not a date.” Ray chuckled as he highlighted a paragraph in the thick book he was reading. 

“It’s not a date!” Gerard groaned as fell down in the living room chair, pushing it a bit with his foot so it wouldn’t be facing towards the double but rather towards Ray's desk. 

“... Are you bringing flowers?” Ray asked without looking up from the page.

“It’s not a date!” Gerard yelled, throwing his legs up on the armrest and leaning his head back. It made the view of the double 

“If you say so...” Ray chuckled, not seeming convinced. 

The drive up to the bar was longer than he had expected, but Gerard didn’t mind. His shitty car speakers blasted a mixtape his friends made for him as a going away gift, and he sang along to his heart’s content with The Ataris as he drove through the deep woods. He enjoyed the change of scenery, seeing the small town turning from city to acres and into tall trees. The golden sunset was turning into dusk, and soon the darkness would swallow the view and hide it all under a blanket of darkness. The gravel road brought him deeper and deeper into the woods until the trees suddenly started to pull away, opening up into a clearing fitting the big church they had named New Day. Looking at it, he would’ve never expected the building to ever have been abandoned. 

It was still early in the evening as he pulled into the small parking lot, but he still struggled with finding a spot. Glancing over at his dashboard, he found out that he was early. 06:53pm. He still had 7 minutes before he had to be there, and maybe 17 minutes if he didn’t want to seem like a total loser. Gerard leaned his head back against the headrest, closing his eyes as he considered if he should stay where he was or not. A loser shows up too early but a creep sits around waiting in his car, watching his prey walk past before pursuing. Going back and forth with himself for a while, he finally decided to get out. It would be better if he got them a table anyway. There were people hanging around by their cars in the big lot, talking loudly as the music buzzed from the inside of the church. Lights shined through the stained glass windows, filling the parking lot with bright colors and making it look otherworldly. The wooden doors stood wide open, welcoming him as he walked up the stone stairs. He was met by a small lobby area, it was probably used to keep what he imagined to be a bustling queue away from the main venue space. A knot grew in his stomach as he hesitated to walk further in, making him linger in the lobby for a moment more. He instead decided to pay attention to the huge announcement board, letting his eyes fly over the colorful posters overflowing the frame and onto the huge wall. He saw a mix of touring and local bands playing all genres imaginable taped on top of each other in a constant battle for dominance. Though he had never heard of most of them, he still recognized a lot of them from Ray’s wall in the living room. It wasn’t hard to find the yellow, pink and blue poster for Generic Horror Trope between the black and white ones, but their tour dates were obscured by a paper note. Gerard reached up to pull it away, only to pull it down from the wall all together. 

“Want to work for us? New Day is looking for part timers with key and closing responsibilities. Evening and night shifts expected. Students are welcome to apply.” Gerard quickly pocketed the note, saving it for later. And he was glad he did as a familiar voice shouted from behind his back.

"Generic Horror Trope huh?" A familiar voice asked behind his back.

“Yeah." Gerard responded, still looking at their poster.

"They're pretty shit, aren't they?" Gerard would’ve disagreed if he hadn’t recognized the charming laughter he knew belonged to Frank. But seeing him still made his heart jump. Frank was waving at him from the double doors, just walking in. 

“Hey!” Gerard said as he almost lost his balance, trying to cover it up by leaning up against the wall. 

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” Frank grinned as he walked towards him. He was wearing a dark green flannel, buttoned all the way up to his neck. It was a good color on him.


	14. Chapter 14

Gerard awkwardly rubbed his shoulder as he felt his heart pounding fast in his chest. He tried his best to cover it up as Frank stopped in front of him, briefly allowing himself to look away. He felt the need to flee from having to look into Frank’s brown eyes for too long, and instead let his gaze inspect the lobby. There was a constant stream of people walking in and out of the wooden doors, greeting their friends and lovers with loud and cheerful voices. Most of the crowd opted to hang right outside of the door, on the stairwell or in the parking lot. They replaced the fresh scents of the woods with their own, filling the lobby with an odor made of smoke, dirt and gasoline. Frank nodded his head towards the door leading into the main area, walking in front to let Gerard take it all in. Where there had once been long, wooden church benches there were now small, round tables. And as they walked down what used to be the aisle, he saw that the apse where there once had been an altar had been filled with a stage, packed out with huge speakers and fancy equipment. The only thing that remained from its initial usage was a beautiful marble statue of Virgin Mary. She held her hands folded in prayer, watching them from her spot on the pedestal between the huge windows.

“They clear it all out when we… I mean the bands come to play.” Frank explained while gesticulating lazily towards the cafe tables, looking behind his back to see if Gerard was still with him. He had lost him halfway down the aisle as he stood staring up at the ceiling, gawking at the room with his mouth slightly open. The sight was quite overwhelming. The huge room echoed all the sounds within it beneath the tall roof, flinging great acoustics of voices and the upbeat sound of an acoustic guitar right back at him. It took his breath away as he tried to take it all in. Back home, Gerard was used to garage shows and shitty, overpriced venues. His normal was places that smelled like weed and piss, with low hanging roofs and black walls smeared with graffiti. Nothing back there could even come close to looking anything like New Day. 

“This is... Amazing!” His voice was filled with awe as he looked around. He almost didn't want to look away, feeling like he had to break out of a trance to sit down at the table Frank had chosen for them. It was a bit secluded from the rest, standing left to the stage by a statue Gerard didn’t recognize. 

“It’s a godsend.” Frank admitted as he pulled out his chair. “What do you want?” He asked, leaning on the back of the chair as he glanced over at the bar in the corner. 

“Whatever you’re having..?” Gerard didn’t allow himself to think about his bank account as he followed Frank with his eyes on his way over to the bar. Gerard observed him as he casually leaned up against it, quickly making small talk with the young bartender who seemed pleased to see him. It was clear that they knew each other. But Frank didn’t linger and soon he was back, looking unbothered by the two steaming hot mugs he was holding in both of his hands.

“I hope it’s not too strong...” He winked as he sat them down, before he got comfortable in his chair opposite Gerard. He looked like he owned the place.

“I’ve been drinking coffee since I was like… 13 or 14?” Gerard thanked him as he reached out to pull the glass mug towards himself, flinching as he felt his fingers burn by the brief touch. He would have to let it rest for a moment if he didn’t want to come home with second-degree burns. Frank on the other hand didn’t seem to mind the scorching heat at all as he led the cup to his lips. Feeling like he had to do the same, Gerard quickly pulled the too long sleeves of his jacket all the way down to his palms. He could still feel the burning glass through the shield made of fabric, but it was at least possible to taste whatever he had ordered. The mug was warmer than the coffee on the inside, but tasting it- he couldn’t recognize what type it was.

“Oh I gotta warn you. We spiked your drink.” Frank chuckled as he looked directly at him, making Gerard choke before the drink could even reach his throat. It made Frank quickly put down his own mug, looking a bit worried as Gerard coughed in an attempt to collect himself. He felt his mind race, bombarding him with questions as he looked directly back at Frank. 

“... Not like you’re drugged! It's a Southern Limerick.” Frank explained. None of his words made any sense.

“I thought limericks were supposed to have like five lines.” Gerard laughed, wiping the side of his mouth with the warm sleeve. 

“It’s the name of the drink. I’m not southern either.” Frank chuckled.

“I can tell.” Gerard teased before he dared to taste it once more. It was sweeter tasting than expected, but now he was able to pin the coal-like aftertaste of the whiskey as it flowed down his throat. It made him cough a bit more. 

“I warned you!” Frank laughed loudly, seeming to relax again as he leaned back comfortably in his chair. 

Their conversation flowed easily as the evening grew darker. The setting sun was gradually replaced by the rising moon, shining her eerily beautiful light through the stained glass windows. Frank rested his chin in his hand as he told Gerard stories about growing up in New Jersey. They were weirdly similar in the way they were brought up, coming from broken homes that eventually led them to flee from it all. But while Gerard was actively discouraged to pursue art all throughout his childhood, Frank had grown up truly believing it was the only thing he could ever do successfully. He had moved out as soon as he could to pursue his dreams, moving from state to state in the hunt for some kind of success. It wasn’t until he got to Vermont that all of the pieces started to fall into place. As he told Gerard all of this, he looked away- resting his eyes on the acoustic guitar player having a blast by himself on stage. 

“I haven’t seen them in a while.” He sighed as he finished telling a lengthy tale about his mother. 

“Why not?” Gerard asked, having one last sip of his drink. It had gotten cold between the lengthy stories and their fits of laughter. 

“I don’t think I can return like this...” Frank laughed, leaning back in his chair as he pulled his fingers through his black hair. He had his left foot up on the chair, looking a bit like a gargoyle as he sat there in front of him. It was weirdly fitting to the vibe of the church they found themselves in. 

“What do you mean? You’re literally doing what you set out to do!” Gerard admired. He had never dared to take a leap of faith like Frank had done. Moving to Vermont was the safest choice he had been presented with. There was nothing at stake, other than a pile of student loans when he was finished. It had rather been the opposite. He would’ve been a lot worse off if he had stayed back in Redding. 

“If it only was that easy.” Frank sighed as he shook his head. Gerard had noticed that he did that sometimes, speaking in codes he couldn’t understand. But he decided to not dig further into it. If Frank wanted to tell him something, he was sure he would. 

“I’m sure they’re proud of you.” Gerard smiled as he leaned a bit forwards, feeling pulled in Frank’s direction. 

“And we need to have it stay that way. I’m not about to shatter the image of me that they’ve made up,” Frank winked, before quickly getting up from his seat. “Want another one?” 

“The next round should be on me!” Gerard argued, only to be turned down.

“My treat.” Frank shut him up before turning on his heel, quickly walking away to prevent Gerard from arguing about it any further. There were more and more people flowing through the big door leading into the venue, and before Frank could return- an employee came over to move their table to make room for the steadily growing crowd. Gerard quickly got up, standing awkwardly by the wall as he waited for Frank to come back. The guitar player had gotten up to receive a rather mediocre applause. It was clear that they were expecting someone else to come on. As Gerard waited, he rested his eyes on the tech crew effortlessly running across the stage to place the instruments presumably belonging to the band the crowd was waiting for. If he had waited any longer, he would’ve expected Frank to have fled to the stage to play another show. The plastic cup with beer was a huge contrast to the burning hot mug, giving his hands the cool down they desperately begged for. 

“Who’s playing?” Gerard wondered as Frank leaned his back against the wall next to him.

“Upstate Sorrow.” Frank answered, looking to the stage. One of the techs was carrying a white guitar, placing it by the mic stand. 

“Are they any good?” Gerard asked as he stared at the guitar. It looked similar to something he had seen before, but he couldn’t place it. 

“Not as good as us.” Frank grinned, running his hand through his hair again to get it out of his face.

“So they’re a threat?” Gerard teased as looking over at Frank. He received a shove to the ribs with a sharp elbow, almost making him spill his beer. The shove was quickly followed up by Frank's charming laughter. 

“Watch it Way...” He threatened jokingly. 

“What are you going to do?” Gerard teased more. 

“Come here.” Frank grabbed Gerard by the wrist, pulling him with him into the growing crowd out on the floor. Frank was a lot stronger than he had expected, effortlessly leading him through the masses. Gerard had first thought they were headed for the front row, but he quickly understood that Frank had other plans. They walked diagonally all the way to the back, and then out to the lobby. He felt confused for a moment, trying to understand where they were headed. But it started to make sense as Frank leaped up the first few steps of the stairwell to right, leading the way up towards what Gerard imagined to be the clock tower. 

“I know a place...” He smiled as he started running, making Gerard chase after him. Their eager steps echoed between the wooden walls as they moved further and further up, their beers leaving wet stains on the carpet. Gerard heaved for breath as Frank stopped in front of a big, blue door two floors from the lobby. Again he seemed so unbothered, he wasn’t even out of breath as he stood there grinning mischievously. The blue door made a loud, creaking noise as the overhead lights flowed into the dark room hidden behind it. Gerard followed Frank in, having to blink for a moment to let his eyes adjust to the dim lighting. He felt the thick layer of dust crush like snow beneath his shoes as they moved further and further in, sneaking by stacks of chairs and shaking towers of old bibles, inches away from falling over.

“Here…” Frank whispered like someone could hear them, before turning another doorknob. The latch bolt released a loud crack as the door leading out to the balcony swung open. The bright lights from the spotlights blinded Gerard who had just gotten used to the darkness, making his eyes water. The floor was overflowing with anticipating people now, bustling loudly over the sound of the speakers playing older tracks from a premade CD. They had the great view all to themself, only sharing it with the massive church organ collecting dust at the back wall. It must’ve been years since anybody even touched it. 

“Woah!” Gerard exclaimed, feeling the same feeling of awe as he felt when he first came to New Day. It made his heart race as he looked around. It felt like he never in his life would have enough time to take it all in. Frank led him over to the railing, supporting his weight on his arms as he leaned forwards. 

“Do you trust me now?.” He grinned, raising an eyebrow in Gerard’s direction. 

“Seems like I have no choice.” Gerard smiled, feeling the cold emanating from Frank’s body as only a few inches separated them from each other. It made his heart feel like it was running a marathon inside of his chest. 

“How are you going to top this?” Frank laughed, his glance fleeing to the stage where the techies started to clear out.

“I’ll find a way.” Gerard was the one to run his fingers through his hair now, feeling the tangles and knots fight his hand as it made its way through.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Frank grinned, changing from leaning on his left to his right foot. It made him move closer, sending shivers through all of Gerard’s body. He felt his face turn red as he had no idea what to do next.


	15. Chapter 15

Gerard understood what Frank meant as Upstate Sorrow entered the stage to a loud roar of applause. They weren’t even close to being comparable to Generic Horror Trope, with every band member even more colorful than the next. His expectations were initially very low, but it was easy to get pulled along as the crowd beneath them danced to the mix of electronica and pop punk. Together they all let themselves become one with the music filling every inch of the huge church. Gerard couldn’t stop himself from feeling the arousal created by the synchronicity of the jumping crowd. The lust created by the music pulled him further and further forwards, so much that he had to hold on tightly to the railing so as to not fall down. Frank seemed like he was experiencing the same thing as he bobbed his head to the beat, closing his eyes to take it all in. His shoulder would occasionally brush up against Gerard’s, making the short hairs in his neck raise and his arm fill with goosebumps. His heart was beating in tandem with the electronic beat, feeling like it was about to stop when they inevitably reached the breaks between songs. The blue haired vocalist thanked them all for coming out, receiving a wave of applause that the acoustic guitar guy could only dream about. 

“I agree with you!” Gerard leaned over so Frank could hear him over the loud vocals. He hadn’t noticed their height difference until now, with Frank being almost half a head shorter than him. 

“About what?!” Frank yelled back, his eyes glittering like he knew what Gerard was about to say. Their faces were inches away from each other, close enough that Gerard could feel Frank’s breath on his skin when he spoke.

“That you guys are better!”

“I never lie!” Frank winked before pulling away. Gerard felt himself linger for a moment more, taking in the familiar scent of red wine and cigarettes coming from his neck. Closing his eyes, he leaned back up to again to allow his body to be filled with music once more. 

They lingered on the balcony long after the show ended. Gerard was the one offering a cigarette now, and sitting with their legs dangling down between the railing- they enjoyed a long moment in each other's company. He felt so alive as he felt the music settle within him, like he was untouchable. Nothing could ruin this perfect moment he found himself in. Next to him sat Frank, who was blowing impressive smoke rings that floated slowly up towards the ceiling. Gerard hadn’t noticed that the roof was decorated with thousands of tiny golden stars before now, sparkling down at them every time a spotlight moved.

“I don’t get how you do it...” Gerard mumbled as he took another drag of his cigarette. 

Frank had been trying to teach him how to do it for a while, only to receive very mediocre results. 

“I’ve had some time to practice.” Frank grinned, looking down at his boots dangling

over the heads of the crowd lingering down there. They were talking loudly as they shared their last words about the night, having one for the road before heading home. It seemed like New Day would be closing soon as the employee who previously took their chairs now swept the floor free from what looked like a sea made up a thousand plastic cups. 

“How come that you’re good at everything?” Gerard wondered, tapping off the excess ash into his own cup instead of on the carpeted floor. If he could help the employee out just a little, he was willing to do so.

“I am not!” Frank retorted loudly, seeming like Gerard had pulled him out of his mind. He had been studying the crowd beneath them for most of their conversation up until now, seeming like he was looking for something that never came. When he finally looked back at Gerard it was with a disbelieving look. He was even underlining his answer by profusely shaking his head.

“Then what can’t you do?” Gerard chuckled, glad he got a reaction out of him.

“... I was never good at running track as a kid. And I’m pretty sure horses hate me? I doubt I could ever ride one.” 

“I don’t believe it.” Gerard was the one shaking his head now. 

“And I’m really bad at drawing. Like actually horrible,” Frank laughed, scratching his under eye before running his fingers down his cheek before they reached all the way down to his neck. They quickly got entangled in his black hair. “There’s a reason why I chose to study English.” 

“Didn’t Shakespeare say that «doubt is a thief that often makes us fear to tread where we might have won»?” Gerard shrugged, making Frank cough loudly. It sounded like he had swallowed his cigarette whole, getting it stuck in his throat as he tried to get it back up. Gerard leaned over to pat him on the back. Like the rest of his body was Frank’s back cold as ice, almost hurting his hand every time if he didn’t remove it quick enough.

“You just continue to impress me, Way.” Frank sobbed, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve as he tried to collect himself. Gerard had never thought that his 10th grade English lectures would ever come in handy, but the reaction had proven him otherwise. 

“Do I?” He wondered, feeling his face flush red as he pulled his hand away. He felt thankful for the techies turning off the spotlights, leaving the church balcony dim and their faces mostly hidden in the darkness. 

“More than I had expected.” Frank grinned but not looking back at Gerard this time. Instead, he rested his eyes on the statue of Virgin Mary. She was on the same level as them, even though they felt far less than equal. 

“How so?” Gerard continued to dig.

“I thought you were going to be the prey.” Frank shook his head as he let a low chuckle escape through his smile. 

“... Is that what you like?” Gerard struggled with getting the words out when he asked. 

“No, it just makes it all easier.” Frank shrugged, finally looking back at him. His brown eyes felt even more intense in the dim lighting. 

“Well, then it’s your turn.” Gerard retorted, leaning forwards to reach into his back pocket. The stolen flyer was warm to the touch as he pulled it out, and he let it rest on his lap as he patted his pockets for a pen. Luckily for him, Ray carried several with him at all times. He tore the paper in two, before giving it to Frank- who looked like a huge question mark. 

“To do what?” Frank didn’t seem to catch on to where Gerard was going with this. 

“To impress me.” Gerard said as he handed him an array of different kinds of pens. Frank chose a sharpie. 

“And you want me to do it with this..?” Frank asked, holding the marker and the paper like Gerard had handed him used tissue paper. 

“Show me that you can’t draw.” Gerard chuckled. “I’ll do the same.” 

“... And what do you want me to draw?” Frank seemed even more sceptical as Gerard pulled off the cap of the gel pen he was holding. 

“I’ll draw you.” He said, tilting his head a bit to the side as he studied Frank’s features. It was a good excuse just to watch him for a little bit, taking in all the impressions and imperfections of his face.

“I’ll make you look like a Picasso.” Frank laughed, finally taking on the challenge. 

“I would say that would be accurate.” 

Their eyes would meet every once a while, lingering for a brief second before running in other directions. Every time they did, it sent a small electric shock through Gerard’s body, starting from his heart and running all the way down into his fingertips. Frank was easy to draw, having pulled one leg up to his chest to have something to draw against. His bad posture mixed with the casual sitting position confirmed to him that comparing him to a gargoyle was absolutely correct. His marker flew over the torn paper, drawing bold lines compared to Gerard who gently chicken scratched his way through. 

“I don’t think it will get any better than this.” Frank mumbled as he stretched out his back, letting it release a loud crackling sound. It sounded like someone had broken his back like a twig, and it almost surprised Gerard that Frank didn’t fall over from going instantly paralyzed. 

“Show me!” He answered eagerly. 

“Let’s do it together.” Frank suggested, smiling mischievously. 

“Sure,” Gerard smiled. “One.”

“Two.” 

“Three!” 

They both threw their pieces of paper to the ground, slamming them to the floor like it was a race before eagerly leaning over to see. Gerard saw a cartoony version himself smiling faintly back up at him from the paper, with scraggly hair and a slightly hunched back- leaning forwards while drawing. It was good. He liked it a lot. 

“Woah, I’m keeping yours!” Frank yelled as he looked at Gerard’s drawing with greedy eyes. 

“You can have it,” Gerard smiled. “But I’m pretty sure you lied.” He laughed as he pulled the piece towards himself to show it off next to his face. It made Frank laugh too, but not for long. It seemed like something was distracting him down on the floor. Gerard leaned slightly forwards to look, quickly realizing what Frank was looking at. Lance, looking ill fitting in his attire as always, was staring back up at them. 

“I’ll make it up to you...” Frank mumbled as he quickly folded the drawing to pocket it. Light as a feather he stood up, not making any noise as he turned on his heel before disappearing into the pitch black back of the balcony. Gerard had no other choice but to follow him, pacing quickly into the darkness Frank had disappeared in. Feeling a cold, strong hand around his wrist, he was pulled back into the room they came from- feeling his heart rush fast. Frank didn’t seem like he was heading for the blue door that had closed behind them, but instead led him deeper and deeper into the room. Gerard stumbled over what felt like robes and slid on loose paper, not able to see even an inch in front of him. 

“Where are we going..?” He asked, without receiving any form of answer. It felt like he was being transported through dimensions as they moved deeper and deeper into the room. Or rooms. He wasn’t sure. Sometimes he would step on top of something that reminded him of wooden thresholds, but he never felt like they moved through doors. The space around him was too big. 

“Ouch!” Gerard hit his foot against something that felt like it was made of stone, sending a shooting pain all the way up to his knee. 

“Don’t make a sound.” Frank whispered through gritted teeth. 

“Are we running away from him?” Gerard asked, lowering his voice but not all the way to Frank’s level. There had to be something more going on, but he couldn’t figure out what. When he was introduced to Lance for the first time two weeks ago, everything had seemed civil. Friendly even. But then a picture of Frank gesticulating in his band’s direction, he remembered him saying something about it all not working out. Was that what he was running away from? 

“Shh...” Frank hushed. 

“I can’t see anything.” Gerard whined.

He heard Frank’s footsteps abruptly stop in front of him. “That’s the point.”


	16. Chapter 16

The blue door begged for mercy as it was forcefully ripped open from the outside, making the heavy door shackle scream loudly as it hit a massive pile of furniture stacked behind it. The pile met its fate on the floor as it tumbled down, followed up by a faint flow of mildly offensive profanities. A thin stream of light briefly lit up the room, but Gerard was still just barely able to make out the silhouette of Lance before he slammed the door shut. One last noise completed Lance's grandiose entrance as he kicked one of the chairs out of the way, shrieking as it slid across the floor before it all went eerily quiet. The few seconds of light revealed what the rectangular room actually looked like, confirming and denouncing how his imagination had filled in the blanks. The chamber was one long, open space without any windows or doors except for the ones leading them in or out. He had imagined the space to be much bigger as the darkness made it feel vast and empty, and he felt genuinely surprised when he noticed how close they were to the back wall on the left side. The gift of light gave room for Gerard to doubt if Lance could actually see them in their hiding spot, hidden behind a massive pile of trash. And since he wasn't able to see Lance, Lance shouldn't be able to see them either. But he didn't have much time to study his surroundings as the door closed and let the darkness eat them alive: making him lose all sense of direction once more.  
As he lost the ability to see, Gerard couldn’t help but to feel like he was dreaming. The whole situation reminded him of the prison that was his nightmares: of the hollow void he continued to get stuck in every time he fell asleep. This certainly felt like a dream. And it didn’t help that the darkness made him feel like he was floating when they moved forwards. Gerard was familiar with places like these: with rooms and hallways bathed in emptiness that evoked the creeping feeling of being hunted for. He couldn’t help but to be reminded of the nightmare he had after they broke into their roommates room, the one with the shadow entering through the window. Was Lance the person who waved at him from the street, hidden by the early morning dusk? It didn’t make sense, but he couldn’t find any other explanation. Lance had freaked him out the first time they met too, but meeting him was nothing like waking up to a note placed on your dresser by a stranger. Ray had agreed with him that Lance could be weird, but he had never mentioned anything that could explain this. Why would he follow them all the way up here? And why was Frank hiding from him too? 

A sudden pull to the wrist brought him out of his pondering and back into the dark room. Gerard felt Frank’s cold hand making his skin prickle as he dragged him along behind him, further and further into the unknown. They tiptoed to what Gerard could only imagine to be the corner of the room. In his desperate search for a sign he silently dragged his fingers along the wall, feeling hopeful that the sensation of wood against his fingers could tell him if what was happening was real or not. 

“I know you’re in here...” Lance’s voice bounced and echoed between the walls, making it impossible to know where he was standing. He could be anywhere, by the sound of his voice he could even be right next to them. Gerard flinched as he felt a pair of cold hands touch him, biting his tongue to not give them away. But this time they grabbed a hold of his shoulders and pushed him up against the wall. The unexpected shove made him lose his breath for a second and he didn’t get to regain it before he felt Frank push up against him. His breath was cold against his neck. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Gerard dared to whisper, feeling his voice shiver. 

“I’ll deal with it.” Frank got as close he could so Lance wouldn’t be able to hear them.

“What is he doing here?” Gerard whimpered. They had never been this close before. 

“Just... Whatever happens, you stay completely still. Okay?” He begged quietly.

“Okay..?” Gerard mouthed, not able to get any words out under the added pressure of Frank’s body pushing on top of his. 

“Good. Pretend like you’re gone. Like you were never here.” 

As soon as Gerard nodded his head, he was let go. Though he couldn’t see him, he could picture Frank moving away as he listened to his fast footsteps pace in the opposite direction- leaving him to stand alone in the corner. Even without the warning he wouldn’t have dared to move, not even an inch. But it didn’t stop his mind from racing and his pulse from raising. It got harder and harder to breathe as he tried to stay still, not knowing what would happen next.

“Go away Lance!” He heard Frank yell back. He was standing just out of reach but as soon as he spoke, Gerard could hear him start to move away again. Not having Frank around made him feel even more vulnerable. 

“I like the spot you’ve chosen.” Lance's complimentary tone made his stomach turn. Hopefully Lance was talking about the beauty of New Day, and not about the dark chamber they all shared. 

“Thanks. You should go find your own..” Frank said calmly. It was getting harder and harder to hear him as he walked calmly towards the edge of his hearing distance.

“Why? You’ve shown countless times that you’re bad at dealing with the mess. Let me help you out.”

“I’m not sharing.” Gerard was sure that Frank had reached Lance at this point as the sound of their echoes started to harmonize. But still, he didn’t understand a word of what they were talking about. 

“... You've already dealt with it?” Lance asked, his voice sounded disappointed. 

“Yup.” Frank assured him.

"You can't keep doing this..." Lance sounded like he was switching quickly between emotions, as the disappointment transformed into annoyance. 

"You're not my dad." By the sound of Frank's voice, it was easy to imagine that Lance was just that. 

“Agnes isn’t going to be happy about this...” Lance’s previous complimentary tone had been completely replaced by a much more threatening one, spoken through gritted teeth. 

“Have you considered that I don’t give a fuck about what she thinks?” Frank snapped back. It seemed like he had finally lost his cool. 

“So you believe that you can just go off doing whatever you want and then just expect the two of us to clean up the mess you leave behind?” Gerard imagined Lance being all up in Frank’s face at this point. 

“I never asked for any of this.” Frank hissed back through equally gritted teeth. 

“What you’ve done is ruining it for all of us..!” Lance roared. It wasn’t hard to hear the anger bubbling within him. 

“... And?” Frank didn’t seem to care.

“... Maybe you should calm the fuck down and stay in line until you learn!” Lance waited for a moment before he spoke again, and when he did- his voice was much lower than his outburst. It made it almost impossible for Gerard to hear what he was saying.

“Well, you’re not any better.” Frank groaned. The eye roll was so loud that Gerard could hear it from all the way across the room. 

“Then let me help you.” Lance’s voice got a bit louder again. From his tone, it was easy to imagine that he was smiling in expectation of getting his will.

“Fuck off.”

“You’re going to regret this Frank. Mark my words.” The sound of someone taking a step back before turning on their heel was unmistakable. It must’ve been Lance who had pulled away. 

“I won’t!” Frank sounded like he was enjoying the reaction he got out of him. 

“Don't bring it back to the house... And clean up the mess you’ve made, it’s starting to stink.” Lance’s threatening last words hung in the air long after the door shut loudly behind him. 

They had ended the evening shortly after the coast was clear. Frank waited a long moment before he made his way back over, probably waiting until he couldn’t hear the sound of Lance’s footsteps anymore. The bright lights from the chandelier hanging overhead burned Gerard’s eyes as they walked out to the landing together, making it almost impossible to see the carpeted steps as they made their way down.

“I’m sorry.” Frank mumbled as they walked next to each other back down to the lobby.

“... What was that all about anyway?” Gerard bursted out, not able to contain it anymore. Holding his breath for what had felt like an hour had given him an insatiable desire for answers. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to go to sleep before he knew. 

“It’s nothing...” Frank shook his head before he skipped the last two steps of the stairs, avoiding the question by landing gracefully on the wooden floor. Gerard was right behind him as they walked out of the big double doors, meeting up with the last few people lingering about in the parking lot. He felt his chest tighten as he surveyed their faces, not allowing himself a sigh of relief before he was sure there was no sign of Lance among them. Frank didn’t seem wary either, but Gerard wasn’t able to shake off the sneaking feeling of being watched. Standing outside in the open made him feel so vulnerable that any loud noise could easily make him flinch. The voice inside of his brain was convinced that they would be jumped at any second now, like Lance was waiting in the bushes for the right time to pounce. It was impossible to shake the feeling he had felt when he saw that Lance looked up at them at the balcony, the intense eyes staring at him from beneath. 

“Do you want a ride home?” Gerard asked as they reached his car, hoping to gain some extra time with him so he could get the answers he needed.

“Sure.” Frank answered with a smile. 

“... So are you and Lance like… fighting or something?” Gerard dared to bring the topic back up as he opened the driver side door, hastily leaning in to move some of his junk into the backseat before Frank got in. Frank didn’t seem to mind the mess as he sat down, glancing over at Gerard as he got the car running. 

“That would be the easiest way to explain it.” Frank scoffed as he ran both of his hands through his black hair before leaning his head against the headrest. Gerard could see in his peripheral that Frank looked extremely tired, sitting with his eyes closed as they drove out of the semi-busy parking lot.

“Let me guess. You’re in a love triangle that has gone violent over Agnes..?” Gerard asked in an attempt to lighten the mood. Starting off with a dumb question usually got the conversation going, and he needed to know more. 

“Oh god. Never!” Frank burst with laughter as he answered the question. It was clear that he found the statement absolutely absurd, and without knowing it: Frank lifted a tiny worry off of Gerard’s shoulders. 

“So the band isn’t an excuse for Agnes to run a harlem?” Gerard continued to joke, watching the road as they made their way through the dark woods. The owners of New Day had placed small lanterns by the road, lighting up the gravel as it crunched beneath the car. He had to be extra careful to not run over a rogue squirrel or possum having an evening stroll in the early September night. 

“No. But I’m sure Lance would love that if we pitched the idea to him.” Frank giggled as he scratched his under eye.

"He seemed kinda obsessed with her. Like how he spoke about her." Gerard noted. 

"He is. He would do anything for her." Frank shook his head disapprovingly. 

“But why did it look like he wanted to fight you, if this is not about her?” Gerard wondered, allowing himself to briefly look over at Frank to see his reaction.

“Lance and I.... We don’t get along. He likes things to be done one way, and I'm always more into the opposite.” Frank sighed, letting his eyes flee out of the window and to the dark woods passing by. 

“... That doesn’t make any sense though. He said he wanted to help you with something?” Gerard had caught Frank speaking in codes again, but this time he felt more intent on getting some clear answers.

“I wish you didn’t hear that...” Frank admitted as he shook his head again, but this time he shifted his body away from the window and over towards Gerard. It seemed like he wanted to tell him something but that he actively stopped himself from actually doing so. 

“So what did he want to help you with exactly?” Gerard continued, briefly looking over before quickly watching the road again. Watching the road felt safer than making eye contact. In the back of his head he could hear the echo of Lance’s voice, repeating something about a mess over and over again.

“Is it okay that I smoke in here?” Frank asked, not every trying to hide that he was actively avoiding having to answer his question. Gerard allowed it with a nod, seeing the fire light the cigarette between Frank’s lips reflect in the windscreen. 

“... You didn’t answer my question.” Gerard insisted, prying the answer out of him. It was easier to confront him in the car, where he didn’t have to look at him directly.

“Lance is strange, okay?” Frank sighed before continuing. “He likes to get his nose all the way up in other people’s business, and then he gets angry when he finds out he wasn’t invited in the first place.” He was visibly annoyed as he spoke of Lance. It was clear that it was more under the surface than what he would like to admit. 

“But you don’t need to worry about him. I’ll take care of it.” Frank reassured, getting closer as he leaned his arm on the console armrest. 

“I won’t.” Gerard nodded. 

“Good. I don’t want him to scare you away.” Gerard could hear that Frank was smiling in the way he spoke, and it made goosebumps form on his skin. Although he had considered the possibility of it in the dark: he really hoped this wasn’t a dream.


	17. Chapter 17

“Wait, start over... Are you saying that Lance chased after you?” Ray didn’t look like could believe what he was hearing as Gerard recapped what had happened that previous evening. A sudden gust of wind had woken him up that morning as it grabbed a hold of one of the branches belonging to the tree outside and flinging it against his window, resulting in a loud bang that ripped Gerard right out of his sleep. It scared him so badly that he almost flung himself out of bed as a cold sweat ran down his neck, bracing himself for whatever was going to come. For a second there, he was convinced that Lance had followed him home and that this was his sick way of getting some sort of revenge. Gerard didn’t want to admit it to himself but he couldn’t help but to feel wary as he thought back to the dark chamber. Seeking comfort, he pulled the itchy blanket all the way up to his chin- holding it tightly to his chest as he tried to calm down his breathing. Out in the living room he heard the distant murmur coming from Ray’s travel radio, but the loud ringing in his ears made it impossible to make out what song was playing. As he regained the control of his lungs, the fright slowly started to transform into an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment. He felt stupid for reacting this way and he hated that he was letting what had happened get to him like this. Especially since the rest of the evening had gone as well as it had. Gerard scratched the side of his nose as he tried to replace the bad memories with the good: filling his room with imaginary pictures of New Day. It was easy to imagine the church and as he did, it became even easier to reminisce back to the feeling of his shoulder brushing up against Frank's. Closing his eyes, he could feel the weight of Frank’s body against his- his lips a fraction of an inch away from his neck. It made him feel a lot better.

“Yeah, he literally ran up the stairs.” Gerard recounted for what must’ve been the hundredth time as he warmed his hands on the cup of coffee Ray had made for him. But it was hard to enjoy it when he had to talk about something he just kind of wanted to forget. He had retold the story so many times at that point that he almost didn’t believe it himself. For every word he spoke, Gerard felt like his story sounded more and more like it was made up: pulled straight out of his own wild imagination. The only detail he purposely left out every time he had to go back and start over was how much Lance had frightened him. Ray didn’t need to know that. Not ever.

“But why though?” Ray wondered as he leaned back in his squeaky kitchen chair. He looked like a journalist sitting with his legs crossed and holding a pen in his left hand. But when Gerard couldn’t give him better answers, he had a bad habit of staring up at the ceiling like it could provide him with a more satisfying explanation than what Gerard could. 

“You know him better than what I do..?” Gerard shrugged, sending the ball back over to Ray’s side of the court. It bothered him that he couldn’t answer better for himself. If it was up to him he would’ve known the whole story from beginning to end, but Frank had kept it all to himself on purpose. What was he hiding, and why was it so important for him that Gerard was kept in the dark- both literally and mentally?

“Yeah, but he doesn’t usually chase after me during class...” Ray noted before letting out a short laugh, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“What about semi-annually?” Gerard tried to joke as he sipped his now lukewarm coffee.

“Every 3 years maybe. But only when Mars is in position.” Ray winked back.

“Probably for the better. I don’t need it to happen again.” Gerard scoffed, putting the mug down to rub his under eye. It was getting sore, but scratching it was addictive. 

“You must think Vermont is the strangest place ever.” Ray laughed as he got up, picking up the dishes in a well trained sweeping motion seeming like it was embedded into his arm. If Gerard had tried anything like it, all of it would’ve toppled over and shattered on the floor before he had even gotten hold of the first plate. 

“... What do you mean?” The statement took Gerard by surprise and made him shift in his chair so he could follow Ray into the kitchen.

“Well, people are going missing left and right... I guess that started before you got here though,” Ray said thoughtfully as he emptied the uneaten crusts of his sandwich into the trash. Gerard could only nod, following along to where Ray was headed.

“And then you move into a four person dorm where there’s only like one other person living because the other guy went missing last year and didn’t get replaced? Wait, scratch that: because there’s a third person who only shows up at night to drag what sounds like dead bodies around! But it doesn't stop there: because a nerdy journalism student wearing a sweater west decided to chase after you up a flight of stairs?!” Ray started laughing halfway through the sentence, and Gerard couldn’t help but to join him. He knew that Ray was right. All of it was absolutely wild. Gerard hadn’t even mentioned the silhouette who haunted him in his sleep and at this point: he wasn’t tempted to do so either. It would be too much to confess about now with all the things he had been through lately. All he wanted now was some peace and quiet, and to enjoy his weekend before he inevitably had to go back to school and have another assignment hijacked by the monsters living in the back of his own mind. 

“I guess you’re right. It’s been kinda crazy.” Gerard sighed as he finished his coffee just in time for the mug to join the others in their dinky dishwasher. It rumbled and roared as Ray turned it on, vibrating threateningly like it was a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment.

“... I’m not saying that you should stop though. It’s great entertainment.” Ray laughed as he leaned casually up against the kitchen counter. 

“Maybe something could happen to you next?” Gerard suggested.

“I’m not the one with a hot guitarist boyfriend who takes him to cool places.” Ray brushed him off. 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Gerard groaned as he felt the familiar, warm feeling of blood rushing to his face on the mission to embarrass him. 

“Your face says otherwise.” Ray smiled, patting Gerard on his shoulder as he headed back to his usual spot in the living room. 

“You need to stop being so obsessed with me.” Gerard teased, desperately trying to make all of this about Ray instead of himself. 

“That’s what journalists do. Our job is literally to shine a light on people who are more interesting than us.” Ray retorted as he sat down in his old computer chair. The massive stack of paper on the edge of his desk had in some miraculous way grown in height since Friday evening.

“I doubt that I’m even close to being interesting enough for anyone to want to read about.” Gerard smiled shyly, looking away as he felt another wave of warm blood rushing to his face. His time in Vermont had been eventful, a lot more eventful than the life he left behind in Redding. But he doubted it would continue that way. 

“Update me when you find out Frank is a werewolf or something. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.” Ray laughed as he turned away to focus on his work. 

The sun warmed the September air as the weekend dragged itself along without any major happenings. It was just what Gerard had sorely needed. He moved lazily between his usual spot at the edge of the couch and the hard chair cramped between the wall and his bed in his room. Every once in a while he would dare to make his way to the kitchen to check his phone, only to be disappointed. Frank had asked him to text him when he got home that Friday evening, but Gerard never received an answer when he did like he was told. His last message stood seemingly unread in the inbox, waiting forever for something that would never come. Every time he dared to get his hopes up he only felt more and more stupid. He quickly returned to his previous strategy of trying to forget about it as he delved himself in distractions. And a distraction was easily found in his almost full pack of cigarettes, accompanied by a short walk out to the street in front of the dorm. He could do like the other tenants and use the ashtray by the main entrance, but on days like these he didn’t want to entertain their small talk. Instead he would sit down on the lukewarm sidewalk, feeling the chilling September breeze ruffle his hair before it took the smoke with it. Sometimes he would even bring his Walkman, but most of the time he would forget it on his desk. But it didn’t even matter when the smoke filled his lungs and dragged all his worries with it on the way out. His nose would tickle and the back of his throat would get increasingly dry, but it was worth it as his heart and his chest started to feel lighter and lighter. By the end when there was only a filter left, he would feel like he could float- leaving his body behind as he set off towards the sky. But the sound of a honking horn or the voices of pram-pushing moms would quickly drag him back to reality. Gerard would sigh before packing up his things, and head back to his spot to try to stay ahead of his coursework to be prepared for when he inevitably got stuck. The sun continued to tickle his skin through the big window facing the street, playfully blinding him as the day faded into dawn. By nightfall was the phone nothing but a distant memory, and when Ray put down a bowl of popcorn on the table to watch a detective movie he had borrowed from the library- it didn’t even matter. 

Gerard allowed himself to sleep in that Sunday morning, waking up later than what he usually allowed himself to do. He had for some reason brought his phone into his room, probably to avoid clutter, and now it rested undisturbed on his desk under a few sheets of paper. It hadn’t made a sound in what felt like forever, and he doubted it ever would. Yawning loudly, Gerard stared up at the drawings he had hung so proudly on the wall. The tiny drawing Frank had made of him had taken center stage, making him smile as he looked at it. He could stay like this forever.

“Could I ask you something?” Ray knocked gently on the door before he peeked his head through. 

“Shoot.” Gerard said, welcoming Ray into his bedroom even though it was too small for Ray to even take one step in. He stood resting in the doorway, taking in how the room looked before he looked directly at him. The deep wrinkle in his forehead made it clear that something was bothering him. 

"Good morning by the way..." Ray was visibly stalling. 

"What's up?" Gerard asked. 

“It’s the one year anniversary of Mikey’s disappearance today...” Ray sighed thoughtfully as he scratched the back of his head.

“Oh… I’m sorry.” Gerard answered instinctively as he shot a look over Ray’s shoulder in the direction of the empty room. The door felt more like a monolith than a door as it stood lifeless in their living room, never being used but still emitting a threatening aura. 

“Dude, it’s fine... But I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the memorial with me?” 

“Of course!” Gerard almost leaped out of bed at the request. 

“It’s not a memorial-memorial. Like, you don’t have to dress in black or anything. I think they’re holding it because of that other kid too.” Ray wondered.

“For Marco?” Gerard asked, maybe a bit too quickly. 

“Yeah.” Ray sighed again. 

“Has he been found?” 

“No. Gone without a trace.” 

“But they’re looking?” Gerard felt a heavy burden land on his shoulders as he asked. Though he and Marco had only spent about 30 minutes in each other's company, he felt bad that he hadn’t turned up yet. 

“Of course. I bet it’s just nerves, having changed majors and everything. He’s probably halfway back to his girlfriend in Florida by now.” Ray was picking at his lip as he avoided Gerard’s eyes, and instead he stared right into the green curtain hanging over the bed. Gerard saw that his lip was slightly shivering underneath his hand.

“I'll drive, if you want to.” Gerard shot through the silence that had started to swallow them. 

“... Cool. It’s not until like 4pm.” Ray smiled shortly before he resigned back into the living room, closing the door behind him.


	18. Chapter 18

The gloomy sky laid heavily over the city as they pulled up to a parking lot almost a mile away from where the memorial was being held. Cars lined the streets as people gathered to walk together towards the busy park, and the boys quickly realized it would've been faster if they had just walked. The slight feeling of rain graced Gerard’s skin as he locked the car behind him and it wouldn’t take long before a rumbling of thunder announced that it would arrive shortly. He felt grateful for once for his heavy winter jacket for having a hood he could use to shield himself from getting soaking wet. Ray on the other hand was already shivering in his thin jean jacket as they made their way past the bustling crowd, trying to get a good spot where they could see the gazebo they had filled with speakers. They ended up on top of a tiny hill where they were able to see over the heads of the crowd gathering as close to the stage as possible. Gerard could recognize some of the faces of some of his peers from school, but there was no one he knew well enough to say hi to. Some of them held roses or white candles in their hands, waiting to light them until whoever was speaking took to the stage. Between their legs ran kids headed for the playground, seemingly unknowing of the seriousness of the gathering. 

“That’s his parents.” Ray murmured so only Gerard could hear while pointing to the front of the crowd. Mikey’s parents were setting up a canvas with his missing poster printed on it on the left side of the stage. His mother, a tall blond lady, was crying silently as she made sure the poster wasn’t crooked. 

“I feel bad for them...” Gerard admitted, allowing himself to sigh heavily. He had never met Mikey in person but from all the shit Ray had been through, he felt like he knew him to some extent. Even though he had never been directly involved in Mikey’s life was Mikey definitely involved in his. 

“Me too. I would talk to them, but I’m not here to make a scene.” Ray was back to sounding defeated as he looked away, his eyes fleeing to the forest surrounding the park. It wasn’t hard to imagine how beautiful this spot was when no one upset the weather gods.

“Do whatever makes you feel better.” Gerard smiled, wanting to be supportive as he looked up at his friend. But Ray only shook his head disapprovingly.

“This is not about me, remember?” Ray sighed as he closed himself off by crossing his arms over his chest. They watched the mayor walk on to the stage- tapping the microphone hard enough for it to release a screech and for the crowd to whimper in unison. Shielded from the downpour by the gazebo roof, he quickly apologized before searching for the pre-prepared speech he had brought with him. His words were somber and filled with grief as he explained how the disappearance of Michael Walters had shaken up the entire state of Vermont. He told them stories of Johnson, a nice and quiet town, and how it should be nearly impossible to get lost in. And that if anybody knew anything, even just the slightest clue about his whereabouts: the Walters family would be more than grateful. The only sound coming from the crowd was the silent sobs of those who were closest to Mikey, and the sharp clicks from an old camera a local journalist had brought with him. Every once in a while they would be interrupted by a flashing light followed by the roaring thunder and the unavoidable gasp from the gathering. Gerard allowed himself to look around as the speech went on, letting himself get distracted from the intense feeling of hopelessness. Although Ray had said that there was no need to wear black, the color united the crowd standing shoulder to shoulder in an effort to comfort each other. It made them all blend together into one big mass, warding them all from the cries coming from the stage. Gerard hadn't noticed them before now, but right next to it stood someone a group of people sticking out like a sore thumb. Protected from the rain by a huge, white umbrella stood Agnes- and next to her stood a guy he recognized. Frank stood a bit hunched forward to match with Agnes’ short physique. He wanted to text him again, but was this the right time? 

“... I wish they would just cut to the chase already..!” The sharp words brought Gerard back to the tiny hill they were standing on. In the beginning they had been alone, but more and more people came to pay their respect: some of them started to migrate closer and closer to their spot. A blonde lady was complaining just loud enough for them to hear her voice as she leaned over towards what looked to be her boyfriend. 

“It’s just like last time babe.” Her boyfriend scoffed, seemingly equally as unafraid as his partner that someone could hear them. Their voices sounded kind of like they wanted to be heard, like they were used to being in the spotlight and wasn't interested in sharing it any longer.

“Yeah... They’re probably going to ask for donations too.” The blonde girl groaned as she pulled her big, expensive looking coat closer to shield herself from the steady downpour. 

“Don’t listen to them...” Ray had leaned down to warn Gerard as he caught him in his eavesdropping. But he couldn't stop.

“... If it was up to me, that guy would be in jail already.” The couple continued, following up the statement with a cruel sounding laughter. Gerard could only look back at Ray in bewilderment. 

“If it was up to you Adam, everybody would be in prison,” The woman said. Her eye roll was loud enough to hear through the rain. “- And how are they going to make money then?”

“They'll be making even more now that Marco boy is gone. They probably gave the murderer a percentage.” Adam snickered, putting a hand around her waist to pull her close enough to kiss her on the forehead. In his peripheral, Gerard could see Ray shake his head. 

“So you think they payed off the murderer too? Imagine killing your roommate to pay rent!?” She laughed. 

“... Could you guys shut up?” Ray asked loudly. He was almost unrecognizable to Gerard when he looked back at him. Gerard only knew him for his unlimited amount of warmth and strength, and it was scary to see his dark eyes turn black with fury as he barked back to the conspiracy theorists. But he could also understand why he reacted like that as his own blood had started bubbling and fuming with just as much rage as Ray must've been feeling. 

“Woah, calm down there dude.” Adam laughed. Gerard couldn’t fathom how he was still grinning. Adam didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. In fact, it looked like he was getting what he was hoping for. Some of the crowd around them were turning their heads in their direction, trying to figure out what the fuss was all about. 

“Just show some respect.” Ray stood tall but Gerard could hear the slight shiver in his voice, revealing that he struggled with staying calm.

“You’re not showing me any.” Adam was puffing up his chest as he spoke. It was clear that he knew that he was getting on Ray’s nerves as he egged him on. 

“I’m trying to listen to what they’re saying on stage.” Ray shook his head, raising his hands in an attempt to give up on the conversation. But Adam had let go of the waist of his girlfriend now and was making his way over. His expensive boots were getting soaked in the mud beneath them. 

“... Do I recognize you from somewhere?” Adam was all the way up in Ray’s face as he snarled at him.

“No.” Ray answered flatly. It was clear that he wanted to avoid any escalation but Adam wasn’t budging. If anything, he was trying to get closer.

“You’re him, aren’t you?” He grinned. 

“And what if I am?” 

“You have a lot of nerve, daring to show up here.” Adam barked loud enough for spit to get in Ray’s face. 

“Get out of my face man.” Ray raised his voice threateningly, but he wasn’t close to the level Adam was at. 

“What are you going to do..? Kill me?” The park had gone quiet. Even Marco’s father who was standing by the microphone had stopped speaking. All eyes were on them. 

“Leave him alone!” Gerard couldn’t hold back anymore as he felt the anger surge within him. It made Adam take a step back in the need to measure his new opponent up and down with his intense looking blue eyes. 

“Bringing backup huh?” Adam laughed loudly mockingly as he looked back at Ray. “You’re tough enough to commit murder, but when someone’s talking to you-” 

Adam was interrupted by Gerard’s fist as it struck his perfect jawline. A shooting pain struck through Gerard's hand as the thunder rumbled in perfect synchronicity, hurting his hand upon impact. But the huge wave of regret that fell over him felt worse. The world felt like it was moving at double speed as Gerard felt Adam's strong grip around his throat, digging his nails into his neck before pushing him hard enough that he fell backwards. His back met the ground with enough force for the mud to splatter around him. All of his breath was knocked out of him so hard that he had to heave to it back as people surrounded them. The impact must've made him lose his consciousness for a brief moment as Ray and Adam had changed places, but all Gerard could see from his spot in the grass was the legs belonging to the people coming to help as they tried to break up the two men still standing. From the sound of it, Ray had managed to push Adam off of him and by the look at it, he had gotten a punch in too. He spit red on the ground. 

“I think it’s time for you to go.”

“He started it!” Adam exclaimed, but the crowd didn’t seem to care who did what. And the boys weren't hard to ask either, and with a grip to the forearm- Gerard was back up on his feet. Ray didn’t want to stay a second longer, and he made it clear by halfway running away. He led Gerard away from the crowd and their voices that continued to bicker with the guy, but instead of going to the road: Ray headed towards the forest. The iron taste was prominent in Gerard's mouth but Ray didn't slow down before the foliage fully shielded them. The green leaves desperately tried to protect them from the rain as they walked deeper and deeper, but the rage of the storm brought cold winds with it. The mix of water and wind made Gerard shiver to the point of making his body unable to get warm. He felt himself heave for breath as he tried to catch up with Ray. 

“I’m sorry!” Gerard’s voice was shivering too as he used the rest of it to beg. With Ray’s height, he also gained close to an extra step- making his strides so long that Gerard hard to run if he ever wanted to catch up. 

“Don’t be.” He muttered coldly. 

“But I am Ray. I really am!” 

“Let’s just go home.” Ray sighed, not slowing down. 

“I had to do something!” Gerard retorted as a cry started to form in the back of his throat, making it hard to speak.

“Just drop it. Please.” 

“I couldn’t let them talk about you like that.” Gerard was on the verge of crying now. He felt horrible as the anxiety snuck upon him. It sat on his chest with the weight of an elephant. 

“So you believe them?” Ray stopped in his tracks but he didn't turn around.

“Believe what..?” Gerard asked. He stopped too. 

“You believe that they were talking about me... That I did it.” 

“No. Oh god, no! Never!” Gerard yelled. He wasn’t able to contain the tears as he made his way over. Ray wasn’t able to look at him, but Gerard could see that he was crying too. 

“- Ray, they accused you! I had to do something!” He continued to plead as he felt intense surge of insane amounts of guilt. They stood like this for a while, not looking at each other while the rain continued to soak all the way through to the inner layers. The storm made it impossible to differentiate what was tears and what was raindrops as the liquids mixed on their faces. Gerard opened and closed his mouth like a fish, trying to speak before realizing that he didn’t know the words. Standing like this made him feel like when a song came on the radio that he recognized, but he didn’t know any of the words. They swirled around in his mind, but they were just out of reach for him to sing along. He had no idea how you got out of something like this. Normally he would be able to lie and cheat his way out, but this was different. The fear of losing Ray was something he had felt before, the night when he first asked about Mikey, but that time was nothing compared to what he was feeling now.


	19. Chapter 19

The only thing Ray left behind as he slammed his bedroom door shut was a trail of muddy footprints. They led all the way from the hallway and into his room, only accompanied by small puddles of rain water dripping from his soaking wet jacket. The door slammed loud enough for the mirror hanging in the hallway to shake threateningly, mere inches away from shattering all over the wooden floor. And then there was silence. 

“Ray! Dude, I’m so sorry.”  
Gerard's throat was raw and sore from begging and pleading all the way back to their apartment. But Ray didn't look back even once, no matter what Gerard promised. He just shrugged his words off like they were nothing before he continued forwards. And as he shut Gerard out with his bedroom door, he took all the colors of the apartment with him- leaving Gerard to freeze out in their cold living room. Feeling like he had nowhere else to go, Gerard ripped the bathroom door open. His cold fingers ached as he started tearing off his wet clothes in the hopes that a warm shower would make him feel better. His soaking wet pants, the back side covered in a layer of wet mud, had to be peeled off his scrawny legs- making his skin prickle and burn in the process. And like the rain had covered up his tears so did the warm water. He felt miserable as he sat on the shower floor with his legs pulled up to his chin. With lazy eyes he watched his purple fingers regain their semi-healthy colors but not once did he feel like he deserved it. Sitting there gave him plenty of time to regret saying yes to joining Ray to the park. He should’ve said no. If he had just savoured those blissful moments he had in bed that morning, he would’ve avoided all of this. The only thing he had to do was to stay under the covers, just like he always did. But for some stupid reason he had decided not to- and now he was paying the price. It felt like he was melting as he sat there silently crying, seeing the water go from muddy to clear as the steam filled the small bathroom. There was still no sound from the main room as he finally got the strength to get out. Gerard couldn’t help but to feel abandoned as he wiped off the steam from the mirror, seeing himself and his new bruises for the first time. Gerard's back was aching from hitting the ground, but what had left the worst marks was the brief chokehold. The skin on his neck was adorned with five purple marks, one to the right and four to the left side. One of Adam’s fingernails had drawn blood and Gerard used his towel to wipe off the crust. It stung, but the pain was nothing compared to what he was feeling in his chest. The lights were still off when he headed towards his own room, carefully trying to avoid the muddy footprints staining the carpet. He almost wanted to throw up as he pulled on some clean clothes out of the big drawer. He didn't deserve them. Outside his window, the huge tree fought bravely against the heavy winds. There was nothing he wanted less than to go outside again, but right now it didn’t feel like he had any option. They had left his car behind, and he was going to need it if he was going to escape. He needed to get out of the apartment. Quickly. 

_ “hey. r u busy today?” _ Gerard reached for his phone, and the one phone number he memorized. He knew this was his only option. He didn't deserve what he was planning to ask for, but he needed to see him once more. Just once, before he would leave for good. 

_ “i just got home. what’s up?”  _ A short spurt of adrenaline surged through his body as the words Frank had typed out appeared on the blue screen, shining up at Gerard not more than a minute after the first message was sent. 

_ “could u meet me? kinda need to get out and i forgot my car.” _ Gerard desperately tried to cover up his begging by sounding casual. Asking like this over the phone felt cowardly, but he couldn’t bear having to stay in the apartment for much longer. Having two locked doors facing him was too much for him to handle right now. 

_ “will u drive me home after?”  _

_ “ofc.”  _

_ “k. but only because it’s u." _ It didn’t take long before Frank sent his address, but Gerard already knew where he lived from the time he had dropped him off. Frank lived in a shared house not too far away from the punk house. 

His shoes hadn’t had the chance to dry and his socks immediately got wet as he laced them back up. The same could be said about his heavy jacket. It was even heavier now when it held what felt like a gallon of cold rain water within the fibers. Gerard didn’t hear anything from Ray’s room as he gently closed the front door behind him. And as soon as he made it outside, gust of wind tried to grab a hold of him: pulling him forwards in an attempt to make him tumble down the two stone steps leading up to the entrance. He struggled to keep his balance as he started walking against the wind, feeling the rain whip against his face like it wanted to slash his skin open. Gerard had no choice but to follow the road Ray had led him through on their second night together. But there were no more tears to cry. Instead Gerard just felt like an empty shell struggling his way forward for no other reason than that he deserved the pain. He deserved the hurt and the storm and the loss. If he was braver, he would’ve removed the heavy jacket as he knew he didn’t deserve that either. His face stung and his nose got runny as the mix of rain and wind blinded him. And yet he pushed on. He had to. The further away he was, the better. He couldn’t hurt Ray if he was far enough away. For every step Gerard took he convinced himself more and more that he was making the right choice. The guilt made it so he couldn’t bear to look at the punk house when he passed it, even though the crude graffiti decorating the outside walls and the heinous Christmas lights that blinked in a variety of colors tried to grab his attention. It was a real eyesore in the otherwise serine neighborhood. Frank’s house on the other hand fitted perfectly in with the white suburbans. But it didn’t fit with Gerard’s perception of him. When he imagined Frank's house, he saw a messy apartment in the big city- New York or somewhere European. Vermont felt like it was too small for him.   
The rain had turned Frank’s gravel walkway into a rainwater river, rushing down into the drain by the pavement. Gerard waded his way through, all the way up to the huge door. The antique looking doorbell chimed and sang when he pressed it, and it didn’t take long before he heard steps running down the stairs on the inside. The dark door swung open to a heavy scent of iron and burning incense but the face that met him wasn’t the one Gerard had hoped to see. If Agnes was any shorter, he would've been able to see straight over her head. 

“Oh... It’s you.” Her eyes went from surprised to thoroughly uninterested as she turned on her heel, barely swinging the door open enough for Gerard to slip in through it. She was already half way back into what Gerard assumed to be the living room by the time he was inside. 

“Yeah. I’m here to see Frank..?” Gerard didn’t make it off of the doormat before she almost flew back into the room.

“You can wait in the entrance,” She said. Her passive aggressive tone reminded Gerard of his elderly neighbor back in Redding. They would often be lectured by her for running across her front yard. “- Don’t touch anything.”

Normally, Gerard would feel inclined to rebel. And the decorations he suspected Agnes of spending hundreds of hours curating were almost irresistibly tempting to touch. Walking into their hallway was like walking into a 1890’s mansion, decorated from head to toe in antique furniture. But Agnes must’ve gotten bored of decorating when she started hanging up the pictures. They were all in black and white, with faded smiles looking at him from a long life inside the dusty golden frames. Gerard stared at them emptily as his fingers wandered to a crystal embellished table lamp sitting on a wooden drawer, letting his fingers gently play with them. They chimed quietly in his hand, complimenting the piano that was being played somewhere within the big house. He wished he could appreciate it. 

“You made it!” Frank came walking down the stairs with his hands in his pockets. Like the punk house was an eyesore out in the street, was Frank one within his own walls. If it was any other day, the sight of him would've made Gerard’s heart skip a beat. But today he felt nothing but guilt. He didn't deserve to see him after what he had done. 

“Barely survived.” Gerard halfheartedly tried to joke, but it was harder than expected. But Frank didn’t seem to notice how bad of a mood Gerard was in anyway as he walked down the last few steps. 

“You're certainly too brave for your own good, that's for sure.” He laughed as he nodded his head in the direction of Gerard’s hand. Gerard immediately flinched as he remembered Agnes’ instructions, cringing as the crystal jingled and chimed even louder to tell on him. 

“... It’s not her that I’m scared of.” Gerard admitted as he closed in hand to put it back in his soaking wet pocket. 

“You don't seem to mind a fight though.” Frank winked as he walked over to the wooden coat rack by the door. His jacket was similar to the one Ray had borrowed to Gerard when he first went to New Day. Just looking at it made a knot form in his stomach. 

“I’m not a fighter...” Gerard sighed. He then turned the door knob, even though he was dreading having to face the storm once more. If he could have it his way, he would go to sleep and never wake up, so he would never have to face anything again. Nothing seemed like it was going to calm down anytime soon either. 

“God, what’s up with you today?” Frank laughed as he came jogging behind him. His feet splashed in the running water as he caught up with Gerard. 

“I’m having a terrible day.” Gerard shrugged. He wasn’t able to look up and meet Frank’s dark eyes, but he felt them on his skin as they walked next to each other. 

“... Does that mean that I’m not allowed to compliment you?” Frank asked. He seemed unbothered, both by Gerard being uncooperative and by the freezing rain hitting their faces as they walked through the empty neighborhood. 

“I’m not sure if it would make me feel better...” Gerard muttered. He doubted if any of the words Frank was saying could ever make him feel better. It was hard to combat the voice in the back of his head, the one that whispered about how meeting up with Frank was only making it worse. Was it the wrong move to contact him, to spend time with him when he knew this would all be for nothing? As soon as he would drop Frank off, he was going to bail. He would get the necessities from the dorm, and then he would be gone. No more Ray or Frank or college. Or locked door and creepy roommate. 

“Because it was impressive until you fell.” Frank giggled. He still wasn't seeing the seriousness of the situation. 

“He pushed me down.” Gerard corrected.

“Still. It looked gnarly from where I was standing.” 

"It doesn't make me feel better. Actually, I think it's making me feel worse." Gerard couldn't help it anymore. 

"Wow, tough crowd-" Frank whistled as he shook his head. He waited for a moment before he continued. "You probably don't want to hear this, but I think he lost a tooth."

“... And soon I'll have to meet him in court over it unless I disappear.” Gerard groaned. 

“That won't happen.”

"Court?" Gerard asked. "- He looked rich enough, that's for sure..." 

"No, the part where you have to go away." Frank’s voice was filled with mischief.

"How?" Gerard felt hopeless as he asked. 

"I'll take care of it... I know people around here." Frank was speaking in code again, but Gerard was feeling too apathetic for it to annoy him.

"And what happens next..?" He asked although he had already made up his mind about leaving. 

"... He won't bother you anymore. But we could still go underground together of course. If you want to." Frank laughed like it was obvious. Hearing his laughter made Gerard feel a bit better, but not much.


	20. Chapter 20

It was barely possible to catch a glimpse of the setting sun through the stormy clouds as she prepared for a hidden sunset. But what wasn't hard to spot on the other hand was Gerard’s old and beaten up Ford Aspire in the crowd of huge trucks and minivans. Looking at it made him feel ashamed that he didn’t take better care of his stuff. Growing up, Gerard had gotten used to having to fix things himself as his family were rarely able to afford replacing them. But his car was a project he had let go of a long time ago. On purpose. And it was a shame, as he had spent all of his savings on it. Buying it had been something he had anticipated for so long that when he finally did it, the only feeling he was left with was a sense of emptiness accompanied by the realization that he didn't know what he was supposed to do next. The car was the only real goal he had set for himself and he had reached it. And when he looked at it, it had made him realize that he never expected to even make it to that point. The car became a constant reminder that he had no idea what he was doing or where he was going. He was able to buy himself the freedom, but he had no idea what to do with it. And he was still surprised by it now, a few years later. He was 19, and after arriving in Vermont- he had for the first time in his life been sure that 20 was next. College was supposed to be the answer, the final answer to his riddle. But now he was no longer sure where he was going. He had ruined what felt like all chances he had going forward. The only chance he had left was to go back home and start over. Or maybe just wait it all out. Then it would be over. All of the turmoil he had gone through was clearly visible in the chipping red paint and the deep crack in the back window.

“What’s taking you so long?” Frank's tease broke Gerard out of his own tangent. Standing there, Frank didn’t seem impatient but Gerard could see through the window that he was holding onto the handle. Frank didn’t show a single sign that he was cold even though the water was flooding down his cheeks and making his black hair stick to his forehead. He was good at hiding his feelings. Much better than what Gerard was. 

“I’m trying...” He murmured as he pulled the key out of the door to try again. The car had a bad habit of fighting back, and it didn't help that the rain had made the lock even more unruly than normal. His fingers ached as he tried to turn the key to unlock it and a wave of relief flushed over him as he felt the familiar pop from the inside of the door. Gerard immediately slipped in so he could get the heat going. The car roared as he turned the key in the ignition.

“... Do you wanna go for a drive?” Gerard asked as Frank slipped into the passenger seat. Deep down he knew that this was only postponing the inevitable. As soon as Frank got out of the car, it would be the last time they ever saw each other. It felt painful and incredibly selfish to ask Frank to come with him like this. But deep down he just wanted to enjoy the last few moments they had together before he had to go. Gerard allowed himself to briefly explore the feelings running haywire in his chest: only to find a bundle of loose ends. He had only met Frank a couple of times, but he knew there was something more. Something bigger. He just didn’t know what. The only thing Gerard knew was that he was growing more and more fond of Frank. But he didn’t need to know that. Especially not now when it was all coming to an end. 

“Where do you want to go?” Frank chuckled as he buckled his seatbelt with anticipation. 

“Anywhere.” Gerard sighed.

"My choice?" Frank asked. Gerard's answer re-lit the mischievous smile he wore so often. 

"Anywhere." Gerard confirmed.

“This is not you running away, is it?” Frank teased, unknowingly hitting the nail on the head. The question didn't help to loosen the knot that was deeply rooted in Gerard's stomach. If anything, it made it worse. 

“What makes you think that..?” Gerard asked flatly as he reversed the car out of the parking lot. He hoped that his tone of voice would derail the conversation.

“You’re stalling.” Frank continued with a grin.

“Am not.” Gerard was lying through his teeth as he shook his head sternly. 

"... And you're sweating."

"I've had a run through all of Johnson today." Gerard excused as he stared out at the road in an attempt to avoid Frank's eyes. He could see them in his reflection.

"And you're taking what was supposed to be a joke way too seriously." Frank grinned. 

"You're extremely talkative." Gerard murmured just loud enough for Frank to hear. 

“I’ve been there too, you know..?” Frank reminded him as he lit a cigarette between his lips, before passing it over to Gerard. He hesitated at first, but in the end- he couldn’t resist but to take it. 

“Yeah, I remember.” Gerard confirmed in another attempt to come off like Frank wasn't right. But the truth was that his mind was racing one million miles per hour. He hadn't thought his plan completely through, much less planned out what he would do if he got caught. He was at a loss for words. 

“I’m not going to stop you.” Frank continued nonchalantly as he lit his own. Gerard could only see the flicker of his lighter in his peripheral, reflecting between the window and Frank's deep eyes.

“It’s not like that.” Gerard sighed, randomly taking to the left at the next green light. There were barely any cars on the road as all the people of Johnson had taken refuge in their homes, waiting for the storm to calm down. The thunder was still bouldering on top of them, hitting the Earth with fits of rage every 5 minutes or so. 

"I'm just trying to tell you that I understand." Frank continued as he tried to catch Gerard's eyes in the reflection. Gerard struggled to avoid him. 

"It's not that deep." Gerard tried to brush him off but silently he agreed that it wasn't working. 

“Sure.“ Frank shook his head in disbelief. He was clearly not convinced and he wasn't trying to hide it either. 

“Frank, I mean it!” Gerard couldn’t help but raise his voice. This was the first new feeling he had felt ever since the memorial other than guilt and despair. He felt the anger sit like a heavy weight on top of his chest as it joined the others in weighing him down. Frank quickly lifted his hands in the air like Gerard was holding him at gunpoint. 

“You’re not very good at hiding things Gee.” He snickered. His cigarette was still between his lips as he spoke, effectively mumbling his words. 

“Or maybe you’re just bad at guessing?” Gerard barked back. It only made Frank laugh even louder, which in turn made Gerard feel even more annoyed. It was infuriating having him act like this. The sudden outburst resulted in none of them saying anything for a while. 

“... Take to the left here!” Frank's seatbelt locked over his chest as he suddenly sat up to point in the wanted direction. Gerard was unsure if he was trying to avoid bringing the topic back up or if Frank had just had an amazing idea. But it was all happening so quickly that his instincts complied without hesitation. Soon they were driving upwards on a steep hill that looked more like a river.

“... Where are we goi-?” Gerard didn’t have time to finish the question before Frank ordered him in another direction. The car struggled its way through the water as they drove further and further upwards through a wooded area and onto a gravel road Gerard had never been on before. At first, he had thought that they were heading for New Day. It made sense in the beginning as he saw the change of scenery, but then he remembered that the wooden church didn’t come with a view. The tall trees perfectly hid the church from the rest of the world, creating its own little safe haven in the small clearing. The window vipers were working overtime as they made it up the last hill. At the top they were greeted by the shrieking wind as it danced around the small car, warning them so they wouldn’t come out to play. Frank leaned back over his seat as he instructed Gerard to reverse into what he described as the perfect parking spot. And as soon as he pulled the key out of the ignition, Frank took off his seatbelt. Gerard braced himself for the wind that would surely grab hold of both of them when Frank opened the door but to his great relief was Frank headed somewhere unexpected. Gerard watched him disappear as he squeezed himself between the front seats and into the back, leaning forward to look for something underneath the seats.

“Is it possible to put them down?” He wondered as he looked into the darkness Gerard presumed to be filled with empty takeout cups and other trash. 

“I’ll do it.” Gerard sighed, not knowing where Frank was going with this but still willing to join him on the adventure. It was a good distraction from his intruding thoughts anyway. Frank moved out of the way as Gerard slipped through the seats to search for the lever. The seat almost fell forwards, barely missing hitting Gerard in the back of his head, and before he could look back up- Frank had crawled his way to the far back. There wasn’t much room in his car but it seemed like Frank had already thought of that. He cracked the hatchback from the inside with no effort, and not once did the car complain on its way up. It apparently made an exception from its unruly behavior for Frank’s chronically cold hands. Gerard braced himself for the incoming storm by closing his eyes, but to his surprise didn’t a single droplet of water touch his face. What he was met with when he opened his eyes was the view of the tiny town he would soon stop calling his home. He had never called it home anyway, but seeing it like this only added to the huge knot in his stomach. 

“You said we could go anywhere.” Frank giggled as he made room for Gerard to sit next to him, before having a deep drag of the still lit cigarette. 

“... Is this your usual spot?” Gerard asked as he took off his wet and heavy jacket before crawling after him. To his great relief was the blanket he had slept under on his drive up to Vermont still in the trunk where he had left it. He tugged on it to get it loose before wrapping it around himself. Sitting huddled together in the back, there were only a few inches keeping their shoulders away from each other. He would offer Frank to join him under it if he wasn't such a pussy. 

“Used to be.” Frank sounded nostalgic as he let his eyes wander to the measly looking skyline. There was nothing impressive about seeing Johnson from this view. The town looked more like a dump than it looked like New York or San Francisco. But it was something charming about seeing the mix of suburban houses, trailers and farms. Far away Gerard could spot their college, sitting comfortably on the hillside surrounded by yellowing trees. He wondered what Andrew and Lea were doing right now. He would never be able to say goodbye to them either. Thinking about it stung a little. 

“Oh right. New Day is the new one, isn't it?” Gerard smirked. The memory of Lance complimenting Frank in the dark room was burned into his mind. Bringing it back up was a last minute effort to get on Frank's nerves: to get revenge for seeing right through his plan.

“You caught me.” Frank laughed as he rubbed his under eye. He didn't seem to take offense. 

“What made you stop bringing people here..?” Gerard asked as he enjoyed the last drag of his own cigarette. Frank was quick to offer him another and he couldn’t refuse. The fresh air made it easier to breathe, and in turn it made it easier for him to think clearly. The guilty feeling hadn’t left him, but the sudden anger finally got a chance to calm down. As he took another drag, he decided to just enjoy the moment instead.

“... Who said I stopped?” Frank chuckled. 

“You did.” Gerard pointed out.

“We always return here.” Frank said thoughtfully, still not taking his eyes off of the city lights that lit up the dark cloud above. It was storming way worse down in the lowlands than it was on the hillside as the strong winds drove it downwards.

“I’ll make sure I’ll do that too, one day.” Gerard bit his lip as he took in the view. Frank had made it clear that he knew of his plan in the car, so he didn’t see the point in hiding it any longer. 

“You are actually serious about running away.” Frank said as he nodded his head slowly. From the tone of his voice, Gerard figured that he understood that the plan was set in stone. He could only nod his head as another wave of shame crashed over him. “- You remind me of me when I was your age.” Frank continued.

“You’re like one year older than me...” Gerard scoffed, and the remark made Frank chuckle softly. 

“Still. When I was 19, I was running too,” He continued as the laughter died down. “- And what I learned is that all places have unfortunate shit going on. Going somewhere else doesn’t fix anything.” 

“But you found something here. You have a band. And a house!” Gerard retorted. Frank went silent for a while as he tried to figure out how he was going to answer.

“You only see it from the outside.” He sighed as he ran his fingers through his wet hair. 

“So do you.” 

“Yeah, but you’re not in deep shit. Not yet anyway.” Frank had another drag of his cigarette as he spoke. 

"I think it's deep enough..." Gerard mumbled. 

"After college you'll be able to do whatever you want with your life. Don't let petty drama ruin that for you."

“So you're stuck?” Gerard asked as he thought of what Frank was saying.

“... What?” Frank seemed surprised by the question.

“You’re making it sound like you’re stuck here.” Gerard continued to push on. But he didn’t dare to meet Frank’s eyes as he felt his gaze grace his skin. 

“And you’re making it sound much worse than what it is.” Frank sighed.

“Is it bad..?”

“Guess the answer will change depending on who you ask.” There were those god forsaken codes Frank loved so much.

“I’m asking you.” 

“Johnson gave me a purpose. It’s not what I dreamed of, but it’s what’s meant for me.” Frank looked away again, giving Gerard time to think about his answer. "- I have no choice but to repay that." 

“Are you not happy that you're here?” Gerard dared to ask after a moment of silence.

“Depends on what you consider to be happiness I guess.” Frank shrugged.

Gerard had never thought of it before, but he was unsure of how he defined it himself. His early life had all been about gratitude but rarely had he ever felt genuine happiness. His smile stemmed from having his basic needs met more than it came from enjoyment. Rarely had he ever gotten to feel normal, and because of that- he had struggled with figuring out who he was supposed to become. All through his school life, he had been written off as a kid with minimal potential because his family couldn’t afford taking him to after school activities or because he fell asleep in class because they couldn’t afford the medical bills that came with his sleepwalking. Finding a passion had been like pulling teeth. Thinking about it, most of the happy memories he had came the time after he was sent to Vermont. All away across the country he had found a brief sense of belonging together with a short lived feeling of peace and happiness. But it was all being taken away from him, and it was all his own fault. 

“I’m unsure if I’ve ever felt it.” Gerard admitted. He was in too deep to not answer honestly. 

“You and me both.” Frank sighed. With a shift in his posture, his shoulder gently grazed against Gerard's. He was so close now. Gerard was sure that Frank was going to pull away, but he stayed.

“You smile a lot for a person who’s unhappy.” Gerard noted. He felt strangely pulled in Frank's direction. He was cold to lean up against. 

“I think you’re the first to ever notice.” 

“... Would you be angry if I left?” Gerard mumbled as he looked back out to the horizon. 

“No. But I would much rather have you stay.” Frank admitted in a whisper only Gerard could hear. “- But it’s your choice. Don’t let me hold you back.” 

“I just don’t know how I can come back from all of this.” Gerard whispered back. He was inches away from leaning his head on Frank's shoulder.

“What about this?” Frank sat up a bit, before leaning forwards so he could look Gerard directly in the eye. The sudden movement almost made Gerard lose his balance, and he had to support himself with his arm so he could meet his gaze. As their eyes met, there was no possible way for Gerard to look away. “- Stay with me for a few days. If you still want to leave after, I’ll let you go.”


	21. Chapter 21

The moon had started the nightshift by the time Gerard made his decision. The boys sat huddled up together in the back of the car, watching their breath turn to condensation before getting mixed up with the smoke from the cigarettes they smoked in an attempt to stay warm. They followed the dark clouds with their eyes as they noisily made their way south accompanied by the wind that was starting to calm down around them. But it was hard to appreciate the view when the two voices that were constantly bickering in the back of Gerard’s mind came up front: trying to weigh the positives against the negatives. His gut feeling told him that saying yes would be a mistake: as staying the night would only make leaving in the morning more unbearable. The night would become borrowed time and by postponing the pain he would make things even worse for himself. His gut feeling told him to rip it off like a bandaid and leave while he still had the chance. Both of the voices had agreed earlier that day after all that the further away he was from Ray- the safer Ray would be. Ray didn’t deserve living in fear because of him. He deserved to live in peace without having the attention he hated pointed in his direction, or having walk on eggshells around the loose canon that Gerard had become. But his heart was fighting too. Deep down, he knew that there were more reasons for why he wanted to stay. He had friends here and a community he enjoyed being a part of. He liked his dorm and his teachers and the life he was starting to make for himself. It was a shame that it all started out so perfectly when it all had to end like this. He hadn’t forgotten about Lance and Adam and the creepy third guy occupying the double room, but thinking about them now when he saw the big picture- they weren’t as frightening as he remembered them to be. Although they still occupied a big part of his mind was love stronger than fear. He longed back to the night at the punk house when he saw Generic Horror Trope for the first time, feeling the rush in his stomach as he became one with the music. He wanted to wake up on a Saturday to the smell of Ray’s cooking, knowing that he would be invited to the table when he finally got out of bed. He could see Andrew and Leah’s bright smiles clearly as they would wait for him in the parking lot before they would head to class together. He would even miss the cold wind that always made its way down his shirt in an effort to make him shiver. Frank was only the cherry on top of what had grown to become the best thing that had ever happened to him, and his whole body ached when he thought about leaving it all behind. Gerard watched the sky as it finally opened up to reveal a sea of stars shining down on them. A last rumble of thunder sealed his fate as he dared to look back up to meet Frank’s dark eyes once more. “One night.” He agreed. 

Nightfall swallowed the car as they drove down the slippery hillside, but it couldn’t hide the mess the storm had left behind. Most of the street lights were left without power, and they had to swerve out of the way of a big tree that now slept comfortably on the road. Johnson looked like a ghost town in the weak headlights of the car. Even the punk house looked like it was sleeping as they drove past it. 

“Thanks again.” Gerard repeated for what must’ve been the fifth time by now. Frank’s house seemed to be the only one that wasn’t affected by the power outage, but not because of a spare power supply or anything fancy. Frank opened the door for him to reveal what looked like a million lit candles. The flickering flames reflected in the hundreds of dusty picture frames, lightning up their smiles as they cast eerie shadows from the antique furniture. Gerard wouldn’t have been surprised if he was told that the house used to be a Victorian horror movie set and it smelled like one too. The prominent scent of iron and incense hit him like a wall as he stood in the entrance. He couldn’t make out if the smell was good or bad, but nevertheless was it intoxicating. Off in the distance he could hear the piano he had heard when he came around for the first time. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Frank was so nonchalant as he stood there taking off his jacket that Gerard almost started to doubt if they were seeing the same thing. And the big impressions didn’t stop coming as he was finally allowed off of the doormat and led into the big house. The floorboards creaked under them as Frank brought Gerard into the lavish looking living room. Someone had shut all of the curtains- making it impossible for outsiders to get a peek in. 

“... Could you remind me how you can afford living here again?” Gerard asked in a mix of tease and curiosity. He had never been to a home this size, like ever. It was probably possible to put his dorm into half of Frank’s downstairs twice. 

“It’s owned by Agnes’ parents. I could have never afford anything like this without her.” Frank shrugged as he slipped into the kitchen. That at least explained the antique looking furniture.

“Do they live here too..?” Gerard asked as he followed him. 

“Oh god no!” Frank roared. Gerard wasn’t sure if he had expected something else, but he still felt grateful that they didn’t. It would’ve been awkward for sure. "They left town years ago. She inherited the place."

“But it’s you and Agnes and…” 

“- and Lance yeah,” Frank finished Gerard's sentence as he opened the dark refrigerator. “Do you want something?” 

“No, I’m fine.” Gerard answered as he ran his hand across the dark marble countertop. He expected to feel a cold and perfectly smooth stone, but what his fingers were met with was a deep layer of dust resting peacefully on top of it. It made him flinch. The rest of the house was in such great shape, so why would they neglect cleaning it? Gerard knew that he wasn’t the tidiest person either, but this depth of dust almost made it seem like no one had used the kitchen in years. It did add to the horror movie feeling though.

“Good, because there's nothing in here.” Frank chuckled as he slammed the fridge door shut before Gerard got the chance to have a look. “- I do have some wine up in my room though, if that interests you.”

Frank never held back when it came to temptations. It was like he had read Gerard’s mind as he led him out of the dark dining area and towards the stairs. But not even the thought of free drinks could distract Gerard from the creeping feeling of uneasiness as they moved further into the dark house. The piano had been left alone, leaving a silence that made the house feeling vast and empty. He wondered where Lance and Agnes were, and if they were home- lurking in the shadows somewhere. Just thinking about them being behind one of the doors in the hallway made shivers run down deep in his spine. Frank didn’t seem to mind though as he leapt up the stairs, similarly to how he did at New Day. Gerard struggled keeping up with him as his feet stung from being cold for so long, and his body finally allowed itself to feel the exhaustion he had exposed it to. There were far less candles as they arrived at the second floor, making it impossible for Gerard to know where he was. Suddenly, out of the darkness, he felt a cold hand grab firmly around his wrist.

“Dude, it’s me.” Frank laughed loudly as he felt Gerard flinch underneath his fingers. Gerard tried to laugh too, but he wasn’t able to stop entertaining the thought that Lance was waiting for them somewhere in the corridor. Being in the pitch black again sent him straight back to New Day and the feeling of being observed by a bird of prey. But he guessed he deserved it. Though he still hadn’t gotten over the feeling Lance had made him feel, it was nothing compared to what Ray had dealt with all of that year and a half. Gerard knew deep down that he deserved to feel uncomfortable. This was all part of his punishment.

“Sorry...” He mumbled as he felt Frank gently pull him in his direction.

“I didn’t know that you were scared of the dark.” Frank snickered as he moved further and further down what Gerard now knew to be a hallway. Luckily, Frank didn’t seem to notice how he was feeling.

“I wonder why…” Gerard mumbled underneath his breath. But as quick as the last word left him, he felt a sharp pull to his wrist around a corner that he was unsure if was an actual corner or a doorway. He got it confirmed as the door shut loudly behind them, accompanied by a sharp drop in temperature. No candles had been lit inside of Frank’s room, leaving it almost as cold as it was outside. 

“... Catch!” A small piece of plastic hit Gerard in the right shoulder with a soft thump. 

“Very funny.” He grinned as he leaned down to pick it up. He had suspected that it was the green lighter Frank always carried around with him and he was right. 

“I forget that people can’t see in the dark.” Frank laughed from across the room. The sharp flick of the lighter faintly lit up the room to reveal Frank’s version of interior design. His room looked more like how Ray had furnished their apartment than how Agnes preferred it to be, with large posters covering the walls and piles of messy clothes on the floor. Frank’s bed was far from made and ripped magazines covered with cigarette ash made crunching noises beneath their feet as when they walked. The banner for Generic Horror Trope got the premier spot behind the bed, brightening up the room with accents of blue, yellow and pink. There wasn't a single surface that wasn’t decorated with an empty bottle of some kind and the closet stood wide open to reveal a sea of black clothes. Looking around, the only thing Gerard couldn't spot was the white guitar Frank used at the concert. But what could he know? For all he knew, Frank had borrowed it. 

“Is that your superpower..?” Gerard asked as he made his way over to the messy dresser to light the singular candle standing on top of it. It had never been lit before. 

“Ate a lot of carrots as a kid I guess.” Frank laughed. Gerard watched him as he browsed through a shelf filled to the brim with vinyls. He hadn’t seen one of those outside of a thrift store in years. 

“And what would your costume be?” Gerard couldn’t help but grin as he tried to imagine Frank as a superhero.

“... You know the playboy bunnies right?” Frank asked and he didn’t need to say more. The laughter filled the room as they both struggled to breathe and their eyes filled with water. It lifted some of the heavy feeling off of Gerard’s shoulders as he allowed himself to feel a brief moment of joy, but the knot in his stomach wasn’t even close to being untied. The guilty conscience still loomed just out of sight, waiting for him. At sunset, he would have to come with it. But for now, he decided not to think too much about it as the laughter settled.  
The Smiths soon filled the room with sweet sounds as Gerard pulled his legs up to his chin. Frank had given him the spot on the bed while he chose a spot on the floor next to the record player. Gerard watched him as he tried to get the bottle of wine open. It released a satisfying pop as the cork finally loosened and Frank took a quick swig of it before he sent it over. It had a rich taste to it, like a mix of bitter cherries and vanilla. Gerard had never been much of a wine guy, but it was mostly because beer were cheaper and easier to get. He didn’t miss having to hang out outside of gas stations when it was his turn to bring drinks. The candle had been moved from the drawer and was now sitting on the floor between them, lightning their faces from underneath and turning them into ghostly silhouettes. The flame reflected brightly in Frank’s dark eyes, revealing their hidden caramel color. 

“So how are you feeling?” Frank asked as he handed the bottle over.

“A little better...” Gerard admitted after having a mouthful. The wine was starting to warm up his body, letting the blood rush back into his fingers. 

“Good. I was worried there for a second.” Frank smirked before he patted the clothes on the floor in the search for something. 

“... About what?”

“That you were like actually leaving.” Frank answered nonchalantly as he found a half empty pack of cigarettes. Gerard had never been that lucky. 

“I’m still considering it...” He sighed. 

“Oh shut up.” Frank shrugged him off. 

“I am!” Gerard insisted. 

“And I’m here to make you reconsider.” Frank laughed as put the cigarette between his lips. 

“You really thought that giving me wine and putting on some music would make me change my mind?” Gerard allowed himself to challenge him. Frank always had the upper hand on him, but right now- he was the one controlling the situation. It felt good in a weird way. 

“... You don’t like The Smiths?” Frank asked.

“The Smiths are fine.” 

“But you hate the wine..?” Frank's head was slightly tilted to the side as he looked up at him.

“No, it’s good...”

“Then what’s not working?” Frank smiled mischievously. 

“I mean that it’s not enough to change my mind.” Gerard scratched his neck as he shook his head. It made Frank stand up suddenly, moving from the floor to the spot on the bed next to him. Gerard didn't have the chance to pull away as he felt Frank bump gently against his shoulder. His face was close enough that if he turned his head, their noses would rub together.

“What would make you reconsider then..?” Frank whispered just loud enough for “These Things Take Time” not to swallow his words.


	22. Chapter 22

Gerard had thought that what happened in the dark room in New Day was something that would only happen once in a lifetime. But here he was again, feeling the weight of Frank’s cold body pressing up against his own. And even though the memory of the dark room was defined by a feeling of fright and disorientation, was there something within him that couldn’t help but to long back to the feeling of Frank’s breath tickling against his neck. Just thinking about how he could feel Frank’s lips just an inch away from gracing his skin made his heart skip a beat. He struggled to understand why he wanted to relive it so much, but that didn’t stop his mind from rushing back to the memory every time he got a second to himself. He wanted to know what the strong hands that pulled him around in the darkness felt like on other parts of his body. He dreamt of their body heat mixing: of the feeling of Frank’s cold against his warmth. His body craved the knowledge of what Frank tasted like- wondering if he would taste of the euphoria he exuded on stage or the cigarettes reigned supreme. But as he lived through the memory all the way to the end and he opened his eyes again, he swore to part with the feeling for good. For most of his life, he had seriously doubted if he would ever be able to feel the closeness he now found himself lusting for. Looking in the mirror he saw a man that was condemned to be alone, a freak of nature, destined to a life of solitude. He had never seen himself as someone who deserved to be touched. And just the thought of being loved was such a distant dream that it seemed unrealistic that it would ever happen to him. But somehow he found himself here again: feeling Frank’s body on top of his own as he moved closer. It felt better this time though, as Frank slowly moved him in the direction of the mattress rather than up against the wall. Gerard’s skin stung as Frank touched his chin, gently turning his face with his hand to face in his direction. The intoxicating smell of smoke and cherries mixed with his familiar scent of old books and wine. The faint candlelight barely lit up his face as it danced just out of sight. Gerard barely dared to breathe as he felt Frank’s fingers move upwards, his thumb gracing gently against his bottom lip. It was impossible for him to take his eyes off of him.

“You just need to say it...” Frank leaned down to whisper in his ear. Hearing his voice this close made a welcomed shiver run down his back. Gerard could feel the gentle stubble of Frank’s cheek as he moved further down towards his neck. 

“Say what?” Gerard whimpered back. He didn’t know what to do other than to lay perfectly still. 

“Tell me how I can persuade y-” 

There was a loud knock at the door that popped the moment like a bubble. Without it, Gerard would’ve been convinced that they were the only two people left in the universe. Just a second ago there had been just him and Frank, two souls that would soon merge into one. It felt like they had stopped time and that the interruption had turned it back on. The sharp knock rudely awoke them, dragging them back to reality. It was loud enough to make them fly away from each other like they were teenagers experimenting while their parents were downstairs. He didn’t know that he needed it, but the sound gave Gerard an opportunity to gasp for air while Frank jumped out of the bed to see who was waiting outside. He barely avoided knocking the candle over, but the record player wasn’t as lucky. A quick shove of his foot made the needle jump out of place, shutting Morrissey up mid-sentence. The only sound left in the room was Frank’s silent footsteps as he jumped through the maze of magazines that never tried to sabotage him on his way to the door. The knocking persisted. Blocking the doorway he let the door swing open just enough to reveal himself. 

“What?” He asked in a rather unfriendly tone.

“I know what you did.” Gerard had a taste of Agnes’ temper earlier that day, but it still took him by surprise when she aimed the same anger in Frank’s direction. He was used to her fairly-like persona, either swirling across the stage or in a crowd of people listening to what she had to say. Normally she was soft spoken and warm but that apparently changed when she thought no one was listening. Gerard felt the knot in his chest tighten again as he sat up, desperately trying to make himself small. She unknowingly made him feel unwelcome and deep down he knew that she was right. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He was supposed to be alone in his car halfway across the state, not beneath the guy he now understood that he wanted so badly. He had let down his guard and let desire take over him, and now he felt weak. 

“... Did what?” Frank’s tone of voice was so convincing that it made Gerard unsure if he was playing dumb or if he genuinely didn’t know what Agnes was talking about. 

“He’s here, is he not?” Her voice briefly knocked the air out of his lungs, making Gerard tighten the grip around his legs as he pulled them up towards himself. 

“Who..?”

“You are mistaking me for a fool.” Agnes was speaking through gritted teeth as fury coated her every word. 

“I don’t get it.” Gerard could hear Frank’s grin from miles away but Agnes’ eye roll was even louder. 

“Lance told me everything.” Her voice was below freezing. Gerard was unsure if it was the tone of her voice or the subject matter that did it to him, but his palms were breaking out in a cold sweat. He didn’t want to be reminded of the third resident. “- I thought you had learned.” 

“You’re such a bitch, Lance!” Frank didn’t scream at Agnes but rather down the empty hallway. His voice flung between the walls, bouncing all the way down the stairs. 

“Lance follows the rules. You only know how to make a mess.” She seemed dignified in the way she spoke. 

“... Like that’s not what you wanted.” Frank was laughing but now it seemed forced. It was clear that Agnes didn’t find it funny. 

“You knew what you signed up for.” Agnes’ voice was lower now, sounding more like a snake hissing than a human speaking words. It was chilling to the point of scary, and yet Gerard felt himself being drawn in her direction. She did this when she spoke in her friendly voice too. He had noticed it at the dorm party, that she had an unique ability to pull a whole room in her direction, making them forget about what they were talking about in favor of listening to her. Something sadistic within him wanted to hear what she had to say, but his gut fought against him. He wasn’t going to reveal himself. 

“I would like to see the contract.” Frank was still trying to egg her on. 

“For your own good, I hope this is not like last time..!”

“It’s not.” Frank smirked as he tried to close the door but she blocked it with her foot. It made a loud noise, but Agnes didn’t seem to succumb to the pain.

“Good.” She said. “And by the way, the lights are back on.” 

And like that was she gone, disappearing down the hallway. The only thing Frank could do was to reach for the lightswitch, rendering the candle useless. 

“She sounded angry.” Gerard waited until he couldn’t hear a single sound coming from the house before he dared to speak.

“She sounded like my mother.” Frank reminded him of a teenager when he corrected him.

“Am I not supposed to be here..?”

“She’s just jealous. I’ve never seen her bring anybody around.” Frank lunged himself back on the bed with enough force for Gerard to lose the grip around his legs and with it: his balance. His back met the mattress and his head barely missed the wall. Frank slowly climbed over him, supporting his weight with his arms. “- So… Where were we?” 

“... You don’t have to do all of this you know?” Gerard whispered when Frank was low enough to hear him. Even though he wanted nothing more than for Frank to come closer, it didn’t feel right. He didn’t deserve this. Waiting for Agnes to leave had only solidified it more. The desire he felt inside of his chest made the rest of his feelings go haywire. It tried to fight the anger and the shame that had permanently moved into his heart- not respecting their decision to hurt. The knocking had given him a second chance to think it all through. The decision was not something he wanted, but it was one he deserved. Frank was being too good to him, and he couldn’t have that. Not when he had made so many mistakes. If the world wasn’t going to punish him, he would do it himself. 

“... Do what?” Frank seemed a bit confused as he looked down at him. He looked like he had never been rejected before. 

“All of this. Trying to make me feel better...” Gerard sighed as he tried to avoid Frank’s dark eyes. The bright light from the ceiling lamp made it impossible for him to hide.

“... But what if I want to?” 

“I just don’t feel like I deserve it right now.” 

“I disagree. If anything, it could be a good distraction!” Frank dared to put on a smile, but it washed off his face as soon as he realized that Gerard wasn’t going to reciprocate. 

“I’m unsure if I’m allowed to be distracted right now...” Gerard sighed.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to do something Gee.” 

“... What?” The answer surprised him.

“I’m not here to push you into something you’ll regret.” Frank pulled away, taking Gerard’s breath with him. He stayed on his back as he watched him sit up, following his dark gaze that fled out of the big window. 

“You’re not...” Gerard assured him as he pulled himself up after him, supporting his weight on his elbows. The knot was tightening in his gut as he was bombarded by thousands of thoughts. There was nothing he wanted more than to grab a hold of Frank and pull him close, but his body fought against him. 

“- I would just like for it to be a happy memory rather than a sad one...” It was the truth. 

Frank thought of it for a while, looking out at the empty neighborhood. The streetlights were back on, lighting up the fog that was settling after the storm. Gerard could almost hear Frank’s brain working as he tried to plan out what his next move was going to be. The evening clearly hadn’t taken the direction he had planned, and Gerard couldn’t blame him. He wished he could give Frank what he wanted, but the timing was all wrong. Staring towards the door, he subconsciously started to plan his escape route. He could drive off to a parking lot and sleep there for the night so he could sober up before the long drive tomorrow. He could just excuse himself, and instead of going to the bathroom- he could run for the front door. He could probably make it before Frank would even notice that he was gone. Gerard was deep in his own thoughts when he felt the familiar feeling of Frank’s eyes on his skin, observing him. Expecting to be thrown out, Gerard slowly moved his head to look back at him. But then, to his surprise, was a smile started to form on Frank’s lips. Not the mischievous one he always sported, but one filled with sincerity. 

“We can sit and talk if you want to?” A car drove past the house, lighting up Frank’s eyes to reveal the deep caramel color once more. 

“I’d like that.” Gerard nodded. And even though the hurt didn’t want them to, did Frank’s words loosen the knot in his stomach quite a bit. It got easier to breathe as it started to untangle. 

“Here,” Frank reached out to hand Gerard the half empty wine bottle. “... Or not, if you don’t want to.” 

But Gerard welcomed it by taking a big mouthful, letting the wine run down his throat. At least he got to taste Frank’s lips through the bottle. 


	23. Chapter 23

The hours flew by and soon they welcomed the early sunrise to tickle their faces through the window. But the warmth against their faces only lasted a short moment before it was shut out by Frank who grumpily pulled on the curtains to make the night last longer. Over an empty bottle of wine and countless cigarettes they had talked their way through the last month. Slowly Gerard felt himself letting Frank start to take off the heavy burden that rested on his shoulders, trusting him enough to let him in. He could still hear the alluring thought of escape lingering in the far back of his mind, but it was getting weaker and weaker. He had been so dead set in his tracks earlier that day that he had convinced himself that there was no other way out. Neither his brain or his gut had been open to suggestions, insisting that he would be saving them all if he just left. But Frank made him see the world differently. He wasn’t ready to part with the thoughts just yet but sitting opposite Frank with all the time the world to vent, he at least felt like existing was a little bit more tolerable. Frank made him feel like it wasn’t all his fault after all, though he disagreed. It felt like Frank was slowly trying to pull him out of the deep water he found himself drowning in, saving him from reaching the point of no return. And slowly but surely it was working. Even though Frank had shut the streams of sunlight out, did they still manage to bring him a slight feeling of hope. He was still here. And it was okay. He was allowed to be here. Maybe he could stay after all..?  
The only story that stood between Gerard and the feeling of weightlessness was his roommate situation. There was no way in hell that was going to tell anybody about the noises and dreams and the shadow that seemed to pop up when he least expected it. Not even Ray could confirm that he had seen the silhouette and at this point, he had convinced himself that it was his imagination playing tricks on him. The footprints in the bed must’ve been him, made in a mix of forgetfulness and hurry. There was no other explanation. It was the same for the note. He probably wrote it to himself while sleeping. It wouldn't have been the weirdest thing he had done while sleepwalking. The only thing keeping Gerard from believing in his own lies was the thought of the silhouette slowly waving up at him from the street before it became one with the fog. It still gave him the creeps just thinking about it. But when he looked at Frank, he would much rather be taken seriously than for him to think he was some kind of lunatic that saw ghosts when no one was around. Frank had stayed mostly silent as he concentrated on listening. He would nod at the appropriate times, and sometimes he would ask a question to keep the conversation going before he scratched the back of his neck. His eyes were working fast, seeming like they were trying to piece the puzzle together. Gerard was not about to ruin that with his crazy ghost stories. 

“... I’m just trying to say that you’ve got a solid motive for why you had to punch that guy in the face.” Frank chuckled as Gerard finished the last few drops of wine in an attempt to clear his throat. It had gotten parched from the monologue that felt like it had lasted for hours. 

“Everything is a joke to you, isn’t it?” Gerard jabbed back. He still felt a bit defensive, even though the wine had done a great job numbing his feelings. 

“You’re saying it like it’s a bad thing.” 

“It’s not.” Gerard smiled. He greatly appreciated Frank’s ability to find light in the darkest of places even though it was infuriating at times. Frank wasn’t scared to ask silly questions and he wouldn’t hold back when it came to what he felt was right or wrong. Gerard admired him for that.

“I’m just saying… You got a good alibi. ” Frank leaned back on the bed as he stared thoughtfully up at the ceiling, looking past the posters he had stuck up there at something Gerard couldn’t see. All he saw was Bad Religion and The Misfits, and they didn’t seem like they wanted to give him any answers. 

“... I’m sure his money would speak so much louder than any of my words.” Gerard shook him off. From Adam’s outfit alone, he could basically piece together his whole life story. It wasn’t hard to see who would be able to afford the best lawyer and who would lose on default. Just thinking about the possible court expenses sent phantom pains down into his left leg, hitting the spot where his wallet usually rested against his thigh. 

“I still want to pull that guy’s guts out though,” Frank sneered, still not looking back at Gerard. “- Make him taste his own medicine...” 

“Woah there..!” Gerard laughed as he tried to stop him by putting his hands in the air. He didn't like to admit it but the grotesque imagery intrigued him. He had never actively sought out revenge in fear of it backfiring, but fantasizing about it had never hurt anybody. As long as it stayed in his head, it would be fine. 

“He deserves it.” Frank continued as he shook his head.

“I think I’ve done enough damage for a lifetime.” Gerard put the blame back on himself as he looked down at his hands. He studied them as they turned into fists, watching his knuckles go from pink to white. They looked different to him now that he knew that they had the power to cause someone harm. Gerard had never punched anybody before, at least not on purpose. 

“He made you look like hell though...” Frank was right. The bruising from the chokehold hadn’t started to fade yet as it sat brightly on Gerard’s neck, decorating it like a yellow and purple necklace. He flinched as Frank reached out to get a closer look but he quickly relaxed beneath his cold touch. He held his breath as Frank gently turned his chin from side to side, inspecting the damage. 

“... Is it that bad?” He winced. 

“Yeah,” Frank leaned in to inspect them closely. “- Unless you’re into that sort of thing...” 

“Not particularly.” Gerard admitted. “Not from a stranger anyway...” 

Frank wasn’t there when Gerard woke up that morning. Or, he supposed it must’ve been in the afternoon as he heard the bustling sound of cars and the voices of children walking home from school passing by the window. Frank’s room seemed a lot bigger without him in it but looking at it from his bed, Gerard had no problem picturing him. There wasn’t a spot in the room where Frank hadn’t put his own personal touch; from the calculated mess on the floor to the way he had vandalized close to all of the posters covering the dark blue wallpaper. But without Frank around- it felt like the centerpiece was missing. Thin streams of light fled the curtains to paint the walls in warm light, revealing that the sun had come to stay. The fresh covers gently caressed his skin as Gerard pulled them off, immediately exposing himself to cold air that laid low in the room. The wooden floor felt like it was coated in a thin layer of ice as he hesitantly stepped down on it, frantically searching for his clothes. The boys had reached an ultimatum after Frank had fought and pleaded and begged for him to sleep shirtless. And Gerard felt himself lose as he reluctantly turned around to avoid Frank’s eager gaze while pulling the hoodie over his head, making sure that his t-shirt didn’t come with it. If it wasn't for the wine, he would never have dared. Frank on the other hand had no shame as he climbed into the cramped bed after him. The covers had made a courageous attempt in saving him from the looming hypothermia as he felt Frank lay down next to him. He felt more like an icicle than a human being. But now that he was alone again and Gerard only had his thrifted Pearl Jam shirt and his underwear to keep him from freezing to death. 

It didn’t surprise Gerard that Frank kept all of his clothes on the floor, but it didn’t make his search for his own any easier. Finding his pants was easy enough as they were far longer than the ones Frank wore but the worn out hoodie was nowhere to be found. Rummaging through, the only clothes he could find was black shirts and clothes he would've never expected Frank to own. They reminded Gerard that they still didn’t know each other on a day to day basis, but sitting on the floor holding a tacky tourist t-shirt from Florida: he struggled with imagining Frank owing most of these clothes. And as he moved over to the dresser, he quickly learned that Frank kept a plethora of trinkets that didn't look like they belonged to him. On all surfaces of his room laid broken jewelry, stacks of old photographs and too many sunglasses for one guy to ever need in his lifetime. There were an abundance of fake ID’s, written and then torn up notes in neat handwriting and broken CD’s containing music Gerard wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. Frank didn’t even own a CD-player. On the desk stood a semi-covered mirror, obscured by the t-shirt hanging over it. Pulling it off revealed a deep cavity in the shape of a fist in the right corner, that in turn had made the mirror into a shitty looking kaleidoscope. Remnants of glass laid sparkled around on the desk but there were no signs of blood. Gerard caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he studied it, hating that he had to be confronted with himself for the first time in a while. He looked like a wet dog. The rainwater had only made his black hair even more unruly as it stuck to his forehead. His fingers were met with a nest of tangles as he tried combing his fingers through it, only making the situation worse. The only good thing about seeing himself again was the glimpse he got of the bruises. They still ached every time he moved his neck, but they too were different now. He almost never wanted them to fade as the big one on the right reminded him of Frank, and the first time he had been kissed in his life. 

“Look at who’s awake!” The sound of Frank’s voice made Gerard flinch hard enough to slam his fist down into the desk. It sent the closest trinkets, shards of glass and pictures flying, hurting his hand in the process. He hadn’t seen Frank come up behind him as he looked at himself in the mirror. There had been no sound of the door opening or closing either. For a split second he was sure that it had been Lance that he heard. Luckily, it was only his mind imagining the worst case scenario. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Gerard stumbled on his words as grabbed a hold of his hand with his other in a desperate attempt to numb the pain. He had barely missed a particularly sharp piece of glass. He saw the photos flying and he quickly got down on the floor to clean up the mess he had made. What looked like hundreds of joyous faces smiled up at him from the instant camera pictures. At first they seemed perfectly normal. Most of them were from concerts and parties, smiling up at him from their frozen moments in time. He didn’t recognize any of the people in them, but he had only been in Vermont for a bit over a month after all. Some of them had names written on the back of them, but most of them only had the little yellow date in the corner. The oldest one was from 1999. Frank seemed to find the whole thing hilarious.

“That’s what you get for snooping around.” He laughed as he got down on his knees to help him. 

“I’m sorry…” Gerard repeated, feeling like a dog with its tail between its legs. 

“I’m just teasing,” Frank smiled. Not before now had Gerard noticed that he was fresh out of the shower and dripping wet. That at least explained where he had been. The droplets coated the pictures as he stacked them in a neat little pile. “- We’ll get your picture in there soon enough.” 

What surprised Gerard as he put the pictures back in his own little pile was the lack of pictures of Lance and Anges. Though Frank didn’t seem like he was their biggest fan, it could’ve at least be expected that they had some pictures together as a band. But maybe they were downstairs, dusting away in a frame somewhere. Thinking about them, Gerard almost didn’t notice how when browsed through the stack- they started getting stranger and stranger. There were pictures of people sleeping in weird positions and closeups of blue tinted fingers and eyes. It was the strangest photo project Gerard had ever seen. 

“You got a lot of friends.” He said, hoping that he would get an explanation. But Frank didn't seem like he thought that those pictures were any different from the "normal" ones. 

“Yeah… Most of them are from Jersey though.” That explained why Gerard hadn't seen most of the people before. He was about to answer when a strangely familiar face smiled up at him. He had only seen one other picture of Mikey Walters before- the one with the slight smile on the missing poster. But here he was, looking like he was mid scream while the flash reflected in his thin glasses. Mikey seemed so happy in the photo, like he was living his life to the fullest. It was dated 20/09/2002.


	24. Chapter 24

“What have you got there?” 

Gerard snapped back to reality as Frank burst the bubble he had accidentally created around himself. He had gotten lost in the colored picture of the guy he had only ever seen in black and white, and now he had no idea how long he had been staring down at him for. Hopefully it wasn’t for too long. Gerard had gotten so used to seeing the missing poster that he had almost forgotten that Mikey had been an actual person. He was more than black and white ink on white printer paper, handed out like a chore to a city that gave up on him long ago. In Gerard’s mind was Mikey only a concept; an abstract idea people liked to talk about and one Ray continued to mourn. But seeing him like this, frozen in time together with a crowd of people who by all odds were still alive reminded him that he too was real. Mikey was a blonde 20-something who once had his whole life in front of him before it was ripped away in one way or another. Gerard felt himself hope that Mikey got to choose his fate, rather than having it taken away. Most of the people in town had pronounced him dead long ago. Gerard had done the same by default. But now that he got to see him in another perspective, he hoped differently. And as Frank ripped him out of his train of thought, he could feel warm blood rush to his face: racing to embarrass him. He tried to hide by shaking his head. 

“...Nothing” He fumbled, feeling his hands frantically search for another photo to cover it up. 

“You fucking suck at lying.” Frank chuckled as he playfully lunged himself forwards to take the photo out of Gerard’s hand. He was much faster than what Gerard had expected and he barely made it out of the way before Frank could pin him down. He crawled to the left only to be hunted for, feeling his pulse rise as Frank prowled towards him once more. His wet skin touched his own as he overthrew him, making goosebumps form all over his arms and legs. Frank was close to sitting on his lap as he laughed victoriously, waving the picture just out of Gerard's reach. But it all ended abruptly when Frank spotted who was smiling back at him from the picture he stole. “...Oh.” 

Gerard could only watch as Frank's playful smile washed away. Frank's complexion was pale to begin with, but seeing the photo took what was left of color out of his face. He slowly pulled away as he looked at it, leaving Gerard cold and wet halfway leaning against the dresser. All of the lightheartedness he had brought with him had left the room and all that remained was a heavy silence hanging over them. Gerard felt himself regret trying to clean up the mess he had made, as he again had made a bigger one in the process. He didn't dare to move an inch as he waited for Frank to say something but the words never came. 

“... You never mentioned him.” Gerard mumbled when he couldn’t bear the silence anymore. They had talked about Mikey earlier that night, not in any extensive detail, but he had been mentioned multiple times. Gerard had told Frank about how he was close to filling Mikey’s spot in the dorm, but that he had been lucky enough to be assigned the single instead. They had spoken in detail about Ray’s connection to him and about how he cried when Gerard first found out about it. But that was apparently not enough, as Frank chose to not even mention that he had met him. Just trying to think about them hanging out felt weird. But even weirder was the realization that Mikey functioned as the knot that tied the lives of all the people he knew together. Deep down, it saddened him that he was the only one who never got to meet him. 

“No…” Frank took a deep breath before he answered. “- I guess I didn’t.”

“Did you know him?”

“I don’t think so... Not really anyway.” Frank sighed as he studied the photo. It looked like his mind was racing as his eyes soaked up every detail. Gerard recognized that Frank's eyes usually did that when he was piecing two and two together. That must've been why he looked like that when he told him about his dorm for the first time. 

“No?” Gerard asked.

“He didn’t stick around. But you probably knew that.” He shrugged as he gave the picture back so Gerard could have a closer look at it. Frank then started searching for another one, flipping the photos on the floor until he found the one he was looking for. Mikey was smiling in that one too, but he looked too busy with the conversation he was having to look at the camera. 

“Yeah, so I heard.” Gerard mumbled as Mikey smiled up at him from the photo in his hands. 

“He was a nice kid though. He came to a few of our shows, that’s why I got pictures of him.” 

“Oh… I don’t think anybody has ever told me anything about him except that he’s missing.” Gerard admitted. It felt strange trying to imagine what it would be like to introduce himself to him. If he wasn’t gone, they would’ve met when he moved into their apartment. Thinking about it made his brain hurt. 

“They love the drama around here, that’s for sure.” Frank sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“Seems like everybody is invested in finding him at least.” Gerard rubbed his under eye as he tried turning the conversation back into something positive. He had never seen Frank so muted as he was now. 

“So they say, but I’ve never seen them act upon it.” Frank looked away, staring up at the curtains that were still pulled shut. 

“You don’t think he’ll ever be found?” Gerard asked.

“We can all agree that he’s gone for good.” Frank shook his head as he sloppily started collecting more of the photos on the ground. He didn’t seem to care if they were face up or not. 

“... Do you know why he left?” Gerard felt himself dare to ask the question, but only because Frank hadn’t told him anything last night. He had been an open book for Frank to read, and though he owed him nothing- it didn’t hurt to try. He was in too deep anyway, so it almost felt like he had nothing to lose. 

“He just kinda wanted out. I couldn’t blame him.” Frank took his eyes off the pictures to look directly at him. Gerard had expected to receive one of those looks that could kill, the sharp ones that shouted at you for crossing the line. He held his breath for a second but the way Frank looked at him told him that he didn’t mind the question. 

“... But you got to talk to him about it?” 

“We hung out a few times. He was a lot more dedicated to leaving than what you were, that’s for sure,” Frank grinned as he stretched out to playfully ruffle Gerard’s hair, only to get his fingers tangled in it. It hurt when he pulled them out, making Gerard release a soft whimper in the process. “- Sorry.”

“It’s alright…” Gerard mumbled as he once again tried to cover up that he was blushing. “- Is he one of the guys you’ve brought up to your spot?” 

Gerard asked the question in a weird attempt to lighten the mood. Frank was in the middle of reaching over to give him the second photo, only to be stopped in his movement. It was hard to see but it looked like he was doing his version of turning red, but it was more of a peachy pink. 

“You mean that asexual lookout spot where I beg guys not to leave me?” Frank chuckled as he withheld the photo from him for a bit. “- Yeah. Sure.”

“It’s a good spot.” Gerard smiled as he switched out the first picture for the second. It felt good that the mood had lightened, but he still felt weird that Frank hadn’t told him any of this earlier. The knowledge that he had subconsciously followed in Mikey’s footsteps, wanting the same thing as he had- made a shiver run down his back. It must have been even weirder for Frank to watch his own life in reprise as he brought him to that spot with the exact same purpose. It made Gerard wonder if anything more had happened between them, but that was a question he never dared to ask. If it was weird to imagine Mikey being alive, it felt one hundred times weirder to imagine Frank trying his chances with him. Trying to think of something else, he found comfort in his own decision. It was almost like he got to give Frank a chance to rewind time when he made the choice to stay. That was where the path he had walked next to Mikey met a crossroad. He respected Mikey’s choice to leave, even though he didn’t know his reason. But he was happy that he got to do the opposite, knowing how Mikey’s choice had turned the whole town upside down. Now, he could only hope that Frank was right in the way he spoke of him. He had never alluded to Mikey being dead and Gerard made a choice to believe that too. It was the least he could do. 

“You’re too nice for your own good Gee.” Frank brought Gerard out of his thoughts again, but this time he was kinda thankful. They were giving him a headache. 

“I’m sorry...” Gerard felt the blood rush back into his face as he looked away. This time it was impossible to make it stop. 

“I’m not saying that you need to change. I think you would’ve liked Mikey a lot if you got to meet him.”

“You think so?” 

“Yeah. You remind me of him sometimes...” 

“I’m sorry you couldn’t make him stay.” Gerard tried to smile as he put the pictures down. 

“I am too.” Frank nodded. “- But you’re here at least.” 

Gerard ended up spending the rest of the day at Frank’s house, but not before they had been another argument about his roommates. Just thinking about having to interact with Agnes again made him cringe. And he didn’t even dare to think about what he would do if Lance showed up. But soon Frank managed to calm him down, promising that they could stay in his room and that none of them would dare to come in. The record player made the sound of Sonic Youth fling itself between the walls, filling the room with great music. It was a lovely way to spend the afternoon, even though Gerard knew that the time was running out. Soon he would have to face the consequences he had brought on to himself, and this time, there was no way for him to run away. The dread was building up in his stomach as he saw Ray clearly in front of him, clearly seeing the mix of rage and disappointment in his eyes as he stormed off. He would have to apologize and there was nothing he wanted more but to do just that, but he was scared of facing rejection. His heart had ached every time Ray had ignored him on their way home, and when he slammed the door that final time- Gerard had felt what he imagined to be heartbreak. Just thinking about it made him unsure if he would be able to face that again, but deep down he knew he had to. And if Ray really hated him as much as he imagined that he would, he could always move. Andrew and Leah always nagged him about moving to the school dorms anyway, so maybe that could be his backup plan? It felt good having something to fall back on, just in case.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay another night?” Frank asked as he followed him down to the hallway. The heavy scent of iron and incense hung in the air like a mist they could walk through, even though they had been the only people in the house that day. No lights were lit, leaving the streetlights in charge of illuminating the rooms. They were barely able to make thin strips of lights through the closed curtains. In a last effort to make him stay, Frank took Gerard's hand in his. It felt like touching an icicle that could get stuck to his skin at any moment. 

“Dude, you’ve done enough already.” Gerard smiled shyly as he pulled his hand out of Frank's cold grip so he could start lacing up his shoes. Frank had borrowed him a hoodie so he wouldn’t freeze on his way out. It smelled like him. 

“Do you promise that you won’t run away?” Frank teased as he leaned up against the doorframe leading into the living room. Gerard couldn’t have done that even if he wanted to. He was not about to be the second guy who slipped between Frank’s fingers, leaving him without an explanation. He deserved better. 

“Promise,” He smiled. “- I’ll see you around?” 

“When you least expect it.” Frank smiled mischievously before he closed the door and left Gerard alone outside on the front porch.


	25. Chapter 25

Gerard felt his palms coat the steering wheel with a thin layer of sweat as he pulled out of the driveway and started on what he hoped would be a long journey home. He sat in silence, feeling like he didn’t deserve to listen to the mixtape that practically lived in his car stereo. The car had no problem making its own soundtrack as it fought against him, acting up again now that Frank wasn’t sitting next to him. Johnson was too small for him to spend much time in the car, which was great for his wallet but horrible when he wanted some time to think. He ended up missing his turn twice so he had to turn around and try again, only to purposely miss once more. But on his fourth lap through the town, he realized that it had to come to an end. He could sit there in the deafening silence for as long as he wanted, but it still didn’t change the fact that he would have to face up his consequences sooner or later. It didn’t matter if he waited for the night to turn back to day or for the day to turn into a week: Ray still waited for him and one day he had to show up. Sighing loudly at his own incompetence, Gerard parked the car at the spot furthest away from the dorm. The streets were empty as he started walking towards the building he once had been so excited about moving into. Looking at it grow in the distance, he understood why Ray had told him to look forward to Halloween. The building looked more like a haunted house than a college dorm, and it kinda acted like one too- since it allowed a ghost to rent a room in their apartment. The thought made Gerard smile a little, but not enough to make him feel better. All the windows belonging to their dorm were dark, and the green curtains hiding the double room were pulled shut like always. Not wanting to go in, Gerard sat down on the porch to light a cigarette in an effort to make time slow down. The ones he smoked were a lot cheaper than the ones Frank had and they made this throat sting. He sat for as long as he could handle before the creeping cold caught up with him, effectively forcing him to go inside. There was something daunting about having to unlock the heavy front door and face the empty hallway with the flickering overhead lighting. Walking in felt like he was doing something illegal: like he was trespassing on forbidden land. Trying to think of something else than the possible rejection he was about to face, Gerard thought of how he had never seen any of their neighbors apart from a heel or some long blond hair belonging to the person slamming the door shut. He hadn’t heard them making a single noise either but he guessed they didn’t have to. They already had a roommate that sounded like he was dragging body bags around at night. He felt himself fumbling around in his pocket to get the keys to his own front door, prolonging the task on purpose so he could wait before having to go inside. Taking a deep breath, he slowly turned the door handle. The faint feeling of the latch releasing beneath his hand sounded louder than bombs in the quiet hallway. Swinging the door open, he was met by a darkness that made the apartment look like a gaping black hole. Not even turning the lights on could help the feeling of being swallowed by it as he took the first step inside. 

“Hello?” No answer. His voice bounced between walls in the hallway before it eventually died in the empty living room. There were no shoes in the shoe rack either and as he glanced over at the calendar decorating the wall by the bathroom, he spotted that Ray had work from 7pm until 3am. He honestly should’ve known Ray’s hours by now, as he always took the night shift so it wouldn’t crash with his daytime lectures. As he rested his eyes on it, Gerard realized that all the driving and freezing his ass off had been for nothing. Ray had worked those same hours the previous night and he was expected to do so tomorrow too. It would’ve been easy to avoid him without having to hide.   
Not realizing that he had been holding his breath, Gerard almost choked on air as he made his way into the living room. He had only been gone for close to three days, but the living room looked like a mess. There were clothes everywhere, and the papers on Ray’s desk that usually looked so organized now laid scattered on the floor. The kitchen was unusually messy too, with a pile of pots and pans resting in the sink. It was tempting to wait until Ray got home so he could get the whole ordeal over with, but it would’ve been unfair to confront Ray fresh off a nightshift. Gerard decided to do the next best thing instead: attacking the washing up first and folding the clothes second. He laid them in a neat pile on Ray’s computer chair before he started picking up the papers on the floor. He picked them up without much thought as most of them seemed to come from school assignments: looking like transcriptions of interviews or discarded pages from essays that were due to be turned in. Not before he came upon a letter marked with the logo to their apartment building did Gerard stop to read. He felt a lump form in his throat as his eyes raced down the page, feeling scared that it would be about him.

“ _To Mr. R. Toro._

_We thank you for reaching out to the front office, but we are unable to send you the documents you are requesting. The information of who resides in our dormitories is strictly confidential and we are not permitted by law to give out any information about the residents residing in our facilities unless there is a court order administered. If you are wishing to know who is renting the double room in apartment 204, we welcome you to take that upon yourself. The aforementioned resident has received no previous complaints and Hillside Hall Dormitories will not be launching any investigation into the matter._

_The dorms are meant to be a safe space for all students attending Northern Vermont University and we do not permit those who are not students to rent from us._

_We welcome you to contact us with any further inquiries._

_Sincerely._

_Jonathan G. Edwardson_

_Front office_

_Hillside Hall Dormitories._ ”

Gerard felt like his breath was kicked out of him, but he quickly realized that the letter wasn’t about him after all. The paper was stamped in the upper right corner with a date back in the beginning of September, meaning that Ray had received it a few weeks after he had already moved in. In what he could only blame on his own self-centered-ness, Gerard had in a split moment forgotten about what used to be the actual problem in their dorm. It made complete sense that the letter was about their third roommate. He put the letter back on top of the stack, thinking that it could be a good way to ask Ray about it if he ever decided to forgive him.   
He ended up staying in the living room for longer than he felt comfortable with in the hope that Ray would end his shift early. He usually felt safe enough hanging in there before midnight, but as soon as the red clock on the microwave struck 12- he would run and hide in his bedroom. And that night was no exception, even though he knew that the shoes and coat belonging to their third roommate were nowhere to be found and the door leading to the double was locked. He would hold his breath the few times he dared to touch the door handle, just to make sure that he was truly alone.   
Sleep never came easy when he knew he had to spend the night all by himself in the dorm. Living here, Gerard had realized how he found some kind of comfort in the feeling of life around him. Just the subtle sounds of Ray brushing his teeth or rummaging around in the bedroom next to him was enough. Gerard had never truly become comfortable with being completely alone, even though he had spent most of his life in his own company. And as his head met the pillow, a million thoughts raced through his head. It was an endless stream of anxiety pulling on him in what felt like an eager attempt to pull him into pieces. His guilty conscience wanted to rip him apart, limb by limb, until there was nothing left of him. But laying there, he knew he had hours ahead of him before he would fall asleep. The insomnia was almost worse than the dreams as it made him toss and turn for ages. The dreams at least gave him a break from reality. He buried his head in the pillow as it got harder and harder to breathe, until he suffocated himself into a nightmare.

Ray’s travel radio woke Gerard up before his alarm could. At first he welcomed the sound as it brought a feeling of safety with it. It reminded him of lazy weekend mornings, where Ray would make him coffee and the sun would warm their faces through the living room windows as they enjoyed it together on the couch. But the warm feeling was quickly exchanged by the feeling of pure dread, as he knew what was coming. Looking at his alarm clock, he had an hour until he had to be in the car. He took a deep breath before he hauled himself out of bed, quickly trying to get his clothes on so it all would be over with sooner than later. 

“Hey...” Gerard walked into the living room looking like a dog with its tail between his legs. Ray stood in the kitchen like he usually did in the morning, but this time he didn’t turn the music down to talk. He didn’t even turn around to acknowledge that Gerard was there.

“Hey.” Ray’s voice was cold as ice. A heavy silence hung over them for what felt like an hour before he spoke again. “- You’re back.”

“Dude, I’m…” 

“... You never answered any of my texts. Or calls.” Ray didn’t look up from what he was doing as he spoke in a cold, monotone voice. Gerard had never heard him like this before, and it made him feel even worse. He had seen Ray at what he imagined to be his weakest but he had never seen him truly angry. Not before now at least. 

“I forgot it in the car…” It was the truth, but Gerard still felt ashamed that he had forgotten about it. He wasn’t used to getting messages without sending one first. His phone had probably died long before Ray even started calling too, as he threw it in the backseat as soon as Frank got into the passenger seat. 

“... Do you know how worried I’ve been?” 

“Ray, I’m sorry.” Gerard had expected being bombarded by profanities and harsh words, but they didn’t seem to come. Ray was talking to him like he was a parent who had stayed up all night, only to be disappointed by their child who still hadn’t learned to keep their word. “- I ended up staying at Frank’s. I should’ve told you.” He continued.

“I… I thought the worst…” There was a slight shake in Ray’s voice, like he was on the edge of tears. “- I had to go to work and just hope that you would be there when I got home.”

“Dude, I’m so sorry. I mean it.” 

“Sure. Whatever you’ve been doing must’ve been so enjoyable that you simply forgot about me huh?” 

“No, I didn’t.” 

“Do you understand how fucking horrible I’ve felt!?” Ray continued as he slammed the pan down hard enough to make all the utensils that resided on the counter shake. 

“I don’t know what to say...” Gerard admitted, feeling his own tears pushing on. He felt horrible, and he didn’t know how to tell Ray without making himself out to be the victim. He knew he was the root to all of their problems but he had no words to describe it. 

“Of course you don’t. You didn’t remember to check your phone so it’s clear that you didn’t check in with your fucking common sense either.”

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore...” 

“Then you need to pull your head out of your ass and stop thinking about yourself for a minute!” Ray looked up for the first time, trapping Gerard in the worst eye contact he had ever been in. He almost wished that looks could kill, so he wouldn’t have to endure Ray’s anger any longer. 

“Dude, you shut me out. I didn’t know what to do..!” Gerard whimpered.

“You know what happened the last time a roommate left me without a word Gerard.” Ray stared at him as he aggressively took the pan off of the stove. “- You knew what you were doing.” 

“I never thought that far.” Gerard admitted as he scratched himself in the back of his neck. He understood where the anger came from now. It wasn’t because of the fact that he wanted to run away, but because of the uncertainty he had left behind. The last time someone left Ray, they died. Or, Gerard had decided not to believe that Mikey was dead, but he was still nowhere to be found... He felt terrible for even considering running away now. 

“Of course you didn’t,” Ray shook his head as he took a bite of the steaming hot grilled cheese he had made. He didn’t even flinch. “- You were so busy hanging out with your new boyfriend and you simply just forgot about what you did.”

“I feel stupid Ray. I didn’t know what I was doing.” 

“If you would’ve just waited around like an adult instead of running away, we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.” 

“Ray, I’m trying to tell you that I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Good. And I hope you feel horrible Gerard, because that’s how I felt.” 

“I am… I don’t think I can ever make it up to you.”

“Good. I have to go. Don’t stay up waiting for me.” 


	26. Chapter 26

Gerard felt his knees bruise as they weakened beneath him, leaving him to watch the door slam shut from a sunken down position on the floor. He felt his chest tighten as he fought back the tears, adamant that he didn't need them. He didn't to cry. He didn't deserve to. But he quickly realized that it was a lost cause and as soon as he knew that Ray was out of range- the sorrow unleashed itself in the form of a low but painful shriek that made his throat hurt. It sounded like a desperate attempt to relieve him of the heartache he was feeling deep down in his chest but it didn’t help in the slightest. He felt pathetic as the tears ran down his cheeks in thin rivers but there was no way for him to keep them in anymore. And soon his knees weren't able to support him either, leaving him to weep on the cold hardwood floor while a pool of snot and tears built up next to him. He struggled to breathe as he cried himself dry but it didn’t feel like it was enough. No amount of tears could ever make up for what he knew he had done. He had made the conscious decision of taking the easy way out, knowing full well that he made running away from his own problems more important than maintaining the friendship he had forged. He had allowed himself the pleasure of staying the night with someone he liked when he was supposed to face the pain he had inflicted. If he had just been mature enough to deal with his problems when they were still small, he knew that he wouldn’t have been where he was now. He should’ve waited for the storm to settle instead of running away from it, but instead he chose to enjoy an unearned moment of sunshine: ignorant to the fact that something bigger was brewing just past the horizon. And now, all he had left was the regret and he knew he had to carry it alone. Gerard desperately wished that there was someone he could blame for his own mistakes, but deep down he knew it was all on him. He wished he didn't have to own up to it, because it hurt. It tore him up until there was nothing left of him.   
He knew no one could help him when it came to repaying Ray for the pain he had caused him. All he could do now was to become small. He had to become so small that Ray didn't notice him in the time they had left together before he could leave. He had promised Frank he wouldn't run away, but that didn't stop him from moving out. He decided that he would look into the possibility of switching dorms as soon as he got the chance so they could be apart. It was the least he could do. Feeling cold and numb, Gerard struggled to make it up from the floor. But it felt easier now that he knew he was back on track with his original plan, and that he soon could give Ray the gift of never having to worry about him again. 

Gerard wouldn’t return to school before another week had passed, though he still avoided the dorm like the plague. You could almost touch and feel the awkwardness hanging in the air as the boys passed each other in painstaking silence. Ray had switched out the travel radio for his Walkman, making it close to impossible to talk to him. Not that Gerard had anything to say anyway. He felt like his words had lost all value, making whatever he wanted to say a waste of time and energy. Most of the time, Ray sat by his desk while eagerly working on something. Papers were thrown around haphazardly as he tore through them, making a similar mess to the one Gerard had cleaned up when he got back home the week prior. He wondered what he was working on, but he had soon come to realize that he would probably never find out. And maybe it was for the best. Ray seemed to enjoy the work, and Gerard was happy to see him thrive even though they weren't on speaking terms. To be out of the way as much as possible, Gerard frequently took naps in the back of his car. The seats had been pushed back up again and the big trees surrounding the parking lot shielded him from the last days of warm sun before September turned into October. But the naps were never peaceful, as he knew his phone laid hidden somewhere in the mess on the floor. He had thought of fetching it multiple times, but every time he stretched out for it- his body would stop him. His subconsciousness knew that he wasn’t ready to see what kind of messages Ray had left for him. Just thinking about it made the now familiar wave of regret wash over him.

When he didn’t spend time in his car, Gerard hid in the shoebox he called his bedroom. He tried to soak up the good feeling he had felt the first time he saw it in real life. He wanted to keep the feeling with him, even though the apartment made him feel even more uncomfortable than normal. But deep down Gerard knew he would miss it, even though his room was small enough for him to touch the walls when he stretched his arms out. The room had become a symbol of the first real victory in his life: moving out to pursue his dreams. But it had also become his little safe haven where he hid from the nightmares and whatever the third roommate did at night.   
As he soaked it all in, Gerard could see how the room had started to reflect him as a person- kinda like he could see Frank when he saw his bedroom for the first time. But his room was scraggly, small and ill maintained: just like he was. And Frank’s on the other hand was just as big and as effortlessly cool as him. Gerard could relate to the chipping white paint covering the brick walls and the furniture that stood too close together- making it so he could barely breathe when he walked through. Even the cactus looked like it was thriving from its premiere spot on the desk. It had started to lean towards the window and the fading sunshine overhead. On the walls hung the pictures he often spent countless hours staring at when he was supposed to be asleep. And above the bed hung the flyer he had ripped in two, with the charming but in all honesty- kind of ugly drawing Frank had drawn of him. It became the first thing to go, as his stomach tightened into a firm knot when he looked at it. He couldn’t afford to get distracted by Frank again and he didn’t deserve to be reminded of their first time alone together anyway. Gerard yanked it off the thumb tack he stuck in a soft spot between two bricks, watching it rip at the top and leave a small piece of paper behind. He had completely forgotten what the paper was used for before it became their little, shared art project but turning it around- he saw half of the job listing for the open position at New Day. Not thinking much about it, he put it on the inside of one of his notebooks.

“Look who finally had the balls to show up!” 

Leah’s yell echoed across the cafeteria, purposely pointing all the attention in Gerard’s direction. It felt like the room went quiet as their eyes followed him on his way over to his friends, watching him with a mix of curiousness and distain. Gerard had managed to arrive just in time for lunch break, but seeing the sceptical faces of his peers- he immediately regretted not skipping the whole day. The only reason why he had showed up was the sudden realization that his teachers may fail him if he didn’t come up with a good excuse for why he had been gone. Leah and Andrew seemed equally surprised to see him as they sat comfortably in their usual spot by the big windows. 

“Very funny.” He sighed as he practically fell down next to Andrew who quickly pulled his backpack out of the way to make more room. It felt like his legs gave in just at the right time for the couch to catch him.

“Dude, where have you been? We started to worry.” Andrew patted him on the knee in a sorry attempt to make him feel better, but Gerard could see in his peripheral that Leah was rolling her eyes. He decided to ignore her. 

“As if...” She mumbled beneath her breath. Gerard had always wondered why she acted like this around him but right now, it was the least of his worries. 

“You don’t need to worry about me...” Gerard shook his head in Andrew's direction as he tried to get comfortable. Nothing he did could relieve him of the awful feeling he was trying to keep to himself. It felt like he was carrying his regret on his shoulders like a heavy backpack he couldn’t take off. 

“Dude, we’re your friends. Of course we worry!” Andrew was really trying to make it sound like Leah cared too, but she couldn’t make it more obvious that she thought otherwise.

“- And that guy you beat up hasn’t been at school either, if that makes you feel better.” She added, sounding like she truly believed that it was great news Gerard would LOVE to hear. She barely avoided Andrew who shot a strict look that was almost impossible to ignore. But somehow she still did. 

“It doesn’t...” Gerard groaned as he wished he could be back in bed. Anywhere was better than here right now. Carrying the weight of his own regret on his back was hard enough, but having to think about Adam and the possible consequences that could come from it was too much for him to handle. The added stress made his brain feel foggy and in a desperate attempt to distract himself: Gerard let his thoughts wander in the direction of Frank. But the thoughts quickly turned dark as he mourned his decision of meeting up with him. Frank had made him feel good when everything felt bleak. He was the true reason why he was still around, but at what cost? Sure, Gerard hadn't become his Mikey 2.0- but that meant that he had to endure whatever consequences the town had for him. Frank came out of it all unscathed. 

“You won at least.” Leah giggled, still seemingly ignorant to the seriousness of the situation. The fact that Gerard had been absent for over a week wasn’t enough to make her feel concerned. 

“I feel like a loser.” Gerard mumbled as he shook his head. He wanted to sink into the couch and disappear. It still felt like the whole cafeteria was staring at him.

“Well, you brought it on yourself.” Leah shrugged as she took a big bite of her food.

“He was mocking Ray, I couldn’t just let him...” 

“Yeah you could.” She scoffed.

“No..!” Gerard raised his voice a bit as he fought against his throat that was starting to get stuffed. Just talking about it made the tears push back on. He felt horrible, but that didn't stop him from standing up for what was right. Ray may hate him, but that was valid. The rumors the town entertained were not. 

“Everybody speaks badly about him Gerard. It’s not something new.” She rolled her eyes as she spoke with her mouth full. 

“I don’t..!” He insisted even louder.

“And you’re the only one!” She laughed. 

“Leah, could you please shut up?” Andrew shot into the conversation in an attempt to make her stop. Leah had a bad habit of speaking before thinking and he had sort of gotten used to trying to derail her before it got too bad. 

“... It’s so obvious that Adam was right though! Don’t you see it Andy?” 

“All I see is someone who's gotten caught up in conspiracy theories because of the lack of things happening in their own life.” Andrew’s words made Leah choke on the iced coffee she just had a big sip off. She coughed loudly as it dribbled from the side of her mouth and down on her white crewneck, creating a big, brown stain. She was lost for words as she stared at him with her mouth open. If looks could kill, Andrew would’ve been dead on the spot. 

“You alright?” He smiled warmly after they watched Leah storm off. All that remained of her was her half eaten sandwich and the coffee she must’ve spent at least $5 on. 

“Yeah, I’m fine…” Gerard mumbled as he tried to smile back. He felt thankful even though the last thing he wanted right now was for the cafeteria to point their attention in his direction once more. But their eyes seemed to follow Leah as she ran out instead of sticking with him.

“I’m sorry that she’s acting like this. It was uncalled for...” Andrew shook his head, looking thoroughly embarrassed by her behavior. 

“Dude, it’s fine.” 

“... I think what you did was honorable. Maybe not the smartest thing you could’ve done of course, but you’re a good friend.” 

“Thanks Andrew.” Gerard smiled once more.

“No problem man. I hope it hasn’t been bothering you too much.” 

“I’m getting used to it I guess.” Gerard said, subtly referring to his acquaintance to Ray. He had slowly gotten used to how the word traveled fast in Johnson and how Ray's reputation had dirtied his own before he could even meet them. But now, he knew that he had taken his own spot next to him in the spotlight- making it shine a little fainter in Ray's direction. The thought of it made him feel a bit better. 

“Yeah… I imagine that it’s not as easy as you make it look like.”

“Ray has been good to me. I want to return the favor...” Gerard scratched his under eye in fear that Andrew could see that he was back on the brink of tears. 

“I’m sure you did.” Andrew smiled as he nodded his head enthusiastically.

“I still haven’t gotten to talk to him about it.” Gerard admitted. “- Neither of us has been home.” 

“Oh…” Andrew nodded. “- You know you can come up to us right? So you don’t have to sit there all alone.” 

“... I’m actually thinking about moving. Or, I’ve decided to move.” 

“Oh! Dude, that’s awesome!” Andrew lit up with a bright smile.

“Yeah… I’m just hoping the school dorms will have me.” 

“I bet they will..!” Andrew's words were filled with excitement but his smile suddenly faded as it looked like something caught his attention. He was looking at something past Gerard's shoulder, and what he saw seemed to wash off all color from his face. It looked like he had remembered something important. "... There is something I need to warn you about though." 

"About what..?" Gerard asked hesitantly as he turned around to look at what Andrew was staring at. Someone had walked up to the big cork board on the other side of the cafeteria. It was decorated with colorful posters advertising for all the different clubs, events and local sports teams. They were hanging up what looked like the white, familiar looking flyers he saw all over town. 

"Yeah... You know when Leah said that Adam hasn't been shown up at school either?" Andrew sighed deeply as he spoke. "- I thought it was a rumor, but I think he might be missing too." 


End file.
